hello!!! my name is baraphamus james.. my friends call me baraph, or bj, or baraphamus, sometimes hey dude, or what's up homie. i've been called alot of names i guess, but the one i'm most fond of is baraphamus. that's what people tend to call me. unless they know something you might not know.. but generally most of my friends call me baraphamus, or by my god given name of baraphamus james.. i remember me and my crew went to mexico beach last year. we stayed in an incredible condo my buddy scorpion rented.. man, this condo was right near the peir, and let me tell you that we took full advantage.. so we are staying drunk the entire time we we're there, fishing on the peir by day, and partying like the rockstars we are at night. so me and derik are walking down the peir and somebody comes up to me and is like, "barapha-rapha, are you guys gonna have another party tonight?" i turned to my catching friend and proclaimed, " who the hell is this? have i met this person, and how does he know my name?" i mean come on!! do ya play a little?! you see, you really have to truely know me to smell what i'm steppin' in.. day in and day out, i slip into my office on a monotonous journey, not really knowing what the future has in store.. i have searched deep within my soul, and there is only one thing in this world that i am 100% of.. one thing that i can wake up every morning and be confident of before my toes even hit the cold floor.. one thing that holds itself self evident no matter what is going on in my life, or who i am surrounded by.. one thing that everyone i come in contact with, wether it's woman at the checkout at piggly wiggly or my teller at the bank. one thing that seperates me from the rest.. that one thing is this.. it's the one thing deep down you know without me saying it.. it's that one thing that you will never forget when i say it.. it's the one thing that you know your existance will not be the same without knowing.. that one thing is this: I AM baraphamus james.. if you don't like it, then don't f'n shop here!! hahaha! i'm too much fun! to all my friends.. i love every single one of you.. to anyone that's screwed me over.. well, i don't know.. screw you to i guess.. it really reminds me of how i used to live in florida.. i lived right outside of panama city beach. my wife was in the airforce and was occupied most of the time.. some of the best memories i have are the times i took my dogs to the beach and fly a kite.. i love flying kites.. if there is ever a time in your life where you feel like all hope is lost, or your world just doesn't seem to get better, go fly a kite.. it will change your perspective on everything.. there was a bingo hall right near my house, maybe a half mile away.. i used to go play bingo from time to time.. i remember that i would see the same familiar faces every time i went.. there was this one woman that looked like the little old grandma in the wedding singer that pays adam sandler with meatballs, except she kinda didn't really look like her at all. she was much scarier looking with sunken eyeballs and stuff. anyway, i'd see this woman every time i went up there.. no matter if it was 1:00 pm or 4:45 am, she was always there.. it leads me to wonder if this woman ever slept.. or more importantly, did she have a home and a family.. i saw here time and time again as she blotted her cards with her shaky old decrepit hands.. one step closer to the dream, and one step closer to insanity.. had this woman loved.. possibly.. was this woman loved.. probably.. did she carry aroud that swanson chicken pot pie box for a reason? b/c i mean there sure as hell wasn't a pot pie in there.. the only other time i ever saw her was at the quik sak on boat race road.. she was in there getting a cup of coffee and two quarts of motor oil.. she saw me watching her from the distance.. like and idiot, i tried to hide my face behind the golden flake beef jerky sticks that protrude upward from the racks that hold the candy and gum. i saw her advancing towards me in a mild fashion with puzzled look on her face.. like she might have recognized me or i reminded her of someone.. i kinda got a lump in my throat and an uneasy feeling came over me.. she stopped and peered at me b/c i started walking straight for the icey machine in efforts to inturrupt the face to face meeting.. she started walking the other way as to cut me off.. i went into panic mode! she slung herself loosley around the cheetos display and rushed toward me. i darted behind the pepsi two litre products.. suddenly she rushed me and leaped into the air as if she was about to pull some sort of crazy matrix flip or something.. she landed on the wheels and deals rack right near the front door as if she were trying to prevent my escape.. suddenly she spoke the oh so familiar words of past times.. times that certainly will never be forgotten.. she proclaimed," shake for me girl, i wanna be your back door man" .. i was astonished.. not only did this 70 year old woman just do a flip three feet up in the air to land on a magazine rack, but now she is quoting led zeppelin to me.. i started to freak out.. if mickey rourke had heard those aweful words spew from her chapped lips.. there's also a kfc right near that gas station but me and kate never ate there.. the paper mill stunk so bad down there.. every morning, i'd climb out of my box to smell that paper mill.. it reminds me of that time i was at the walmart right next to auburn university in alabama.. i was looking at the magazines b/c i knew we had quite a journey ahead of us.. so here i am standing next to a little girl that is about 10 years old.. i was looking through the pages of a guitar world magazine when i let slip the most deadly fart man has ever sniffled.. the little girl started choking violently so i pulled the expandable wet floor cone off one of the support poles near by and threw it beside her.. lord knows i didn't need a buggy rolling over me as i administered cpr to my helpless victim.. i heard a voice come over the intercom about some sort of hazmat precaution.. suddenly it struck me.. " do you think that everyone on myspace will actually waste their time reading this garbage about old ninja women and atomic farts?" there's really no way of telling.. except.. wait.. will you tell me? if you actually made it through all this crap let me know please.. it's really the only way i will ever know who is actually intrested in what i have to say.. as i walked down the aisle, i notice a strobing effect.. it was the lights above.. a flourecent tube was on the brink of exctinction.. about to flicker out like david hasselhoff's singing career. and that's when he knew.. that's when he truely knew that there was only one way.. only one thing.. I AM baraphamus james.. it reminds me of the time me and mike met santana on the boardwalk of daytona.. mike suggested going to the cheerleader convention. carlos was completely apprehensive.. who could blame him though.. if my doctor said i only had 479 months to live i would too.. can you guess how many gumballs are in the jar.. c'mon.. take a guess.. let me ask you this.. when's the last time you were touched like you needed to e touched?.. seriously.. in my sabatical, i have figured out the meaning of life.. here it is.. you ready?.. i know this to be the truth.. whatever you do and whatever happens, love is what makes the world go round'.. without love your life is a ridiculous game on repeat..now happy, are you sad? wanna shoot your dad? i'll do anything i can the wrong way!!there was one more thing.. why is she?. everyone that reads this knows exactly what i'm saying.. the one you love so much.. the one you know you can't live without.. the one person that you know for a fact she was meant for you.. you put everything into it.. you downright fiber of existence is embedded.. hmmm......
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