Gone am I now from the world of the sleepwalking. The only duty, obligation and role for me now is the one my god intended for me. Destiny awaits. Wish me well, I wish you all the best! Yo Scotty, hey Jeremy - I finally fuckin got off my ass and did it! Finally grew some balls and put me first again. To pursue this extreme, outrageous lifelong dream is like a ton off my chest. If I fail this test and never return, know that if I stayed here I would have spiritually died, and my body would soon follow... So either way... We're all fucked anyhow at the end of 2012, if the commie pinko neo cons don't round us up first in the midst of the economic collapse they've designed! Time to live a little. This isn't my place in life. It hurts deeply to leave my parents, Lynne and my cat behind, hell, I'll even miss the Legion! But if I don't do this, I will become useless to them and only drag them down. I have slipped and deteriorated mentally, emotionally and physically the last couple years. Time to stand myself upright again. The road to this moment has been a long fucked up one. Smile when you think of my crazy ass - How many people do you know that actually do change their lives!? I have gone to practice what I preach and live up to all the tall talk at last. Better late than never. I have gone to find a simplicity in life, true freedom and way that I can be proud of that does not conflict with all I believe in. I look forward to seeing you all again someday. 7/31/08 - Well, just when I had finished speaking my peace and had everything in order, my mom has an ovarian cyst. It could be cancerous, it could not. I left anyway... And came right back. I can't do anything until I find out what the deal is with her. Furthermore, every time I tried to close my eyes for some rest, I kept seeing Lynne in tears, because of me. I guess I am more human than I would care to believe. Bottom line is there is a difference between placing yourself first and doing what you gotta do, and blatantly shitting on the precious few close to you! I could look at it as having failed again. But instead I think it was good practice and excersize! Many military men, wieght lifters and endurance athletes would have to admire the fact that I hauled over 250 Lb.s of food, tents, reading material, hunting/fishing gear, etc. etc. back and forth across well over half our county in one night/two trips! - And then proceeded to tie down/conceal my things and haul ass from waaay out there back to the legion and then to the apartment by 10 AM, on no sleep! - All while suffering from pseudomembraneous colitis (a sometimes fatal side effect of the antibiotic I was on last month for absessed teeth w/an infection that was deep into the fucking jawbone!). I told myself when leaving - this will surely either weaken my defenses and allow it to take over and kill me.... or it will burn it right out of me. Knock on wood, I think it burnt that shit out! While I may have failed the bulk of this self - testing, I have regained confidence that in spite of having one health problem after another after another, after a fucking nother, there is still ALOT left in me, physically. Another lesson I learned is that if you are to be a true survivalist, you must cut loose the bulk of your old life, no matter how much you have emotionally/financially invested in all the gear, memorabilia and pleasantries! You must soul search and seperate wants and comfort from needs, and then narrow those down to a 50 Lb. pack or, ideally, much less. The life of a wilderness survivalist is very much like (Well, technically, in some circumstances, it is!) that of an outlaw. You must be mobile, able to forage and cross a wide territory, not limited to one spot to identify as home. You must be evasive if necessary, and conserve/gauge your strength/energy wisely, not wasting an ounce of it on unnessesary shit! I still can't bring myself to leave behind all my books, guitars, CDs and movies, so I've still got alot of growing up to do. Lynne has proposed an alternative that would allow me to keep these things, and her. As she said, it might not be as extreme as I would like it to be, but we are saving for a heavy wooded patch of land. Maybe southern Illinois. I would love to live in Mahomet, but who the hell can afford that!? I would love to do right by her.... Wish me patience, cause I don't see how we're gonna be able to save for jack shit, when our country is on the edge of another depression! When the commies keep buying out and jacking up the price of everything including the great spirit's gift and birthright of fucking water!!!! Can a man truly achieve the best of both worlds in one life? Any advice? Well, anyhow, should Steve and Paulie or mom and dad read this - I didn't lie to you, just left out a shitload of the story, haha! My legs really did cramp up, leaving me stuck someplace for afew hours. They just flat gave out for awhile, worse than the charlie horses that wake one in agony out of sleep! This was among the top 5 most wonderfully torturous and physically exerting experiences of my life! If I can take a ride like that, all wieghted down, for the hell of it once a week... I just might join the bad mother fucker club yet! Well, the first whole day of my return instantly reminded me why I seek to leave this place so bad. A small mob of baybay's kids just had to choose my apartment/front doorstep to seek shade. They were kicking and slamming one another against the building so hard that afew of the things we have hung on the wall were falling down. I think two of 'em were suckin and fuckin behind