This is my story...My LIFE....This is just a little bit of the horror I experienced with my abuser...My husband....
Ive been thinking so much lately about the last seven or so years of my life and it is crazy to think that at 24 I have been married, lost children, been divorced, gone crazy, got straight again, fell again for another jackass and the few in between then and now. I can honestly say now that marriage and children must not be in the stars for me and although at one point this would have truly devastated me, I think now in my life I am finding contentment in knowing and accepting this fate.At 18 I was married....I had waited since I was 14 to marry this "boy" ....on and off from 14 to 18 I figured that my heart was what I needed to follow...I was so blessed in so many ways, but I thought that I truly wouldn't be complete until I showed everyone that this "boy" that everyone disliked and warned me about, would be the "one" and prove to them at how wonderful he was, how he would take care of me, and that they just "didn't" understand. It was a romantic thought, a dream that I believe every little girl has and especially ones who have been through a lot with life and the everyday insecurities of growing up. The truth is...It was such a childish thought, hopeless and irrational, but what wonderful daydreams I had... Until those daydreams turned into reality and reality turned into the worst nightmares that I would encounter in my short life.Here is what "Following my Heart" turned into:August 2001.... I cant even describe the feeling of knowing that the one you love, the one you are sure of, the one that you WAITED sooo long for is about to be in your arms...Is about to come and take all the pain away, kiss your tears and heartache away and just...just BE. I waited so long for this moment. I fought to the end with my father and sisters about him. I defended him and his actions and past with such a passion that I made myself believe that I was right and they had NO clue. I put this boy on such a pedestal that even I could not knock him off. I had cried too much, I had spent too many nights wondering "What If", too many moments were spent agonizing over letting him go or following what my heart told me to do...which was to RUN to HIM...after all, he was my lost soul mate that life had unfairly taken away from me. Nobody understood our fire, our feelings, Only us two could explain the craziness...It was US against the world. So on that warm Summer night, I packed my bags and made such a terrible decision to run from the warmth of my family...into the coldness of the arms of such a dark, downward spiral...I left to be with him..to show everyone IT WOULD WORK....I didn't know at that time that my life would never be the same again...October 2001I'm pregnant. I'M pregnant....OH MY GOSH....IM PREGNANT. I Knew I was before the test even decided to be positive. The funny thing is the test came up negative...But that night I went to sleep and I just knew when I woke up that I was pregnant. Finally after ten different tests...there it was...a slightly faded pink line along with the other darker one. It makes me so sick now...but what a triumphant feeling it was. Like I had won a prize....I had done it...Big deal...anyone for the most part can get pregnant right??? BUT.... the doctors a few months earlier had told me that I would probably never be able to conceive without medications and doctors care. Here it was though...I had proven them wrong and in less then a month, I was definitely preggos. When that "boy" came home I was so excited to tell him that I was pregnant, I cant even explain the "high".... I was just so ecstatic and ready to begin my life. It was going to work...I knew it was going to work... It could NOT work...that wasn't an option. And now with a baby to think of, marriage just seemed like the reasonable thing to do. I loved him, he loved me and now we were having a baby.... I felt ashamed in some ways and thinking of my family and what they were to say made me cry and feel terrible, but at the same time, I felt that it would all come together....that this baby and getting married would just show them that I knew the responsibililty of what comes next and that even though I left and was completely off my rocker, I wanted to be a good girl and live a honest life. But you know.... I knew that it wasn't an honest life. This "boy" that I was marrying....Oh wow...he wasn't good at all...he was downright malicious and deceitful...I watched him go to work and play the part during the day...but at night, I watched him come home after doing drugs and stealing from stores...Stealing from friends and family....along with other things he did that were awful...But...I made excuses for him...He came home to me right? He loved me..right? He never hit me (yet)...and even though we would fight, it was