Goneja_

Je suis éveillé, mais où ? Where is the usual noise of my usual life ? Of my usual dog, in my usual house ? When did I reach this place, how did I touch this ground ? Who put the blood upon my face, is there anyone around ? I need to talk. Things have changed a lot since the accident ; but I can’t remember anything about this weird event. J’entends les murs qui m’appellent, les murs d’un petit motel ; un lieu où le ciel est haut, un endroit où il fait beau. Peu importe j’irai là-bas, quelqu’un m’y attend déjà. Il est trop tard pour chercher à comprendre je dois avancer. I need to talk. Thick fog over the city, dark haze over the town… Walking alone is never easy, and I feel especially down. Je n’ai plus d’identité, plus de personnalité. Le vide emplit mon esprit que quelque chose a détruit. J’entends les murs qui m’appellent, les murs du petit motel ; ce lieu où le ciel est haut, et où il fait toujours beau. Je suis sur le droit chemin, j’aperçois des ombres au loin ; des silhouettes se découpent et forment un petit groupe. Je devine clairement leurs formes, la raideur des uniformes ; alors que je m’approche d’eux, le plus grand ouvre les yeux, et s’exprime en ces termes :
“ Welcome to you dear boy. Do you want to play with my toys ? I have got the greatest choice. Please let me hear your voice ! I can give you anything you need, whenever you choose to let me lead, never try to read underneath the creed. We are the perfect harmony, a very quiet community ; we just want to keep it safe : divide the work, no time to waste. Each one of them is able to bleed for me and for the love of the breed, because we got to clean the rotten seed.”
C’était ainsi que tournait le monde avant la chute. “ So if I understand correctly, I cannot disagree ?! You want me to join your army, this new community : tell me how to build a kingdom when everyone has lost his freedom ? Is there a place in your empire for those who cannot pay the price of weakness ? For some of us will never stand the pain. I guess you know that some of us will never stand the pain. Your vision of evolution will lead you to corruption, the greatest system of mind destruction ; I know who you are, I know what you mean, I know that I will run as fast as I can from here ; for I will never stand the pain. I guess you know that I will never stand the pain. Where is the quiet place for those who chose the quiet way ? Where is the promised land for those who took another train ? No one saw them die ! I guess you know that I will never stand the pain… So the answer is no, I won’t, no, I won’t… I’m much too young, do you know how old I am ?”
De vieux souvenirs reviennent, il y a eu de bons moments… Il y a longtemps. Il ne faudrait jamais grandir. Il ne faudrait jamais comprendre. Joyeux anniversaire, joyeux anniversaire, joyeux anniversaire pourquoi ? Joyeux anniversaire… L’écho d’une pensée.
Tu ne me connais pas, mais n’aie pas peur ; je ne suis que toi. Nous sommes plusieurs à l’intérieur. Il fait si froid en ma demeure… Je suis la voix de tes erreurs. Souviens-toi mon amour, avant que tu dormes, nous serons toujours la même personne. Je suis ta voix, je suis tes yeux, je suis ton coeur, le centre nerveux.
Il n’a pas suivi la posologie. Il n’a pas suivi le traitement. Sometimes he’s a bit scared about his present state ; could this fit be nothing but an expression of death ? He dreams about his body on the floor ; here come the flies knocking at the carrion’s door : “ The cure, where’s the cure ? Where are my tablets now ? The cure, where’s the cure ? Without you I am lost !” Sometimes he doesn’t care enough about the suffering ; too many pills somewhere on a bedside table still waiting for him… He seems to sleep but with wide open eyes. He needs some help, the blood is filling his mouth. I know you so well, you think you’ve been dead for years ; inside your head even time has disappeared ! “ Lovely disease, just take your ease, but when you come to take me, please, sculpt my corpse like a masterpiece.
Perdre son temps ne signifiait pas grand chose… Hubiera podido escribir todas las cosas que no me gustan ; hubiera podido describir todas las personas que queria matar. Pero no me recuerdo nada. Al salir de la madrugada, mi cabeza era vacia como una mascarilla. Necesito calquier indicio respecto al fragmento perdido. El tiempo desaparecido... Tengo que encontrarlo. Digame donde estamos ahora. Deme un poco de agua, mi garganta esta seca ; solo agua y una almohada. Alguien ha destruido mi memoria. He perdido una manana. Quizas un dia de mi vida ; de todos modos, poca cosa.