the bush right next to my fence!!! - If it was me, I'd have another naked man fine, haha! They were taunting and fucking with passers by for no reason and left their trash and litter all over the place, including on the front steps of our door. Someone was watchin over me, cause they left (after loitering well over an hour!) just in the nick of time as I was putting on shorts/shoes and getting ready to either call the police or run out with big fucking stick in hand, depending on how a coin toss landed! Either way, I would have been a big time old party pooper for their ass. Which I hate to do, cause we were all young once!... Only we were probably a little bit worse, hahaha! If Blackwater, Haliburton, or any other subsidiary of the Bilderberg group seeks help from a bitter, destruction minded mother fucker... Send me an application. I'd even be willing to let the last of the pot leave my system,and cut my fucking hair off! For this world is overrun with vermin (Hell, overpopulated period!) and needs restoration of balance.... Update 11/23/08 - Well, mamma turned out all good. Full hysterectomy & came thru it like a trooper. That firey old Irish woman can really grate on my fuckin nerves sometimes... But she is an inspiration to me. - She was on her feet acouple days after the surgery & back to work the next week! Hard fuckin core! Most women I know who've had this surgery bitch and moan for weeks after & take at least a month off! I am proud and blessed to call that lady mom. I don't know what I was stressin on - that woman's too goddamn mean and awnry to die! At least not without one helluva fight. As for me, I'm still here. Content with this moment and trying hard to focus on what I got, versus what I haven't. Trying hard to let light surround me and avoid letting all the darkness swallow my mind. Life is precious and grand, and is what you make it! True, many things are out of our hands & beyond our ever struggling grasp for control... But our own perspectives on it, our own moods and inner peace, we own completely! Reading the above entries, I am embarrased. Today I don't even know who the punk ass bitch was that wrote this shit! My gut instincts (something I learned long ago to always listen to!) still tug at me to leave and pursue the wilderness. What rational man who observes the world around him wouldn't! It tells me to cut loose the things that mean sooo much to me here, run, and save my own skin to watch it all burn from afar.... How fuckin empty and shallow is that!? Life is an eternal fight of hatred, darkness and despair. Life is war. And it will find you no matter where you are or what you're doing. You cannot escape "karma". Tomorrow may very well find me sick of it all and taking the easy way out again. But I will savor today and the people/things I love more than ever, exactly because tomorrow may find me seperated from them! - And if it does, it will not be because I ran away... It will be cause I ran INTO. Those who would discredit my dream of the wilderness and label me a bum or quitter have no fucking clue how much ingenuity, adaptation and emotional/physical discipline it would require. And how spritually fulfilling it could be! Those who would ridicule me for such a desperate and selfish act would probably be the first to succumb to the cold and starvation if they attempted it themselves!! Actually to me, it would be the ultimate act of selflessness and good "faith". To me, the lives we lead here are selfish, in all our egotistital mindless self indulgence and vile, ravenous material lusts. This here is the easy way out, and depraved. But once again, this is just a perspective based in ego too, and all in the eye of the beholder! To each their own. I don't preach that we should all quit our jobs to run to the hills and live like indians in some fantasyland utopia. Times/humans change, and many would perish if we tried! When young, I yearned for the solitude of the woods out of bitterness, misanthropy and a sense of non belonging. Well, the calling's still there. Only now its stronger than ever, and for much deeper reasons... To lead by example and show all my brothers and sisters that there is another way. Whether you are a drug addled young punk, or a disgruntled straight edge 9 to 5 worker bee, it doesn't have to be like this. There is a comfortable middleground. The way we were originally intended to live. With all the scary shit goin down in our world today, and with the youth more lost in technology, ipods, cellphones and video games than ever... It is more vital than ever before to pursue and preserve the old ways. Anyhow, I'll shut the fuck up now before I talk myself into packin gear & tryin again tonight!!! Like I said, I am stuck here for now. And as long as I am, I will try to make the most of it, see the reasons why, the good in it & make the best of it! Choose ye this day, this hour.... For no redeemer liveth. 