because I made him mad...I shouldn't have said the things I said to him...I shouldn't question why and what he was doing, If I really loved him then I would just trust him and just give in. I needed to stop being selfish, after all...I was going to be "his wife"...December 15th 2001I lost the baby. I lost my little angel. It was my fault. I want to die. He hates me. HE tells me that I should have listened to him and not gone to Disney World with my family. He tells me that he should have never let me go. But he says he forgives me...He FORGIVES me...He gave me another chance...I tell him I'm sorry, I tell him that I understand if he doesn't still want me. He tells me that I'm his..... If I only knew the power of what "his" entailed.December 21st 2001 7pmI'm married! I'm so excited! I feel that a little sunshine has broken through the clouds. I'm HIS wife....can you believe it...I'm HIS WIFE...Nobody else can be his wife...He chose ME...Thats right...He CHOSE ME....I'm married now. My life is going to begin....December 22nd 2001 2amI'm cold. I don't know what happened. I hurt all over. I'm bleeding. My body is shaking. I wasn't ready for this. But how do you say No to him? He wants a child, I'm his wife. Its our wedding night. The D&C surgery shouldn't matter. The pain should be the pleasure of giving him what he wants. This is my husband. I love him. He loves me.January to June 2002I cant sleep unless he can sleep. His wife listens to him. His wife is ugly, fat, disgusting, good for nothing, piece of shit. His wife works all day everyday and tries her best to make it to where he doesn't have to work. His wife should feel bad about the terrible life that he went through and had to endure. Look at what I had and what he didn't have. I start having pains that burn in my belly at night, I wake up with sweat and cold skin. My heart beats at random times like I am dying. I go to work exhausted but smile and laugh because I'm his wife....Its normal to have to wake up to his hands around my neck because he had a bad dream...Its normal for him to get in my face and attack me because I shouldn't have questioned his authority, his motive with our lives... I cant get pregnant, WHY is it taking so long... He tells me that he hates me, he tells me I'm no good, I tell him..."But I Told you I might not be able to have children" He slaps me. He tells me the HE proved that wrong and I must be doing something. He tells me that if HE doesn't have a child within the year he is leaving me. I cry.... I just want him happy, He cant leave me. I miss my daddy.... I just want to go home, but he loves me, I know he doesn't mean it. He always says he is sorry. And then he loves me like he should for a bit. Its those few moments that I live for. All the pain I go through is somehow understandable when he tells me that he is sorry and that He Loves Me and the I am His Wife.Its dark. I'm scared. No, I'm terrified. Its been bad, but this is different. I just want to die. Maybe this time I wont wake up. He is smothering my face with his hands. I'm trying to fight back. I'm tired. I'm so tired. I'm sick of fighting back. I let his hands as usual rest around my neck. Its fuzzy, I pray.... "Please let my daddy know I'm sorry...please just let this end, Please Lord, I cant do it anymore." Everything goes black.I'm awake...Oh God, I don't want to be awake. WHY, WHY do you keep letting me wake up. Please God, Please just end this.I tell him I'm leaving. I tell him that I can't do this anymore. I'm going home and I'm telling my dad everything. He screams. He starts throwing all my stuff that he hasn't already wrecked. He starts breaking my cds, my angels and then he takes me and knocks me down. He starts tearing off my clothes and somehow I cant move. I'm shocked. I'm naked. He pushes me outside and I fall on the ground. I'm so numb. I'm so embarrassed. I'm numb though. I curl up and try to cover myself and just pray that nobody drives by and sees me. I'm so ugly. I'm so nasty. Hes right, what would I do without him? Who else would want me? I'm so lucky to have Him.... I'm his wife....He opens the door. He is crying. "Why do you make me do these things to you baby? I love you so much, but you keep trying to make it so hard. You cant leave, I need you, if You leave Tara, I will end it, I will slit my wrists and end it all. Baby, don't do this to me. You are my life. Stop hurting me like you do, just stop hurting me." What did I do?4am..... I gave my dad the rent money and he is flipping out. "You're not allowed to sleep you bitch. You fucking cunt.... How COULD you?" he screams at me. I look at him and start crying and I tell him, "We have to pay the rent, my dad helps us too much, hes asking for the rent, we are behind on so many things and with you not working...." He starts pounding in at my ears and bashing my head against the wall. "Please