I run red lights with no cops or cameras. I’m not fond of Japanese cars but I think sushi is amazing. If you ask me to describe myself in one word, I’d give you my name. I hate how you can never satisfy everyone, but I suppose I get a kick out of it anyway. Just the other day the pencils on my desk complained to me that since I do all of my writing on the computer, they haven’t been put to good use. So I threw them in the fireplace. I am fascinated with the intricacies of the English language. I have learned several times over that chocolate Labradors are not nearly as tasty as they sound, nor do they come with almonds. I must be the only person that imagines a periodic table when they hear the term “heavy metal poisoning†but I imagine it tattooed on the forehead of the guitarist from quiet riot. I’m a firm believer in comedy. Ask any deceased person and they will tell you that the best place for humor is at a funeral. I daydream so much that real life feels like a vacation. I have this one recurring dream where god grants me immortality and sends me on a mission to shake hands with every person in the world at least once. However, my mission is thwarted when the last person on my list is a quadriplegic. I love running into random people that I share mutual friends with. What if is a question that truly has no answer. I have several secrets, the foremost of which is the recipe for my Russian dumplings. It is a cardinal sin to give dog names to cats, but the reverse is acceptable. Just in case I ever get thrown back a couple years in time, I have made a mental list of things I should and should not have done. However, I seem to have misplaced it. For a long time I was under the impression that having your cake was the same thing as eating it. I think people who meet their future spouse as the result of a tragic accident will have the most successful marriages of all. I have devised a language so complex that not even I can understand it. My cat seems to have no trouble, however, which leads me to believe that the word “meow†is the root of all languages. I love being bilingual, I think it makes life a little less monochromatic. Some of the funniest things I've seen in life were witnessed while people watching. A famous quote says that mankind is the only animal to blush from embarrassment, but I think this is only because we are smart enough to realize the stupid shit we do. I think it is interesting how meaning is a relative concept, but truth is not. In my spare time, I wonder if there are facial combinations that haven’t been used, so when I’m bored, I invent people that don’t exist yet. I’m always disappointed when I finally meet them somewhere down the line, which brings me to the conclusion that the human possibility is finite. I think it would be completely foolish to wish to be born in reverse; old, and die as a newborn, because that would mean you would hate your childhood, love your death, and get dumber as time went on. But if you think about it, all that is already the case. I periodically check my refrigerator, expecting to see something new every time I open it. Sometimes my tummy growls, but if I growl back, it usually shuts up for a little while. My favorite perfume is this one my mom used to wear. I forget what it's called, but it smells like a fruit orchard during a World War II bombing raid. Even though science has proven that boogers are a good source of sodium, people still refuse to accept the facts. Sometimes I wonder if cavemen popped their zits, or if they even could pop their zits since they didnt have mirrors, or if they even got zits at all. Though it has been constantly shown that naked people have no influence on society, people still insist on shedding their clothes, and subsequently their credibility. If I were god, I would play funny pranks on people, like transporting them through time or waking them up in completely new surroundings and having them realize that their entire life has all been a dream. I would have white people wake up black, straight people wake up gay, and all sorts and manners of reversals until everyone finally knew what it was like to be in each other’s shoes. That’s my plan for world peace, if I was god. I constantly feel like there’s someone I am meant to meet but though they are always near me, I either never notice or arrive too late to bump into them. So if you are reading this, sir or ma’am, please stick around or tap me on the shoulder next time, because I have a lot to tell you. I think it’s easiest to open up to complete strangers because you can just make stuff up. Even if you don’t, they wouldn’t know the difference. So for just a second, by telling a stranger your problems, they become fantasy instead of reality. I don’t know what’s worse, arriving so early that no one sees you come in, or so late that everyone stops what they are doing and stares. I know that in English, two different words can mean one same thing, but I think we need more words that mean two completely opposite things. No one ever believes me when I say I am Jewish, but its just as well because I never believe them when they tell me they are anything else. Sometimes, to pass the time, I stare at people as hard as I can to see if they can feel it, but most of the time they are too busy to notice. However, occasionally, ill turn and find that they were already staring at me, which gives me hope that there are some people out there at least a little bit like me. There is a huge difference between saying something for the sake of saying it or not saying something for the sake of not saying it. I think its interesting that people never realize how fragile rules are. I once smoked a cigarette in south coast plaza and no one said anything. I think alcohol is like the wrong end of a telescope, it makes everything seem smaller, which explains why people drink so much of it. I find it ultimately ironic that the despite how dumb we are, the human brain still surpasses the capabilities of the worlds largest supercomputer, though that is soon to change. But really, there’s so much more to me than all this.
"...You know what’s weird? I have this one recurring dream that I get every so often. Usually on nights were I’m just a little more at peace than usual, the world is just a little softer, and the lights are a little dimmer. I fall asleep and dream I’m on a playground in the grand park of a small town. It could be any non-descript town, the kind you drive through in the Midwest and the South, on the way to some bigger city to visit family for a reunion or a re-gathering or a celebration, or whatever it is that families do when the alarm of separation is raised, and one family member takes it upon themselves to set out and find all the other lost ones and bring them back, often at detriment to themselves and the family they sought out to “findâ€. I say if things want to be lost, they will find a way to be, no matter how hard you find them.
"Anyway, in this dream, the central park is in front of a city hall, the courtyard at the foot of the steps is littered with all sorts of bronze and marble statues. Some have plaques, but they are so unread that really, they could have said just about anything. Or nothing at all."
"In my dream, every statue in that courtyard came to life. But they had been watching long enough to know not to ever, ever move."/b
