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chaos layouts The cigarette smoke stuck to the tears that stuck to my cheek. The pills aren’t working and all that’s left is a ghost town. And it haunts, and haunts, and haunts. The streetlights start to dim and the scenery drips together. The moon stares at me with probing eyes, but I look away. I always look away. The yellow lines on the black asphalt blur while my polka dot eyes try searching for something - anything - that is tangible. Anything visible and clear. But nothing's clear except the echoes of words unspoken and the silhouettes of feelings stuck between the dust on my shelves. I guess that's what happens when you watch yourself shatter into small fragments of glass. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but masochism destroys me.

My mummy says I'm always looking hopeless and tells me to cheer up all the time. She doesn't realize it's her making me unhappy most, and if she knew it would break her. Away from the house i can be content. I'm too scared of hurting people i don't overcome my "hopelessness". I hurt friends/strangers/ innocent faces all the time, by good intentions accidentally turning bad, when i realize that what one person wants isn't ever what i want. I'm a controlling person, i can make people like / hate / want me and sometimes i take advantage of that. It's because i never know whats missing in my emptiness, throwing things away and wanting them back. I wish i hadn't thrown away some things, but i guess that all makes me who i am.Who am i? Well I'm a nice person. I was a nice person. I used to be a nice person, until i grew up. I started becoming shallow and arrogant without noticing. I guess i just became more lustful, using people as pawns and forgetting that they were human too. It got to a point where i actually found it fun messing with peoples heads, i thought i had good intentions, i was lonely. It didn't help me and it didn't help anyone else. All i learned was that i wasn't happy. People started drifting away and i asked myself why. Emily said that it was because, as i grew up more, people wanted me more, and as people used me i learned from them to do the same. Whether that's true or not, it's no excuse. Yes, I'm a cunt but at least i can admit that. I used to hate myself for not hating how i was, but i don't need anything fake anymore. I miss my old friends. I miss how people used to trust me. I miss being remembered. i miss making unhappy people smile. I miss caring. I miss being me. I've told myself for a while now, that i don't care about anything anymore. But I'm coming back. I'm sorry for being selfish.

I believe in Heaven, which i guess means I'd have to believe in some sort of god. I believe because i couldn't live the thought that I'll never be able to see some people again. I'd hate to die and not be reunited with the ones i love, I'd rather be non-existent. Some guy got me thinking about this a lot recently... He "lived his life to the full because he wasn't afraid of what it was going to bring him". That's a hero in my eyes, because for the first time in my life, i have never been so fucking scared.

BECAUSE I AM NOT CERTAIN OF ANYTHING ANYMORE.
Drowning in my sleep. I'm drowning in my sleep.

" Dear Amy, I am so sorry! This is so late and i feel awful for that! Probably wasn't even worth the wait, to be honest, haha.
There's been good and bad for us, especially recently. However, I'm hoping that overall, the good outweighs the bad by far.
And you have to know that all the bad, well, i hated it. You're such a big part of me now and it kills me to see you hurt (I've been dead alot see haha) or upset. I guess sometimes i can't stop that though. We all get hurt; we all have to deal with it; being hurt is part of growing up and everything that happens to us now is gonna make us who we will one day be. We just have to stick it out and learn to laugh about how insane life is! But even thought i sometimes can't stop it, I'm still here. I want to make sure that I'm someone you can always come to, just like I'll always come to you... even if you one day decide to hate me haha.
Because, yah, you're the best friend I've ever had and i really don't deserve you at all. But I've still got you so I'll just be smug for now :]
Anyway, yeah, I'll stop blabbing on now, I hope you like this. We've got more memories to make though, so maybe i should've left some more pages! hehe.
Enjoy. I love you, J'Amy. - Lemony - Emily -Brutal Barbie (y) xoxo"

April 08

This girl will never loose her place in my heart. I love you. You're my piece of life.