stop...Please....just....stop" I cant even mumble straight. Somehow, I'm walking as he drags me out to the backyard. He kicks me down. There is a cold almost metal feeling against my head. I think I'm going to vomit. His breath is on my skin. He slaps me. And the he is gone. I go to get up, I'm so dizzy, its so dark out. I have to work tomorrow. I start to walk inside. BOOM, something hit me upside the head. I sit there for a minute. "WHY CANT YOU JUST DIE" he screams...."WHY CANT YOU JUST DIE" I almost laugh...but inside, I have been thinking the same thing. I want to yell at him and tell him.... "Cant you see...I am dying...I am dead." In my dizzy state, the truth of my whole marriage and little girl fantasy has come unraveled. I no longer want to be his wife. I want to go home. I want to live again. I cant though. I am his wife. I made a vow, I made my daddy think I was ok, and look at what he has done for us. The wedding, the house, accepting the "boy" that he begged me so much to stay away from. I cant leave, I have to make this work. I am such a loser, such a stupid, stupid little girl.The cold metal is against my throat. A box cutter this time. Not hands. A box cutter. He is going to kill me with a box cutter. My head is gone....I laugh now at the things that he tries to kill me with these days. The saying I am Scared to Death has taken on a new meaning. Because after all...how can you be scared to death when you live with it everyday?A flare gun. I'm on the ground with a flare gun upside my head. His stank breath is in the air and in my face. "This...this will be so painful Tara. Do you know what happens when I pull the trigger....It wont kill you instantly...No Tara, It will shoot inside your head and then slowly melt through your brain and you will feel it all.... you stupid bitch. I hate you." He loads the flare gun. I close my eyes. I pray that my daddy knows I love him and that I pray he knows how sorry I am. The "boy" pulls the trigger. I hear it click. It clicks again, again, again and again. I open my eyes. "YOU STUPID FUCKING BITCH, WHY WONT YOU JUST DIE" He SCREAMS and starts banging the flare gun against my head.... I start realizing that for some reason, I either am meant to live...or I'm going to die a even more horrible death then I can imagine.June 28th 2002Ive been so sick. I cant keep anything down for two or three months. I'm bleeding out of places I didn't know possible. My ears hurt. I'm finally going to the doctor. Ive decided that I am finally going to leave him. I have a plan....."Well my dear...you said you've been taking pregnancy tests?" the nurse asks. I just look at her and nod my head. I want to ask her if she has any idea how psychotic my husband is. He tests me once a week. Pregnancy tests and beatings...Go figure.... "Well honey, it looks like they were wrong...Congratulations!!! You are very very pregnant!"I'm shocked. Honest to God shocked. I'm also scared to death and confused. I'm supposed to leave him...But I cant leave him... I cant be unmarried and have a baby. And I cant go home and be pregnant and have my family support this...they do so much anyway. I cry....the nurse thinks I'm happy. I just smile and tell her that I'm shocked. She gives me a hug and tells me they are going to do an ultrasound. Everything is happening so fast. I start feeling a little glimmer of hope....Maybe this is what we needed...he was so good to me when I was pregnant. He loved me then and he was so happy..... The doctor comes in with a big smile on his face... "WELL WELL WELL...lets take a look." Amazing... my breath is taken aback. I see the little guy swimming around. Then I see its heartbeat and I'm in love. My head starts planning its future, I start thinking of names and things I need. What I can turn the other room into....I start getting excited. All the cold inside of me just seems to melt away. Nothing matters to me except for this little person inside of me. I'm beaming as I walk out of the doctors office. I will make this work...this has got to be my second chance. I will be a great mommy, I will take the best care of my baby and the "boy" will have to straighten up or I'm gone.July 20th 2002Life has been calm, the husband has barely hurt me and has been oddly nice and is working again. We are going to another doctors appointment in a few days to see the baby. Everything seems to be heavenly...I feel I can start breathing again.July 20ish 2002My doctor comes in and my husband says something stupid about him being a male doctor.... I'm so embarrassed...I ask him to please stop. The doctor looks at me like he feels bad but tries to just smile. He starts talking about how sick Ive been and tells me that I just must be more prone to "morning sickness" and that it should be over in a few weeks hopefully. After the ultrasound is all hooked up I get really excited and it