I belong to Shelby.
I lived in a foster home for the majority of my life, but recently was adopted by a troubled family. Upon arrival, I was infected with five serious diseases. My adopted mother is a whore and my father works in Puerto Rico with dirty spanish-speaking pharmacists.
I was raised Catholic and I continue those teachings today. Not too long ago I was asked to join the Illuminati. Since I believe in the destruction of all things, I agreed to participate. My job is to coerce people to join, and to execute those who turn me down. I do not believe that my actions are sinful, but a higher power instructs me to punish myself by mortification. In exchange, I was crowned Czar of Imperial Russia.
Because of my influence in the Illuminati, I have met and assassinated several celebrities including Michael Jackson, Jane Fonda, Kanye West, Tom Cruise, Alec Baldwin, Natalie Maines, Tim Robbins, Barbara Streisand, Michael Moore, and Whoopi Goldberg. My next target cannot be revealed to you, but I can assure you that my good deed will not go unnoticed.
People judge me because I am a woman, but I've only gotten in 14 wrecks in the past three weeks. My great grandmother taught me how to drive shortly after she passed away. She was an uncommonly caring person. In fact, she built the underground railroad when she was only sixteen. The only productive thing I did in high school was lose my virginity to Chuck Norris.
God save the Puritans!
