Timothy DeLone

The details of my life are quite inconsequential... very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was spent with a club foot, a lazy eye and a mocking older sister. Its a wonder I never "Nam-ed Out" or "went postal" As soon as childhood began to resemble normalcy (yes, i know that's not a word) My parents moved us from the Virgin Islands to Potomac, Maryland. Nothing like culture shock combined with the first day of high school. I hit the books to compensate. I held fund raisers to bring a talented Chinese math prodigy to the United States. I was assured of becoming Valedictorian and Rhode scholar, until the money was stolen by an scheming low budget porn producer who was upset that my next door neighbor had found a letter at a house party detailing how I had a crush on her since the first day of high school. I instead attended Faber College where my imaginary freshman year roommate joined a fraternity dedicated to cracking top secret codes. After college I cured cancer, and became only the second non-chirpa to become a tibetan monk. (Uma Thurman's father is the other) Uma and I remain close. When not dispensing wisdom, I am trying to regenerate liver cells in the hope of creating a spare liver, just in case. I achieved brief international fame for negociating a cease-fire in Sudan, which unfortunately didn't last. I revolutionized the food service industry in my brief time in New Orleans working at such restaurants as Emeril's, Commander's Palace and Copeland's. In D.C., my sister and I single handedly made drinking in Georgetown cool again after the St. Elmo's Fire fiasco by working at such fine establishments as Old Glory, Old Ebbitt Grill, J. Paul's and Pizzaria Uno. I am currently working on a televison sitcom, a screenplay that involves Giraffe's and porn midgets. I also lived with a pack of cheetah's in the Serenghetti surviving soley of Cheetos. I am now gonna try my hand at comedy. I am scared.