also shuts up my husband for a moment and we all look at the baby on the screen. But something is different this time and at the moment I let out a little gasp, my doctor smiles really big. Twins.... Who would've thought! "No wonder you have been so sick Tara! You seem to be further along then expected, but because they are twins, the sizing is off, looks like this little one was hiding!" I start crying because at this time I am sooooo happy and excited, I feel so blessed and thankful. I'm 15 weeks. My doctor says that in the next few weeks we will be able to know the sex of the babies. I hear their heartbeats and I just am in awe.... Its such a rush...such a fantastic high for me. I'm in Heaven. I love them, I just cant wait to meet them.August 2002We are fighting so much. He is hurting me again. I'm leaving.Mid August 2002He caught me trying to call me dad. He pushed me down. He twisted my arm and I fell. I'm so sick, I'm so dizzy, I couldn't really even fight back. I'm so tired these days. I'm leaving... But then...he tells me that I wont leave him. That he is tired of being nice. He puts a razor blade to my throat and has me backed up against a wall. "You wont leave Tara, those are my kids. You leave and I will find you. You leave and you will regret ever defying me. I will take your family Tara, I will kill them. I will tie you up, where you will be in a hanging state....I will sew open your eyes and MAKE you watch as I kill your precious daddy. Then wheres your Jesus Tara...Wheres daddy's wonderful Jesus? You leave me Tara and your dead, nobody wants your fat ass and who is gonna want not only your nasty self but another mans kids. MY KIDS. You wont leave me Tara. You just try. You will NEVER be free Tara. Watch your daddy's back..... Such a holy man with such a bitch for a daughter. You just try me Tara, do it."September 2002Its dark...the husband is sleeping. I have everything ready to leave. I even have the cellphone. I'm out the door. I'm running down the street. I cant believe I'm out. Then a pit in my stomach. I hear him running after me. I don't understand...He was passed out drunk and smoked out. Why Lord...Why? I see a long black metal thing. Tire Iron. You got to be kidding me. I'm trying so hard to run faster, I start screaming. Nobody is listening. He starts hitting me with the tire iron in the middle of the street. WHERE IS ANYONE AND EVERYONE....Oh Please, Somebody help me. He is right. I wont ever be able to leave.I go to work the next day. I'm bleeding. I call my dad. The hospital is cold. They tell me to stop overreacting. They tell me that I most likely lost the pregnancy and to go home. I'm numb. I cant breathe. What is home anyway?Three or four nights later, I literally cannot breathe. The husband is at it again. He is taking everything and throwing it at me. He kicks me down and into the sliding glass door. It breaks, he picks up a piece and starts trying to slash me with it. I double over with such an intense pain that I don't even know whats hit me. I don't even feel his blows because my body has just went into shock. I start screaming at him and I'm in such a panicked state that he actually stops for a minute. I look down, there is blood and gooey stuff between my legs. I'm dying I think. The pain, Oh God, it wont stop. I cant breathe, I cant move, I'm screaming for him to call the ambulance. This isn't normal....I crawl to the bathroom and into the bathtub. My body has taken over and I'm shaking, I start pushing...I feel like I am up above looking down. I cant breathe. I pass out. I wake up hours later. I call my dad screaming and crying. He starts freaking out and asking me why I'm not at the hospital. He tells me this isn't normal....Where is my husband, he asked? I don't know what to tell him. I just want to tell him everything, oh the pain. The pain.....I hear the door slam. "Please, Please," I say to him. "I wont say anything, I'm going to die if you don't take me in."September 17th 2002I'm pale, I can hardly breathe, my blood pressure is so low that they have a few doctors in the room. They put an oxygen mask over my face. They keep telling me to hold on. That I'm in labor. Labor? LABOR? But how? I go to ask and like a fish out of water my body starts flopping around, its almost poltergeists... The movements that I made because of the excruciating pain my body started making was so unreal. I rip off the mask and sit up. I'm screaming and they keep telling me to hold on. I look over at HIM for a minute and I actually see fear in his eyes. He wanted me dead and here it seemed that I was. My heart was racing so fast, my body wasn't mine anymore. I start pushing, crying and screaming. A women with gold hair comes in. She almost seems like a star, like an angel. I think I'm seeing things. But she holds my hand and whispers in my ear that its going to be alright. I clam