Tout détruire. Tout refaire. I have drawn a little picture, a shapeless image of existence. Let us destroy the evidence of what once was. On my way down to the shores of decay, I’ve been wasting my time with a vision of this everlasting day, and my body was passing away. Something’s got to change, inside and outside, in another world, with another sun, under a different sky. I try to cut my arms and feel no pain for I don’t exist : I’m as dead as my veins are dry. On my way down to a new form of light, I’ve been burning my eyes like an insect I’ll be flying tonight, waiting for a new story to start. I cannot breathe any longer the poison of a reality I have lost. I will forget my name and rise from the ashes of a past life. On my way back to the place I came from, I realised it was much too late and everything then was gone with the irony of fate : I was made of hate. On my way down to the shores of decay, I’ve been wasting my time but I do not care anymore today, for I have become something else.”
Une demi-heure s’est écoulée... - Er kommt wieder, aber er ist noch ganz verschlafen. Wir sollen noch warten. Wie heissen Sie mein Herr ? Keine Antwort. Kein Ton. Eine Totenstille. Er schlaft wie ein Kind. - Wer sind Sie ? Wer sind Sie denn ? - Lass mich in Ruhe ! Ich weiss nicht was Sie wollen. Ich habe alles vergessen. Alles vergessen !… - Es tut mir wirklich leid, aber wir haben ihm verloren.
Puis plus rien… Grains of pink sand in my hand slide, I drink the crimson ink from the land of love… Girls descending from the sky in an ocean of light have touched my naked skin… It’s late, too late ; I’m falling back into the void. Some distant sounds are vanishing in the air, a drilling noise leading me back into my grave. The fall of my body means the rising of my cage. How long shall we wait in this cold rain now ? Images of human beings in red and blue are still dancing around my head. I see them speak and look at me but in the end silence is complete. Silence is perfect ; I’m no longer trying to fight…
There is a taste of soil deep down my throat. I am so cold the air is paralyzing me through my coat. The door of the hotel is open, I will creep until I see the shapes of the lady. She is so beautiful I cannot speak a word ! She takes my hand and then I know that I will have to pay any price. She’s smiling and I forget the rest of the world, so let’s have fun before the end of everything… And suddenly a million faces screaming around us, laughing and dancing, calling out our names… The hotel has become a golden castle, the most beautiful castle ever. Here I am, the king of a cosmic nowhereland. Lying on your bed you’re staring at me, and I’m just expecting you to invite me. Here you are, the queen of an unreal kingdom.
I know I’m sick and you feel it too ; let’s get undressed and do what we have to. I need someone to hold me tight, some love to swallow and vomit all night long. Did you know your skin is so sweet, I could sleep with you until the end of times ? Have you ever thought about giving more than you could ever take in one entire life ? Whatever you decide take it easy and dream, imagine you’re a princess and I’m a beast. This crappy hotel is a castle in the sky in which I shall uphold the laws of mine ; I belong to that kind of people no one should ever meet here. You’re nice, so beautiful and lovely, how can I dare to touch you ? Want some fun ? Do you know why the city is empty ? Are you real or are you dead ? Everything is dead and everyone is dead except for you ; got something to tell you : want some fun ? With no destination, how could I dream of you ? Gathering pieces of passion, now I need to be true : as soon as love is made, in the dark of the night, I might mutilate your flesh, I may kill the bride. There’s no place for us down here, no place for different hearts ; I’d like you to have no fear, I’d like you to get it right, you bitch ! Did you deserve all this pain ? Sometimes I feel so sad… I’ll remember the bloodstains, and your head in my bag.
To see headless bodies walk, I was not prepared. To hear faceless people talk, I was not prepared. The sun is going down, eternal night over the land… To run like a hunted beast, I was not prepared. To hide here in the mist, I was not prepared. To feel what it means to be alone, I was not prepared. To feel like there’s no skin on my bones, I was not prepared. To lose my very last hope, I was not prepared. To put this gun into my throat, I was not prepared.
I’ve been talking to myself for hours now ; this is the end of my way, my very last try. My head’s floating over the ruins of my very robotic body. This place’s as dark as the night. I know I’ll never come back to the normality I used to hate before. I have written a story about reality like a secret diary, the shelter I need ; I guess that time has come to shout, Is there anything else I could think about ? I want to get out ! I want to get out from this funeral maze, forever out of this place. I’ve been scratching the wood for hours now, I just can’t go on like this I’m much too tired. I’d rather sleep for a while and have a little rest, time is all I have. Or do I belong to time ? Worms are waiting for the flesh to rot.
I have been living for sixty minutes between these doors. Time in my head is completely lost, time in my head has been turned to dust. I can’t remember, I won’t remember any of these words. In this world, these words will sound so meaningless to you ! In my mind, I’m fine and you know I’m always true. I have no explanation, I have no reason ; this feeling of emptiness, it’s the joy to forget. My story was so close to happiness and still I cannot imagine the end of the game. I don’t need to create another me but I just need to destroy the one who thinks too much. - Hello my dear, won’t you catch me ? - Hello my friend, won’t you kill me… if you can !