The Idiot

ok, so anyway, i am starting my about me section over. why? cause i ran out of room. they dont let you have more then 65,530 characters or something like that... so yea. if anyone wants a copy of my old about me section (cause it is way cool and stuff) just ask me. i saved it and can either send it to you in a message or print it out for you. whatever is clever.
well, it is 8:30 in the morning, i have only slept about 2 hours last night and talked on the phone with a swell lady for another 3 hours... so i am tired. food? maybe. sleep? probably. tacos? most likely not.
yea, so it is now the day before Walk The Line comes out... just so you all know, camping out for movies is way better then not. especially if you are camping out for a movie that there is no real reason to camp out for.
yess... it was so worth camping out for... just wanted you all to know that. and having a full night of rest, for once, was good too.
my yesterday (nov. 25, 2005) was one of much interstingness and excitement and changes in emotion. it started with working at 12:00am to 8:30am. that was not too bad. i descoverd that standing on the side of the road next to a wooden cut-out of santa and pretending to be a statue next to it while waiting for the bank to open is very intertaining, both for me and people who drove by(sept that in some extream conditions people flipped me off or just looked at me in bewilderment as they passed). after that, there was a good time to pass out and sleep. then i was awoken to go to a show at the underground to see music... if that is possable. i had a good time for the show aspect of things, broke up a fight and gave out some hugs, told two girls (that ended up being a boy and a girl) to stop making out on the couch, that usual sorta thing that my bouncing/security detail requires. but, at the end of the show, things went terribly wrong. one of the bands launched out some confetti over the crowed. fun time... sept i had to clean it all up. it didnt really bother me that much, and as a prank i decided it would be funny to throw it all in the bands van... not a good idea. they ended up being rather unhappy with it... to the max. they had good reason to be mad because they have been having a tough time on tour; i didnt think things through and made a bad move. i had to clean out their van and feel bad (even though i didnt do most of the cleaning of the van, their tour manager did and it made me feel a bit worse cause i wasnt lifting a finger it felt like). i had to go into the office and talk with some people who are official. i was forgiven but i still felt a lot like a heaping piece of poo, so i sat in the office for about an hour and cried. yea... i am a cryer. i still feel really bad about the whole thing. i do not intend these things to hurt people but to intertain, to make laugh... and when they go wrong like that i feel horrable. so yea... i am going to watch them play again tonight and appologize again and probably buy them some flowers. so yea... we will see. so that was yesterday... and part of this early morning. yea.
so i wrote a letter to the previously mentioned band and gave it to them. things are smoothed over, and everything is allllll better. yay! san jose hardcore is crazy.
Oh, and if you ever have the opportunity to buy some pizza for a bunch of scene kids that are starving at a show, i suggest you do it. they are really nice most of the time. in fact, i just suggest that you buy food for anyone that may need it. it is just a good thing to do, that is all.
i feel more tired then i ever have. i am not sure if that is really true, i have a horrable memory, but it is a possability. i feel drained and sucked of everything. i feel expected of and that i am falling short on those expectations. i am hoping this is just something brought about by an odd emotional funk and will pass with time; i dont want it to be something else, something i have to spend time thinking about (even though i have already spent ample time thinking about it already, not to mention writing my thoughts down and then thinking about those) or analyze. i wish i could just stop thinking for once. why am i like this? oh sigh... i am one emo loser lately.
pretend this was witty.
i was talking with an old school chum that i ran into today and she had quite the brilient idea... you know how there are toe socks and how annoying they feel between your feet? well, we were talking about how awesome socks are and how it is lame that you cant wear them with sandles unless you get stupid toe socks... when it came to her: "invent a sock where there is just a seperation between the big toe and the index toe!" that way, you can wear a good pair of socks in sandles and not be annoyed the whole day! geniuse stuff, right!? heck yea!
procrastination is better then loosing your best pair of sunglasses. of corse, seeing as i have already lost my best pair of sunglasses (though i am sure i took them from someone else) i am left with procrastination as my current demize. this is a very unfortunate matter for i am uncapeable of not procrastinating. it is a curse that i must endure for what seems the rest of my life. i guess i should stop talking about it and just go get to work. sigh...
tonight i got electricuted 3 times with a tazer followed up by getting a mace like substince sprayed in my eyes. it was pretty rad, i must say. the mace was way worse then being electricuted, it took 10 minutes of splashing water into my eyes before it even started to stop burning. i got a few cool little welts from being electricuted though. yes, it was rad.