for a minute only to start screaming again as the pain shoots back throughout my whole body. She tells me its too late to give me an epidural. I'm so confused. My knuckles are pale and my hands are bleeding because I am grasping the bed rails and whatever is near me because of the pain. She tells me that it's okay to scream, she tells me to do what ever I need to do. I realize then what is going on with my body and it all seems to finally make sense. I'm giving birth to something that is not living. I'm going through all this, for nothing. Then another fluid like pressure comes and I feel the doctor lay me back and tell me to push. She pushes on my stomach and tells me that she knows it hurts but she is trying to help. And then...then one comes out...My son... Its the tiniest little thing I have ever seen, but the features are so distinct. For a moment there is relief. But it is only a moment and again the pain is back, my body goes into alien mode again and after ten more minutes the rush of fluid is back and out comes my little girl. Disfigured and almost unrecognizable, but there she is. The pain is gone. My blood pressure stabilizes. My breathing starts returning to normal. Everything goes black.I wake up. I thought I would at least get to hold the babies... I knew that they weren't full term, I knew that it wouldn't be like holding a real baby. But they were mine. And he took them. The cruelest thing that he could have done besides what he had done is what he did. He signed over the papers to just have them taken and whatever the hospital wanted to do they did. I didn't even have a say because he was my husband. He just gave them away like they were nothing. He didn't cry, he didn't say he was sorry. He just signed his name to a piece of paper and my world was gone. I didn't even have the chance to say goodbye. One of my biggest regrets besides the biggest being not being able to leave, was that I didn't fight with the doctor/nurses to go against what my husband had signed. I found out a week later from my doctor that there could have been a burial after the testing was done but he had waived the right for all of it. My doctor point blank told me that he knew those babies were healthy and had a chance. He told me that he needed me to tell him what was going on and he could help. To please let him know the truth so he could put a stop to it. I never saw that Dr. again. But I think about him and the doctor with the gold hair from time to time because I knew that they knew. The truth really was there all along.January 2003My dad takes me to a class for a childcare credit. During the class we are talking about abuse and for some reason on the way home I start talking to my dad about the discussions. All it takes is for my dad to say "Tara, if HE ever tries that with you...." and I start bawling. I cant even get any of it out....a few key words come out....death, choking, killing, family.....Somehow through all my tears the point is made. I'm being abused. I cant take it. He is going to kill me or I am going to kill myself....December 2007Following your heart can be very misleading. I am the biggest advocate of having to live your life and make the mistakes you need to figure out who you are but I do know now that if something is so difficult then it is probably best to walk away and let go. I look at my family so differently know. I used to be so angry when they were in my business and telling me that the person I loved wasn't what I believed he was. I have learned the hard way that sometimes there are reasons to why family members and friends try to warn us and tell us that the person we love is not right for us. Its not because they do not want us happy or are jealous. Its not because they want to see us miserable and alone. It is for the exact opposite reason they try to voice their opinions so loudly. It sometimes seems so obnoxious, cold and rude. But the truth of the matter is that it is out of panic and fear that it may come across the way it does to us. Sometimes when we know that something isn't right and cant logically explain it, the words come out wrong and things are misunderstood. Because it is our hearts we think we are following, we become defensive and more withdrawn, trying to prove them wrong and go against the grain even more. The fact of it all is that, If there are so many people who have known you your whole life and accepted you no matter what, that are telling you that somethings not right...then most likely....They are seeing what we are too blind to see. If it was right, things would come together peacefully without you always having to fight for things to go smoothly. You cant force something that isn't right. And if you find yourself questioning your motives, your families motives, find yourself crying and wondering about the future with this person, and just plain