Guardian angel in Training

I just want to say- that i basically have all the symptoms of bi-polar even though i'm still in stage three of recovery- it's a life long threatening thing- that i wouldn't give up- cuz that's my own personal challenge- and through my personal challenge with bi-polar- i can help ppl over come theirs if they are willing to help themselves- and i've learned how to love everyone- even the guy who fathered my child and the friends of his and how it all turned out to be that i came about being pregnant- I honestly felt more abused that ppl weren't willing to give me my baby on their own and i having to sacrifice my own respect and dignity- and back to the bi-polar thing- the symptoms i have are: racing thoughts constantly- OCD- perfectionism- having expectations of ppl- being unable to control certain made up situations that were in my mind that actually become part of my reality- feeling like super woman- and being extremely sexually premiscuous- to me touch is the most important way of learning and receving all the love i need- and if ppl weren't going to give it to me the normal way- I guess i w was willing to do practially anything- and for me and cordel to both being enslaved by the heart through spiritual things- we r on the same playing field- and the thing is- the humanitarian code of ethics is: u should never abuse ppl for just any reason- but u should especially not abusse ppl who's souls are alreeady enslaved by the devil- and that's where black ppl make a mistake cuz they treat their own kind like shit alot of the time- cuz their hearts are taken over when their fathers turned them hard cuz the racism was brought on to them through history to this very present day- and they want to blame it still on the whites- cuz they were the ones who also helped enslave blacks- even though before like every other race or ethnic group enslaved themselves- it's the fact that the blacks have never gotten over what the ppl have done to their own ppl - so the blacks get our all their frustrations on their own ppl- which in turn technically makes them in the wrong- and white ppl now judge ppl based on how disrespectful the black ppl are to their own black ppl- but the blacks want to say that it's only about color- which in today's society racism doesn't exist physically- but it still exists mentally in the blak race- and that's why I know cordel has strong feelings for me and is unable to show them- and that's where i'm getting all frusturated- but what gets me through the day and to have more boundaries to pray to god and to count my blessings- and believe me- even though bi-polar is literally the worst disabling disease to me mentally- it could always be worst- and God is our savior and our greatest friend- and we need to learn how to respect goed more by treating one another with more respect- I love talking about what i know and when i don't know what i'm talking about i tend to stay quiet or out of the conversation all together- and i what i know alot of is about sociology- to me it's so interesting- I've been trying to explain to myself how I wound up with so many guys and how my favorite girlfriends of mine are bi sexuals or lesbians- I have a right to publish my findings since i've had dealt exclusively with like 130 black men and about 100 girlfriends who mostly are white- Being with black people has changed my life forever in a good way- I've been with alot of broken hearted black men cuz i knew that was the best chance to get my baby- that's how it all started out- cuz i knew a white man who was at the same level of social status as i would never just have a baby with me cuz i asked for one- even though it was like pulling teeth to get my baby with a black man to began with- What i've learned about- is what i like to call the universal humanitarian code of ethics- almost all of the 130 ppl who i've been with and most of them i've been with for three years or have kept in contact with- have treated their females like shit- and i kept asking myself- now why am i spared that inhuman treatment- i don't think it was the fact that i was white and they were black- even though i speak my mind more than i should- it was more the underlying fact that u could tell that i was different from the jump start- which they couldn't yet describe- but it is due to the fact that i have bi-polar- when u have someone who has any disability- the universal humanitarian code of ethics rise even higher- so what the universal humanitarian code of ethics is basically treating every person on this planet with dignity no matter what their condition is- and i believe that racism started out as being a color issue- i believe that 100%- what i don't believe that color issue is still the real issue behind why ppl still carry around racism with them- with just those 130 black men- which somehow i got all of them to intimacy- that was my doing- I could see how they treated one another and i got to meet some of their families and family members- and how they treated them- and how they treated their girlfriends- and some of them had children and how they treated their children- and most of them treated one another like shit- it doesn't matter what color u are- i just know that from long ago when racism still existed that hardness got passed down from generation to gerneration to today's generations- and i think that most ppl who are racist who are white- don't like black ppl based on how they treat others with disrespect- just like why we have wars- a small majority i learned is about penis power and building more resources and stealing lands from ppl- but it's also now adays about the humanitarian code of ethics- which is in the bible actually- it says that we r all servants to god while on this planet and that we should treat all with respect and dignity- and ppl who don't treat ppl with dignity get placed in jail- or their karma gets back around them- or they even may end up in the hospital- but since ppl are fighting for respect and trying to make other ethnic groups or different cultures change their value system to create better human character- i have more respect for ppl who are serving our country in war- I guess i had to abuse myself and had to fight off the devil personally to get a better view point of how ppl viewed the world- the thing that also caught me was the fact that even though black ppl still feel the hurt from racism that was passed on to them- now adays alot of them have so much potential to make such a huge impact on this world if only a female would to somehow get it out of them- and i can atest to that one- cuz all 130 ppl who i was with had it- and the one i fell madly in love with actually had a unique experience- because he had respect for almost all ppl from the jump start- and now i feel like even though we aren't together at this time- i feel as protective over him as i do my unborn child Jayden- and i just want to get it out that if anyone hurts my child- i will purposely gun u down and i won't feel bad about it- I've already had like 60 small suicide attempts- one near death experience that my body recessitated back to life- and one where i almost shot my lungs- which means i tried to suffocate myself- i can definitely protect myself and what's mine- and i'm happy to say that i never crossed any boundaries that i never wanted to cross when i had sex with any of the black men- i chose what i wanted to do with them- which is another thing when i abused myself but putting more out there to began with- but i felt comfortable enough with myself to do that- there's also a universal code of ethics on how humans should treat animals with respect- we evolved from ameobas and we need to treat our own kind with respect- and i do think that pit bull fighting is the most distasteful and disgusting and unethical thing u could do- they fight till the death- and ppl who do that shit should get wound up in jail