i am starting to question my own existence. i am not sure if there is any proof as to wether or not i truely exist or if i am just assuming that i exist based on the thought that i have thoughts. but that being a thought in and of itself is not really a good source of material to provide evidence of myself. i know i feel things, that i get hurt and notice the diffrence between hot and cold... but what does that all mean anyway? what clear evidence does that provide? i know without my central nervous system i would not be able to feel these things (or would i?) and i know without my mind my body would be lifeless (or do i?). i have emotions and i react diffrently to diffrent things... but is this a sign of life or a projection? with out my thoughts i would become nothing and if my thoughts are not even truely mine to start with then what does that make me? am i really an I? there is absolutley no evidence in the world to my existence, at least not evidence that is absolute. so... who am i? what am i? am i an i or am i just... not. am i less then a nothing? am i so un existent that i dont even classify as nothing with it being the absence of something? so if anyone has an answer for me, if anyone can explain if i actually am real or what not... please do. i would like it very much.
i have decided that today is a good day and if you even try to argue it i will poke your eye right out. it is a very lovely day, the right temperature and everything. perfect for walking bare foot through a field. i think i will do that. i ate a sacked lunch at a park today with a good friend and it was very plesent. i think i need more of those. sacked lunches and parks. more friends would be good too, but i am content with the ones i got. anyway, i just wanted to tell you to all go outside.
i stood outside for hours on end, hands in my pockets to keep nuckles from freezing off and skin from blistering, on top of a hill in the bleak, the dark, the open everything. you couldnt have seen me and neither i you. no trees, just the tall, knee high grass stretching its way up but loosing a battle to the oppressing wind which keeps folding it over one way and then bends it back a moment later, forcing its will upon the week. its weird how much grass can seem like hair... how we kind of treet it like hair. we give it cuts, style it in certiant ways... we make the face of the world our own little cosmetic dummy. i dont know if it is a bad thing... i just thought of it is all. that is what i do; i think. i have thoughts and they come out one way or another. that is how i came to be found in a field, hands in pockets, on a treeless hill. i like it here. it screams quietly and sighs in a way that makes the ground tremble. i wish it was light enough to see flowers... i dont know what i would do if i did. definenly not pick, not yet at least... probably smell... im not truely sure. i want to lay down, but then i wouldnt be standing. it must be important to stand. i keep hearing people say that you need to stand for something. well, isnt standing itself something? if i sit down, lay on my back, what then? i dont know... the dark is not gitting any deeper; it is being consistent in its vastness and solidity. i hope it rains.
"They say when you meet the love of your life, time stops. And that's true." - great movie quote. know it?
R:"He fights for something that I never had. And I took it from him, when I betrayed him. I saw it in his face on the battlefield and it's tearing me apart."
F:"All men betray. All lose heart."
R:"I don't want to lose heart. I want to believe as he does." -another amazing movie
"Aye, fight and you may die, run, and you'll live... at least for a while. And dying in your beds, many years from now, would you be willin' to trade ALL the days, from this day to that, for one chance, just one chance, to come back here and tell our enemies that they may take our lives, but they'll never take... OUR FREEDOM!" - obviouse movie quote, but if you dont know it then im not telling.
oh man, i am spent... or at least i feel like it. i dont know if it is just a today thing, but i feel really disinterested in doing anything at all. i really just want to go read a book and be alone. yes, i know this may come as a shock to many of you, but there are times where i, loud and social mike, like to be alone with my thoughts and the thoughts of others (ie. books). no people. people bad. i really want to go on a holiday... a short one would be nice, just to anywhere. dododo... perhaps spring break will bring what i am looking for. or perhaps i just need to go out and find it. man i am a strange duck... seing as i have no fethers, no beak, i echo when i say quack, and my feet are not webbed. i think i have been told that before... but for diffrent reasons. oh well... i dont know... arg arg arg arg.
you know what i hate? well, its hard to say, but i hate things that are bad that happen to really good people. i hate death. i mean.... death is one of the lamest things ever. i am not saying that i fear death, but that i hate the fact that we have to die. i hate not being around people that have died and having to wait to see them again. it just really pisses me off. and no, just incase you are wondering, nobody has died... at least not that i am aware of. ugh... i dont know... dododo... look everyone! mike is sad! hahaha!!!
it is currently march 2nd and at 4 am till about 6am it was snowing non-stop. it was so stinkin awesome. oh, i am talking at starbucks off of missouri flat by the way... yea, not a common place for snow, eh? so i just thought that i would inform you that i got to partake in a glorious experience while the rest of you slept your night away. i will take a beautiful blanket of snow that falls just for me over sleep any day. i hope you guys get to have a glimps of it, even if it is just a brief one.
and another movie quote: Let's go get the sh-t kicked out of us by love.
