Josh[Narcissist]

all my friends and I, toast health and suicide. I have learned alot and I hate it. Ignorance is bliss and it's something that I will never have again. But we all mourn what we loose, and its too easy. So im no longer wasting my time thinking of it. I like to think im bigger than my day to day life. school/home/ social. All of it. It could be argued "that is you" but only because I live it Doesnt mean I dream it. I make plans with people that can wake up one day and choose to find me dead weight, or uninteresting. But im above putting my dreams in their hands, if they choose to be included, their welcome, but im moving on with or without them. I put too much faith in people, I need to stop that. I say " I don't trust you." or " I don't believe you" but my insides scream of my fabrications. Im not above listing my flaws, or acknowledging my mistakes. Im really good at saying what i don't feel. Im done with music. people don't deserve it. Bullshit. I wish i could say that it is "people's" fault but we all know that my less than satisfactory lack of motivation is what drives my inability to do something amazing with my chosen instrument. Im a fan of theatrics in conversation. Im a fan of urbanization. I love the feeling after you were scared for your life, when you know your safe and where you want to be, and you gain new insights into your life, you talk of your mistakes and how you plan to change. I hate the following failure in your plans. I hate it when change is only said and not made. When follow through is lost amongst the glittering words that spewed form your mouth when you thought you knew how to be perfect. My current emotions dictate my decisions all to thoroughly. The way i feel at that exact moment is how I will choose to react, or speak, or think, or feel. Its disgusting. I have a hiddeous lack of a clear view of the "big picture". In fact when i have those "new insights of my life" they are often associated with " the big picture" stacking my life up against those of others or how large the world really is. How meaningless the things I said at last moment really were. Hmm I'm bored with this now. Bottom line is that I love, and hate, and do my best to live, all while wearing girl pants =]
not afraid to make the mistake of living for one person.