We'll start with a bad joke.
Q: Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?
A: Fo' drizzle.
Bill Hicks is my hero and inspiration. Not only was he clever, charming and genuinely concerned - he was a fucking brilliant comedian. His revolution was cut short all too cruelly.
"The world is like a ride at an amusement park. And when you choose to go on it, you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. And the ride goes up and down and round and round. It has thrills and chills and it's very brightly coloured and it's very loud and it's fun, for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time, and they begin to question: Is this real, or is this just a ride? And other people have remembered, and they come back to us, they say, 'Hey - don't worry, don't be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride...'"
Other things. Discover enjoyable, exciting music for yourself, and just support the people making it. A list of excellent bands can be found on the left.
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Another bad joke!
Q: What do you get if you cross a motorway with a wheelbarrow?
A: Killed.
I got a job last year. Shock horror. The inner dossbag is still lurking - but now I spend a bit of time working with kids. Incredibly rewarding, well-paid job - basically, I play the PS2, football, dodgeball, chess, other such laborious activities and in return for my effort I get rewarded with monies and a lot of free food. Brilliant.
In the way of productivity, I co-organise Damnation Festival - a heavy metal event based in Leeds. In our inaugural year, we landed acts including Raging Speedhorn, Sikth and Entombed, and the event was a huge success - with Terrorizer magazine hailing it "One more giant nail in the coffin of corporate rock."
Last year, we had The Haunted, Skindred, Akercocke, Stampin' Ground, Ephel Duath, Biomechanical, the stunning Evile and much more.
This year we've only gone and landed Kreator, Anaal Nathrakh, Amen, Orange Goblin, Raging Speedhorn, Aborted, Kataklysm...the list goes on. Please check out the website at http://www.damnationfestival.co.uk
I also write. I do very little but write. It's an addiction with a cure. Of the many things I've written, the best include published music reviews and articles - everything from T In The Park and Reading & Leeds coverage, to an interview with, umm, Orson - and a comedy sketch show called "Gorilla's Breakfast", which is on the way to fruition. It has its own Myspace, linked to in my Friends list, so let's not get into that here.
The worst things I've written include notes saying "Be back in a few hours, got my phone with me", countless reminders to myself, and 80% of the contents in my writing folder.
Another rotten joke? Yes, I think so.
Q: Why were the bakers hands brown?
A: Because he kneaded a poo.
Other things about me. I am the height of nonsense. Roughly 6ft 5. Pizza, creme eggs and Irn-Bru make up my diet. I often wonder, "Is it actually possible to dislike Led Zeppelin?" - I can't imagine it is. Unless you're deaf. Even then...
"Don't tell me you guys have never got the Led out!"
I spend my nights in the company of Jennifer, spend my days playing Worms on the Megadrive, and spend my weekends shouting at referees. I live my summers out of tents, moving from festival campsite to festival campsite, surrounding myself with some of the funniest, sexiest hetero-life mates I've ever met, playing "Wine Bomb".
Q: What's green and fluffy?
A: Green fluff.
Lastly, and most importantly, I love all of my friends.
Everyone in my Friends List is someone I know intimately, a band I love, or someone I want to get to know better. If you don't know me and want to send a Friend Request out of the blue, please direct it towards the Damnation Festival or Gorilla's Breakfast profiles - this one is purely for people I know. Except for that one band that I clicked "Accept" by accident. Actually, I'll go and get rid of them just now...
Q: What's black, crispy and screams?
A: Stevie Wonder answering the iron.