March 27, 2006: i have descovered that life is eventful. really. that is pretty much all it is. it is just full of events. you cannot always dictate what events will take place, what scenarios will play out in your daily life, but you have the opportunity to react to those scenes; you can choose how you will respond. i think people miss this alot, they assume that things happen to them and that they react and it is not their fault how things end up because there where aspects of the situation that were outside of their controle. but to say that is to describe every situation you have ever been in: there are always aspects of situations that are outside of your control. it doesnt matter if they are good or bad, you still cannot control what is going to happen around you. in contrast, in every situation you may be in, despite if something is good or bad, you always have control over how you will react, what you will choose to do. just because the outcome of those aspects outside of your control are not desirable doesnt mean you dont have a choice as to how you will respond. bad things happen. but your reaction does not have to be bad, it doesnt have to echo what is already known... it could instead make something beautiful out of the flaw, the aspect that ruins... you may learn that it is not that large of an aspect at all... that it is not are situations that dictate our attitude or our emotions... but it is our sense of self-worth and understanding of life that can dictate whether we live full or empty, vibrent or dull. last friday my friend jesse and i decided to go to fort bragg, 4 hours and 14 minutes away from where we live, to see the red woods and the coast and, more or less, to just get out of town. we didnt plan it that much, just talked about it a few times and the up and did it. we had an event. several events that encompused the whole trip. the trip was not very well mapped out, we didnt even get directions till about 10 minutes before we left. we just got in the car and started driving, going, moving away and towards at the same time. a little before we reached out half way point, we found ourselves in the middle of a mountain range. it sort of came out of nowhere; we looked at it and thought that the tops where just the outlines of clouds (the air was thick with moisture and it was hard to pick out which it actualy was). it wasnt till we were among them that we realized what they were. it was amazing, breathing taking. inspiring. we started talking about their massiveness. whe then started to talk about what it would be like to climb one. whe then pulled over the car, got out, sized up one of the beasts, and then started to climb it. we had to hop through a barbed wire fence and cross a creek in a trench, but we hit the hill full on and hard. it was coverd in trees, grass, and cowpies. cows were everywhere. we spooked them a bit, but they didnt charge us like we thought they might. we hiked steady and evenly up the steep side of the moutain for about 15 minutes. we made a lot of progress and got over half way up it. once we hit that point, however, it became a lot more difficult. our breathing was stiffled, our hearts were racing, sweat ran over us. we pressed on. we made a total of 4 stops the rest of the way up to the top. when we finaly reached the peak, coverd in grass and a single dead tree, we looked around, hands against our knees as we hunched over in gasps, and started cheering. we yelled, we cheered, we ran around a little bit and just took in everything. it was aweful. full of awe. amazing. there where so many things that just captivated our minds, our vision, our perception on every level. we picked some mistle toe, ate some trail mix, drank some water, peed in the tree and bled in the tree, then started back down. it was an awesome event. an event that made the rest of the trip ten times better. and now i cant help but sit there and think, how easy would it have been to have never done that? to have never chosen to climb that mountain. to have just continued on with the boring car ride and to not have acted, to not have chosen something else, to not have used our ability to decide how we will look at things. our lives are very eventful. sometimes they are events that we dont choose... more often then not actualy. but we do have the choice. we can choose... and we can act. or we can go with the flow and never really experience life. just because there are roads doesnt mean you have to drive.
as of now this has focused on the personal; i havent stretched to how we effect others with our eventful lives. we are not the only ones who have events. people all around us are living... and i dont thing we know this that often. we know it... but we dont think about it, we dont sit there and think about how what we do will effect other people and that we play a roll in the events other people will have. our events change other peoples events, and the other way around. you choose, in a way, how people will live their lives. you may not choose their reactions, as no event can choose how you will respond to it, but you can choose what kind of an influence you will be in their life. will you encourage them or discourage? will you provide help for them or will you try to make things more difficult? will you show them love or hate or indeferance? sometimes indeferance can be just as bad, or worse, then hate. at least with hate they know you feel one way or another. with indeferance you feel nothing; you dont care. and not caring can cause a pain far more then anything else. i am not encouraging hating... just discouraging not caring. i am kinda done on this topic.