5/30/09 - Not much new to report so far this year. Shortly after mom got better, dad came up with non hodgkins lymphoma. He finished his sixth and final round of chemotherapy yesterday, so the worst of it should be behind him and all the tests show that it ate up most of the cancer (And damn near him!) He chilled a little bit, but for most part remained his usual busy bodied foo self and was able to still do most of all the traveling/other duties he loves doing for the American legion. Such is life, always full of death and sickness.... Would it be such a rich and meaningful experience any other way?! Went into pogo studios again acouple weekends ago to rip some more leads for the next Bloodcult album, this time the leads were improv off the top of my head to material I was unfamiliar with... So it should be interesting to hear the final mix! I'm sure they weren't as intricate or flashy as the ones on "We Who Walk Behind the Rows". But they came from the gut, and this time I got spots on two songs - A minute or more bridge of one track and over most of the 3+ minute instrumental outro. Also, my old school daze bro Von and I are in the embryonic stage of swapping ideas for a doom metal project. But that's still a ways down the road, as he's still busy with the next Lividity masterpiece and we haven't even really jammed yet. Nothin much else new in the music department. Maybe also a blues project waaay down the road with my homie "action" Jackson, who at one time played backup for blues legend Muddy Waters! As for Woodland's Edge, the final opus is still on hiatus cause I'm a poor bastard with greater priorities at the moment.... I'm sure by year's end I'll grow impatient and do it myself as usual. - I think I proved with "Scaffolds to Stellar Pyramids" that if I put my mind to it, spend afew sleepless nights, slam several pots of coffee, pull a little hair out, punch afew things till bloody knuckles, I can do just as good of a recording with my raggedy ole 4 track and 8 track as most studio producers (Tho I would love to go into Pogo again). As for next Bloodwoods, its been almost half finished for some time. Just gotta get off my ass and finish it & find $/time to press up several hundred copies... Some of the other stuff I wanted to incorporate into it I'll just have to forego, as some pussfucking douchebag waste of MY air broke into our storage shed and made off with alot of my music gear. Oh well, could've been MUCH worse. At least they were kind enough to leave most of my outdoor survival gear, my boat, gas masks, water filters and other shit that might come in real handy one day soon... With the exception of acouple very sweet weapons. Whatevuh. Pop and cut you a mother fucker for me boys. - To the wannabe thug Bondville punks that raped my privacy and stole my shit, just don't ever let me catch wind of who you are/where you're at. You won't have to worry about the cops... Cause by the time I'm thru exacting my vengeance, I'LL have to worry about em and you won't be concernin yourselves with much of jack shit but intravenous meals and a morphine drip. And no, I don't mind incriminating myself online in front of the world, just to let you know how sincerely I wanna fuck you up. Fuck the world. And most of all FUCK YOU! On a lighter note, I've managed to spend as much time fishin and being in the woods as I did all spring/summer/fall last year. Being in raw nature in communion with my gods kinda saddens me sometimes - reminding me how full of shit our lives here are and how poisonous/impure we (Myself first and foremost included!) have become. Yes, I am a treehugger. It is what keeps me grounded and something resembling sane, whatever that is. A day in the woods or on the river is what keeps me from being just another murderous weakling asshole blaze of glory wasted douche on the national news. ext15, .whitetext12, .lightbluetext8, strong, b, u, .redtext, .redbtext, .btext, .text, .nametext, .blacktext10, .blacktext12 { font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12px; color: rgb(255, 255, 255); font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; } .nametext { padding: 5px; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12px; color: rgb(255, 255, 255); font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; display: block; } .whitetext12, .orangetext15 { font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12px; color: rgb(255, 255, 255); font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; } a.navbar:link, a.navbar:active, a.navbar:visited, a.navbar:hover, a.man:link, a.man:active, a.man:visited, a.man:hover, a, a:link, a:active, a:visited, a:hover, a.navbar:link, a.navbar:active, a.navbar:visited, a.navbar:hover, a.text:link, a.text:active, a.text:visited, a.text:hover, a.searchlinksmall:link, a.searchlinksmall:active, a.searchlinksmall:visited, a.searchlinksmall:hover, a.redlink:link, a.redlink:active, a.redlink:visited, a.redlink:hover { color: rgb(255, 255, 255); font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; } a.navbar:hover, a.man:hover, a:hover { color: rgb(128, 128, 128); font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; text-decoration: underline; }
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Nuclear Assault - "Long Haired Assh*le" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cIzx7DCHpO4
Willie Nelson on A Colbert Christmas: The Greatest Gift of All DVD http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X8HGswf584E
HOPI BLUE STAR PROPHECY http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u0n4QG8fvpw
Hopi prophecy 2012 Rare video part 1 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pB9gqjZ9_IQ
Blood Cult - We Who Walk Behind the Rows http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0obEL5zlekQ
This is the title track to the last Bloodcult album that I had the honor of doing guest guitar leads on! - That's me rippin shit up at the beginning and end.... Just did some more lead work for them the weekend before last, it was a blast to be in the studio with them again! Can't wait to hear/post the new shit!
Ganksta N.I.P. "Acid Head;s" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBxyztNV4DI
Not Giving a Fuck! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6wS5xOZ7Rq8
