Mechazawa

By now you may have heard of the captured terrorist masterminds who sought to destroy the entire airline industry with several cans of hair spray and an exploding Ipod. In the words of our great president, George W. Bush, let it serve as a "reminder that terrorists are still plotting attacks to kill our people."

Let us also not forget the attempt that was made two years ago to take down Los Angeles' Library Tower with a set of exploding footwear, or Iyman Faris, who craftily plotted to collapse the Brooklyn Bridge with a blowtorch. Devious schemes indeed, so cunning and deadly they could only be thwarted by the full and unchecked executive authority of a routine airport sneaker check. They truly are, as the president has suggested, "further evidence that the terrorists we face are sophisticated and constantly changing their tactics."

But even more terrorists have tried to strike at America within the past six years, evil geniuses of the al Qaeda network so quick and so clever it took all the power at the president's disposal to stop their infernal machinations. I have been granted the exclusive privilege to share just a few with you.

Abu Muhammed al-Hitler: planned to conspire to blow up the Golden Gate Bridge with a trained bear and an extra-long strip of firecrackers; captured only after being physically beaten into submission by an illegal NSA wiretap. As al Qaeda’s critical sixteenth-in-command, al-Hitler is believed to have personally overseen several of Khalid Shaikh Mohammed’s laundry runs, in particular the sorting of darks and whites.

Sheikh Nazi ibn al-Satan: plotted to plan to destroy the Sears Tower using a newly-purchased electronic toothbrush loaded with a dangerously overcharged pair of double-A batteries; stopped just in time by the impromptu waterboarding of an unrelated, unaccused non-terrorist detainee. He is believed to have once received Osama bin Laden’s personal autograph after having what he described as a “very important, very personal” elevator conversation within the Tora Bora office park.

The Blind Cleric Muslimo von Evil: almost managed to execute preliminary stages of master scheme to wash the Chrysler Building not with Tide, but with the leading cleanser, which would leave unsightly grass stains; plot thwarted by the flowering of democracy in Iraq. Intelligence experts have described him as “dangerously swarthy” and “highly bearded at this time.”

Miles Abu Ibn al-Milesworth: Smart terrorists must know how to blend in with their environment. This is why they teach you how to put sticks in your beard so that you pretend you're a tree and hide in places like Boston and Salt Lake City at terrorist training camp. Very smart terrorists such as Milesworth have been known to go one step further and disguise themselves as common house pets. Don't let his cool demeanor and goofy looks fool you! While he may look like your standard Pembroke Welsh Corgi, in fact, Miles is the criminal mastermind behind a plot to blow up every vacuum cleaner on the planet in an orchestrated fashion. Since 1995, Miles has made deliberate attempts to steal your underwear when company is over as the "ultimate" act of terror.

Ayatollah Edonkey: Taking hints from a reliable fifth party rumor heard at a coffeehouse in Prague, the intelligence community at the Recording Industry of America uncovered a devious plot by this terrorist involving CD-RWs and pirated DVDS. The scheme was truly brilliant, essentially offering would-be terrorists a way to set up their very own cells in critically strategic locations such as Lodi, California. Simply send in your proofs of purchase and receive your rewards! One terrorist point gets you a free turban. Fifty points will get you a super-secret decoder ring that allows you to see messages encoded in speeches made by Bin Laden and his cohorts. If you send one hundred points in, you receive your very own handy-dandy "do it yourself" terrorist cell kit, and five hundred points gets you a free camel! In full diligence, the RIAA promptly demanded Congress declare anyone who owns a CD burner a supporter of terrorism, enemy combatant, and subject to detainment without parole or trial.

Ahm Bur-glar: nearly crippled McDonaldland economy by hijacking critical burger shipments; indefinitely detained within the Fry Fortress by the power of presidential pretend. Unrepentant and unrestrained, given the chance he would robble again – quickly, and without mercy.