i dont like the feeling of having something to tell someone but not wanting to tell them. it's just not very fun. i feel like if you have something on your heart, you should just be open and share it. if you have something on your mind, come out with it and let people know. dont worry too much about stepping on peoples toes or imposing yourself on others, just come out with it. i would much rather have someone level everything right at me, say it to my face, smack me with words, whatever, than tip-toe around me, walking on egg shells and avoiding things that just might need to be addressed for my own good. this is not what i want to talk to the person about, the person i am avoiding talking to about some subject; i am just venting a bit of frustration with myself for not living the way i think other people should act; i am upset at my own hypocrisy. no... the subjet i have in mind is not that threatning... but it is. it is not something that i should fear telling them... but i do. the situation is a weird one... not weird, just diffrent compared to the average situation that is had on a daily basis. arg arg arg... i really wish i felt comfortable and willing to just share this with all of you, to come right out and say what is on my mind... but i am busy complicating things. all i am going to say is that... well, i hope that i can tell you someday... soon. and i hope i can tell everyone else what is going on in my mind of simplicity. i think i will... give me about... a month and 8 days... around there. maybe sooner.
you know what i dont like? i dont like it when people interupt me when i am reading. i am not a very anti-social person; i socialize more then most, to be honest, and have no problem with conversing. but when i am reading a book what makes a person think that i want to talk? i mean, if i wanted to be talking with someone, wouldnt i be doing that instead of reading? and why does it seem that people come up to me and want to talk with me when i am reading a book then any other time? do they think there is something wrong? well if that is the case then i would just like to say there is nothing wrong, i am enjoying a good book, leave me alone. its so frustrating and annoying. i can read during just about anything; i can read during a car ride, a plain ride, while a t.v. is playing, while people are talking around me, loud music, when its cold or hot, at a party, in a park, with friends or by myself... but i CANNOT read when someone is talking to me directly. when someone says something to me, it throws me off, i loose my spot, it distracts me to the point of just giving up on reading for the rest of the day. i try not to be rude, i try to just give them a one word response and then hope they will go away, but more often then not, they stand there, wait a couple of seconds and then ask me something else or say something else at me. thats when i usually look up from the book and say something. then, if they say one more thing after i go back to my reading, i take my book, flip it over or shut it, and stair at them. i'll answer their question, give them my undivided attention... and the conversation will go NOWHERE! i have no desire to talk, so i am not willing to help it out; i just want to get back to my book but i wont do so until you leave me alone! i know the moment i look back down at it, you will ask another dumb question... so i sit there, i look at you attentivly, and wait for you to leave. that is me when i get interupted from my reading. THE END
"I have to remind myself that some birds aren't meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up DOES rejoice. Still, the place you live in is that much more drab and empty that they're gone. I guess I just miss my friend." - good movie quote yet again.
"If you was hit by a truck and you were lying out there in that gutter dying, and you had time to sing one song. Huh? One song that people would remember before you're dirt. One song that would let God know how you felt about your time here on Earth. One song that would sum you up. You're telling me that's the song you sing. That same Jimmy Davis tune we hear on the radio, all day. About your peace within, and how it's real, and how you're gonna shout it? Or... would you sing something different. Something real. Something you felt. Cause I'm telling you right now, that's the kind of song people want to hear. That's the kind of song that truly saves people. It ain't got nothin to do with believin' in God, Mr. Cash. It has to do with believin' in yourself." - obviouse movie quote, but i love it.
sometimes one of the best feelings is not caring. i know we all care a little, to some degree or another, but when you find something that you really could care less about, especially when it is something that you recently cared way too much about, it is very freeing. being able to be content no matter how a situation plays out, one way or the other, is just good. that is all i have to say about that.
it is 7:25pm and we have just finished watching The Lord of The Rings:The Fellowship of The Ring. we still have The Two Towers and Return of The King left. we will end around 3 in the morning.
it seems odd to be traveling through the desert and to be serounded by so much green at the same time. the desert is always portrayed as being barren, void of beauty and life. i dont know why, but i deeply associate beauty with the color green. there is green here... it is beautiful here. there is also something about the air here, especially at night, that just smells sweeter, like a light hint of perfume. i guess what i am saying right now is that i like the desert, i like arizona, and i like this trip... so far. i could only imagine it getting better.
texas is awesome! that is really all i have to say right now about it. i could go into detail about so many things but that sentence sums it all up. awesome. i miss you people very much. i hope you are all doing well. love you miss you! and jessica, just read my darnded about me section posts. quit trying to make me post blogs and stuff.
hey, just wanted to say hi and that i miss everyone and that i am sorry that i am not on that often. i dont really have that many opportunitys to get on here and such, so yea... if you really want to keep in touch with me i would suggest writing me a letter. those are fun. just ask and next time i am on here i will give you my address. either that or just ask other people who already have my address... word.
