About Me:.. .. ==Seeking Exciting, Fun Loving, Completely Ungrateful Bitch
I am seeking an even bitchier and more ungrateful replacement girlfriend to help me forget how sad I am that the last bitchy, clingy, ungrateful ex-girlfriend has left my life. I'm turning over a new leaf. I've decided I don't like being single and all of the benefits that come with it - including the freedom to talk to random women at any time of the day, paying only for myself at dinner, worry-free afternoons spent beating the monkey, sleeping in until 2:00pm on Saturdays, spending my money on *me*, and not getting in trouble for coming home with perfume and glitter on me from yet another successful night out with the guys at the titty bar.
You should be the orphaned daughter of the Devil himself, though you were given up for adoption at an early age because your father didn't have the time or patience to manage a trillion demons and you. Please be gorgeous and know you are too good for any man, preferably raised by wolves and/or rattlesnakes. You must have the ability to immediately disregard anything I do for you, and the uncanny ability to verbally castrate me any time we're in public. Also, a collective stable of materialistic girlfriends with dimwitted Nascar fanatic boyfriends without any college education is a must. You must enjoy complaining and ruining any fun I may be having. Your mood forecast should be "cranky with a chance of being an emotion black hole".
My family and friends should want to unofficially nickname you 'The Seaward', even though none of them are boating enthusiasts. Your skills include the inability to give even a substandard blowjob, and sincere dislike of laughter. Please consider baggy sweatshirts and old pajama pants covered with cat hair to be lingerie, to get me in the mood for the sex we won't be having. You must also be able to identify my wants and needs, then specifically withhold anything pertaining to them.
My ideal date consists of meeting you and your cell phone for dinner at a posh restaurant where you can order an expensive meal and not touch it while looking at your nails every 37 seconds. Also, having no clue what kind of wine you like so we can order one glass of everything for you to determine what you do like would be great. You must expect me to pay the entire bill without even a 'thank you' or have any common courtesy.
I feel there is a void in my life without you. Let's get together soon. Please tell me where you're located and include a picture of your typical 'uninterested' face you'll give me when I try to initiate sex! I'm anxiously awaiting the new Hell you'll bring to my life!ALL MY BEST,
ME
LMAO!
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