confused and hurt about the whole situation then I honestly can say you need to let it go and let them go. True peace is being still and content. Yes...it is the hardest thing to do after you built your world around this person. Nobody understands you like they do.... You haven't felt this way about anybody like you do with him. But it is honest to God all a lie and a fantasy that unfortunately your head has come up with. An illusion to block yourself away from reality.Reality is what it is. With my ex husband it was clear as day to the rest of the world. He was a convicted felon at age 16, he was a drug dealer with no respect for women. He loved telling stories about what a horrible life he had and why he was the way he was. How he was "mentally ill" and just needed help and understanding. He had an excuse for everything and anything. He had a horrible temper but it could be overlooked because he was so good at manipulating others. He was the type of guy who could make friends wherever he went, he could sit down and have a conversation with you and make you feel so special and beautiful. Make you feel understood. But once he has you where he has you, he is done with you. The truth is he only wants you because of what he can gain from you. You can believe that you are smarter then him and the it isn't like that. But it is. Especially with my ex husband. He saw that I was a good girl with a lot of issues, he saw that I had a wonderful family who loved me and would help me out if I needed it. He saw an opportunity to get what he felt he deserved without having to work for it. He used me as his meal ticket, his punching bag, his rag doll and so much more. Its disgusting but its the truth and it can happen to you.A real man will NEVER call you a bitch, a psycho, a slut, crazy...etc. Its not funny, its not cute, no matter what form or context it is said in, it is disrespectful and down right disgusting, a real man doesn't talk down to you and use profanity at you. A REAL man has the utmost respect for you and wants to help you and take care of you and build a life with you.... He will work hard if he has to, to at least try and give you the life that you both deserve. He wont be in and out of jail, failing drug tests, and doing drugs or binging on alcohol and partying. He will be trying to start a future with you and getting to know you. He will make you laugh and do little things to make you feel special. He wont be jealous and overbearing. His temper will be mild and if he does get angry he will walk away and then come back to TALK to you about the situation and compromise. A real man wont say things about your family and friends and try to make you stay away from them. He will be happy to get to know your friends and family and put up with even the most really annoying friend or overprotective family member. A real man will do everything that you would do for him. A real relationship isn't lived in fear, tears and confusion. A real relationship isn't wondering if the person that you are in love with is going to leave again, get in trouble again, fight with you again.... and a real relationship isn't wondering why you are so hurt and heartbroken and wondering where your life is going. When things are meant to be...they work out blessed and joyously. As corny as it is, I truly believe this and I KNOW this. I am not crazy, irate, jealous, psycho, and I am not a bitch, disgusting, nasty, and so on. Please get out. Please find yourself. Please don't make the same mistake I did and stay.www.myspace.com/domesticviolenceisntcoolEvery October is Domestic Violence Month.
How many people know that, the better question is, How many people know that but do not really even give it a second thought. Today it happens so much that it doesn't even phase a person, people even make jokes. The fact is, its NOT FUNNY. I myself have been the victim of Domestic Violence and four years later and counting, I have never forgotten the pain and the fear that I was in and still think about. Some would tell you to get over it if you have managed to get out of the abuse, Some might tell you to suck it up if you ARE IN the abuse still. Whatever the situation, YOU DO HAVE A VOICE AND THERE ARE THOSE WHO CARE. I CARE and I want to help, I want to be there for all the little girls, women,fathers, sisters, brothers, mothers, friends and so on who have had to experience any of the grief, shock, trauma, and whatever emotion that this deadly epidemic has caused. Please Dont Wait. Tell Someone, Do it carefully, and GET OUT. Its NOT YOUR FAULT, YOU DO NOT DESERVE THIS NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE. It can happen to ANYONE, It does NOT DISCRIMINATE. DO NOT KEEP QUIET, If you or someone you know is in a abusive relationship, Please Get Help. This is what this site is for.
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