i miss everyone so much right now. so so so much. i dont really know what else to say. i miss all of you so much that it hurts a bit in my heart. ugh... i dont like this feeling. but i guess that goes to say that i love you and cant wait to see all of you again. 7 more weeks to go. lets see if i can make it. :/ dont get me wrong, i am haveing an awesome time and i have made so many new friends... i just... i wish i could see everyones face whenever i wanted. i wish i could teleport back and forth between here and there. but i cant, and therefore i must trust in God, that he knows what he is doing and that he has me here for a reason. yup... good idea. thanks for the prayers whoever prays. its much appreciated.
so i have been back home for a few days now and it has been weird... in the sense that it hasn't been weird at all. i was expecting it to feel weird, having been gone for a month and then returning, and it is weird that it doesnt feel weird... which is... well, weird. yea. that was a mouthful... or is it an eyefull? or handfull? fingerfull... whatever. currently, i am trying to get back to texas as soon as i can. we will see how that goes. but there is one thing that i must tell you. it is very important and i want you all to know it. something about me that is something that i want you to know about me. God is my Dad. yea, i like that a lot. it is true and it is real and i am in love with that fact. not really having a dad in my life throughout the growing-up process has been... well, to me, normal. it is all i have ever known. but now i know something else... i have a Dad and he is God, the creator of everything. its pretty sweet. he is your Dad too, you know. we are related!! its so stinkin awesome. but yea... i want you to know that about me... i hope you can learn it about yourself as well. oh, and if i ever buy you a spiral notebook, it means that i think you are pretty cool and awesome and things of that nature. ok? ok.
"When I was younger... you used to hold my arm when I walked. Then suddenly you stopped. One day, I even tripped in your presence and nearly fell. I was faking, of course, but still you did not hold me. Sometimes we don't do things we want to do so that others won't know we want to do them."
"The world moves for love. It kneels before it in awe."
"I:When we are married, will you dance with me? I find dancing very agreeable. Why can you not say what is in your head?
L:Why can you not stop saying what is in yours? Why must you lead, when I want to lead? If I want to dance I will ask you to dance. If I want to speak I will open my mouth and speak. Everyone is forever plaguing me to speak further. Why? What good is it to tell you you are in my every thought from the time I wake? What good can come from my saying that I sometimes cannot think clearly or do my work properly? What gain can rise of my telling you the only time I feel fear as others do is when I think of you in harm? That is why I am on this porch, Ivy Walker. I fear for your safety before all others. And yes, I will dance with you on our wedding night." - oh man... movie quotes are so good.
"I'm talking about not covering every square inch with houses and strip malls until you can't remember what happens when you stand in a meadow at dusk."
"V:Have you ever transcended space and time?
A: Yes. No. Uh, time, not space... No, I don't know what you're talking about." - both quotes above are from the same movie.
“There is nothing that wastes the body like worry, and one who has any faith in God should be ashamed to worry about anything whatsoever”
“We must become the change we want to see.” - quotes from a dude... a cool dude. not a movie.
"Friendship is the source of the greatest pleasures, and without friends even the most agreeable pursuits become tedious." - a dude from a while ago.
"Courage is not simply one of the virtues, but the form of every virtue at the testing point." - if you know my favorite author you know who quoted this.
so i have been back from texas for a full week now... and it is still kinda weird to be back. i am enjoying it, but it is just weird. Bible school is awesome (for those of you who dont know, i spent the last there months of my life at Bible school in texas) and i feel i learned and grew a lot from the expereince. but yea... thats life as of now. i miss people. word.
well, i figured that i ought to update my about me a bit... seeing as i am still in texas, still going to bible school, and still really enjoying it. i will be here till the end of august... but yea, im cool with that to be honest. i miss you people in the ville and surrounding areas a lot. love you.
in an attempt to get this off my mind and chest i thought that i would post this here. i hate it when you have something on your mind that just lingers there like a smell or taste that you enjoy but is nothing compared to actually experiencing that which it reminds you of. you cant shake it, and you try for some reason; shaking your head about seeing if it will fly out of your mind and leave you in peace for a while. its like being swollowed almost. yea, this isnt getting anything out, is it? well... i dont know. i wish sometimes i wasnt so bad at communicating. i guess thats the thing i want to get off my chest... i always try to present myself as someone who knows what to say at the right time to get the right reaction; i try to show people only one side of who i am, and i try... and that is no good. and i, for some reason, try to avoid being seen as average in so many ways... i dont want people to think that i am the type of person who likes certin things, i want to feel superior... and that is so incrediably stupid. and i think, yea, im pretty sure that that is what i need to mainly get over. it prevents me from communicating to people, with people. well, this seems to be the first time i have acknowledged that problem... and yea... i dont think i can shake it on my own. so, thank God for Himself. i truely need Him on this one. well, that is good to finaly confront... phew... im glad that i realize this now. cool. lame, but better now then never.