I was allergic to anything as a child and am still intolerant of peanuts and mispronunciations of advertisement and aluminum. I have been employed as a waiter, an assistant of teachers, a guarder of lives, and been given a crash course in hourly economics by a cadre of bleary-eyed late shift, organized warehouse employees. I am the person who provides wishes and smiles on dreary days by dropping pennies whenever I get them. The most valuable material thing I own is a Bob Ross painting. I like the new Star Trek more than the old. I have been branded a scholastic underachiever since elementary school (second grade report-card). On my Eighteenth birthday I was called a Pinko by Staff Seargent Billings of the United States Marine Core. My earliest memory is nausea on a merry go round. I have never played spin the bottle.
The most amusing true anecdote I know involves an individual legally know as Mighty God Christ, who suffered a severe reaction when a disgruntled fellow Burger King employee spiked his Pepsi with LSD. Mighty Dog confiscated the Toy Story kids meal figures and locked himself in the freezer. There was a backup at the counter, cries from toyless kids, and complaints from cried-out parents. The disgruntled employee was temporarily gratified by the chaos. But in the end, the police were called, the suspect punished and Mighty God made a full recovery. The most amusing untrue anecdote I know involves squirrels and my mailman’s pants (his name is Vinny).
My kindred spirit is a conscientious objector, named Deyja by should-have-been hippies during their hazy years. She is still traumatized because fate placed her at the same junior high school as a boy named VU, and an overzealous teacher with a penchant for pun sat them beside each other, so scheduled hilarity could ensue everyday at roll call. For shits and giggles she’s saving the world on a social workers salary, and stamping out conformity wherever she finds it. She’s gotten rich by hoarding smiles from the lonely kids for whom she’s a bit of bright.
I cure depression with insomnia. I had an imaginary friend instead of a pet. I write my grocery list in code in case it’s discovered. I have a brother who’s a lawyer, a cousin who’s an exotic dancer, and an uncle who’s a fireman, so I’m pretty well covered. I enjoy shades more than colors. The meaning of life is hidden somewhere in black and white candid photographs. I have difficulty with the notion that with each passing day everything I love is slowly dying. I think you can read a person by their eyes, shoes, and behavior at a youth soccer match. I don’t understand non-alcoholic beer. I abhor apathy, narcissism, and overuse of the word “likeâ€. I savor hotdogs in which the meat ingredients are reported on the package as having been mechanically separated. Before I die I would like to own a pair of cowboy boots, get through my lists of books to read and films to see, and complete a Rubix Cube without cheating.
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