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Chris

mibuswolf

About Me

There was once a troop of flying monkeys, much like those from the Wizard of Oz, only with much shorter wings…and to be perfectly honest they more closely resemble raccoons than monkeys. Anyway, once a year, typically during those days when Autumn and Winter frigidly squabble over who’s turn it is to rule the season, the rather raccoonish looking monkeys take flight, blotting out the sun as they swarm in a somewhat westernly direction. One year, roughly twenty-six years ago, the covey of flying raccoonkeys became confused in a particularly nasty thunderstorm over north Georgia, and in their tempest-induced disorientation they swooped and swooned and otherwise flew around stupidly. During the confusion one of the short-winged monkoons gave a go at forcing his face through a pine tree. Much to his and everyone else’s surprise, he succeeded, though the concrete block wall directly behind the punctured tree proved a bit less accommodating. For the next fourteen hours the Moncoonkey laid in a state of headachy nonconsciousness, and when eventually he did wake up he found himself all alone, as his traveling companions didn’t see fit to keep the wall banging Coonwingkey with the flock…something about Darwinism, and survival of the fittest, and the small manner where that particular raccoon/monkey amalgamation had the previous summer not only caused the gaggle’s chief to choke almost to death on a rotted boysenberry but also mated with said chief’s wife on multiple occasions. Left to his own devices the Keyracwing started a small airbrushing business, which provided a moderate profit margin until the Better Business Bureau shut him down for illegally employing overage marsupials without providing proper medical benefits. And that’s all you really need to know about me...

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My Interests

I'd like to meet:

Sean Connery. Honestly, the guy is amazing. Here are a few facts about Sean that you probably won't find on his Wikipedia page. Sean Connery possesses the ability to grow to at least 30,000 feet tall. He can cause sexual excitement in females by nearly winking at them (that's right, he doesn't even have to really wink, just an almost wink or a random eye twitch will work). In 1962 he created the continent of Antarctica by shaving his beard. Once, while traveling across the plains of Africa, he fought off a pack of wild, starved hyenas with some dental floss and an empty paper bag. Typically Sean travels upon the backs of two polar bears that he taught how to fly, though he occasionally uses a Vespa S 125 that uses freshly cut grass as fuel. No one spoke or wrote until the venerated Mr. Connery created language in the late 1980’s…rumors persist that Thomas Jefferson assisted in this development, however so far Sean has neither confirmed nor denied Mr. Jefferson’s involvement. Sean used to have 4% body fat, until one day he pinched that fat off his butt and used it to make Elizabeth Hurley. In addition to these feats, Sean Connery has been credited with inventing: oxygen, Peek-A-Boo, Harry Potter’s glasses, the color yellow, food stamps, chest hair, lamp shades, seat cushions and duck bills. He also recommends the usage of Chap Stick at least thrice daily.

Music:

Dream Theater, Disciple, Red, Butch Walker, Foo Fighters, Seven Dust, Slipknot, Audioslave, Michelle Branch, Mudvayne, Disturbed, Collective Soul, King's X, Breaking Benjamin, Korn, With Faith or Flames. You know, somthing just looks out of place here.

Movies:

Serenity, The Prestige, Stardust, X-Men III, X-Men 1 & 2, Spider-Man again 1, 2 & 3, Snatch, Ocean's Eleven, Last Samurai, Pulp Fiction, You've Got Mail, Serendipity, Lord of the Rings trilogy, Formula 51, Fifth Element, Tombstone, Man on Fire, Sin City, Spanglish, V for Vendetta, The Illusionist

Television:

Dead Like Me, Angel, Scrubs, Heroes, CSI

Books:

Neverwhere, American Gods, Stardust, Season of Mists, The Book of Five Rings, Othello, The Art of War, Smoke and Mirrors, Small Gods

Heroes:

There can be only one hero......An' I pity da foo who disagrees!!!!

My Blog

Flip the Switch

WARNING:  This story should only be read after Apollo's blazing chariot has traced its path across the heavens and faded safely away into the gloaming, leaving the world covered wi...
Posted by Chris on Thu, 23 Aug 2007 12:58:00 PST

It Ain't Fair?

God is not fair.  There, I said it.  Go ahead and excommunicate me if it makes you feel better, but that changes nothing.     God is not fair.   Think about it for a s...
Posted by Chris on Thu, 26 Jul 2007 10:47:00 PST

Questions

Absolutism, in a way religion demands it.  Many would have us blindly follow the teachings of a dogma without independent thought.  We simply take what they give us and hold it as unfalterin...
Posted by Chris on Tue, 24 Jul 2007 11:38:00 PST

Who I Would Really Like to Meet

You know what would make my day?  What would really just put the extra cream in my coffee?  If just ONE more half baked, inbred, barely legal, webcam whore could send me a friend reques...
Posted by Chris on Sat, 21 Jul 2007 09:00:00 PST

Someone...

challenged me to make one of these, so technically this isn't my fault.    Pick the month you were born in:   1.  I sniffed 2.  I chopped up 3.  I spanked 4.  ...
Posted by Chris on Tue, 06 Feb 2007 12:12:00 PST

Dating Advice....FOR FREE...

(Only because nobody would pay me for it.) Recently I read an article on things one ought not discuss on a first date, at least not if one wishes for a second date.  This article got me thinking,...
Posted by Chris on Mon, 24 Apr 2006 08:48:00 PST

Do It For Your Mother

Scientists say the world's population is exploding at a phenomenal rate.  In fact, some suggest that the Earth may be in danger of overpopulating.  Many feel our best answer is to look to th...
Posted by Chris on Mon, 06 Mar 2006 08:33:00 PST

How to Use the Bathroom

Guys evidently don't understand the implicit meaning of bathrooms.  I say guys because I have never been in a women's bathroom to observe their toilet habits, although there was this one time I d...
Posted by Chris on Mon, 20 Feb 2006 07:46:00 PST

Infatuatory Antithesis

So it's Valentines Day, and you need some help.  Well dont worry Dr. Chris is here to cure the amorous ailments which beset you.  Now there are plenty of places to go for helpful hints on ma...
Posted by Chris on Mon, 13 Feb 2006 07:48:00 PST

Random Thoughts: The First Edition

Feel free to take these not seriously.    -- I think we need to work as a society to improve the enjoyability of our conversations.  This really shouldnt be hard.  Adding one of ...
Posted by Chris on Sun, 29 Jan 2006 08:30:00 PST