Ossim profile picture

Ossim

I'm pretty buff for a skeleton.

About Me

Noone really reads this crap anyway, so I'll just confirm what you might already assume about me:
My yard is filled with pungee stick traps and has a complex network of underground tunnels in case someone should decide to invade and napalm my humble abode.
I am related to every asian in the world. Chong Li, Bruce Lee, Jet Li, Jackie Chan, Wang Chung, Long Duc Dong, Kung Pao, General Tso - yes I know them all.
I will eat your dog, however because I dislike soy sauce I carry a bottle of A1 on me at all times just in case a stray wanders by.
My penis is small. In fact, it's so small I had it completely removed in favor of detachable set that comes in 10 different sizes. This has been advantageous since I no longer have to strap 5 condoms on to avoid getting an STD.
I eat everything with chopsticks - that includes cereal, ice cream, tomato soup, peanuts, and mashed potatoes.
What you construe as being a bad asian driver is in fact me pissing you off for contaminating my ancestors' homeland with agent orange. If I happen to hit your dog it was because I was hungry.
It is true that my peripheral vision is impaired by my smaller slanted eyes. The reason we all do kung fu is because Americans are such large targets.
Click here for peeps.

My Interests

I enjoy playing choke the trouser trout.

I'd like to meet:

1) A talking sea monkey.
-or-
2) Richard Gere so I can punch him in the face for absolutely no reason.
-or-
3) A baloo which is supposedly a bear.
-or-
4) A hot sexually promiscuous redhead that will make me breakfast.
-or-
5) That evil gnome that steals the socks from the dryer.

Music:

It is my belief that by not listing any music I frequent here, that the 5 million unoriginal, no talent, excessive noise pollution MySpace bands will cease to spam me 100 messages a day asking me to "check out their site"

Movies:

Porn in Blu-Ray.

Television:

ESPN. Family Guy. Entourage. Battlestar Galactica

Books:

Anything Dean Koontz and whatever is on sale at the airport.

Heroes:

Buddha and Jesus. For an undescribeable entity, God is pretty cool too.

My Blog

Things to do before I move

Buy new underwear (just for Naomi) Replace socks especially ones that have 2 holes or more Toss out porn ("read" through all of them first) Throw away cheap "made in Vietnam" luggage before it fa...
Posted by Ossim on Tue, 01 Jul 2008 11:27:00 PST

What dreams may come - broken ones anyway,

Dear Mr. Hoang,         We regret to inform you that after a long and painstaking selection process, you have not been selected as one of our 10 finalists for this s...
Posted by Ossim on Tue, 15 Jan 2008 05:56:00 PST

Nope

Normacy is everything that does not fall within the realm of social deviancy.Because the standards of social deviancy are consistently changing throughout time, the idea of normacy is therefore comple...
Posted by Ossim on Sat, 15 Sep 2007 10:54:00 PST

Because Micheal Biehn is everywhere

Michael Biehn is the action star that never was but should have been.  The ultimate support role character.  Everyone has seen him but noone knows who he is.  He is just that "that one ...
Posted by Ossim on Fri, 06 Jul 2007 10:58:00 PST

And on this patriotic holiday....

Does anyone else have any serious issues with being proud to be an American these days.  Maybe its ironic that I finished reading the autobiography of Che Guevara today and reread the autobiograp...
Posted by Ossim on Wed, 04 Jul 2007 05:31:00 PST

News of 6/12/07

So I felt inclined to judge the quality of news today. Airline passenger with rare immuno-resistant form of TB globetrotting despite orders to stay put.  Irrelevent:  I'm just as likely...
Posted by Ossim on Wed, 13 Jun 2007 10:11:00 PST

Dear Democrats - Don't read this if you hate political rants

     Thank you for having no political stance on any particular subject other then the we're getting out of Iraq platform.  Every single one of your candidates doesn't ha...
Posted by Ossim on Thu, 05 Apr 2007 11:16:00 PST

My annual 6 mo. Ramblings....

First and foremost I would like to apologize.  There have been a handful of gals that I've blown off with the following responses this fall to winter season:Friday - "Sorry I want to go out ...
Posted by Ossim on Thu, 18 Jan 2007 06:50:00 PST

eHarmony.com

I couldnt help but laugh when I saw a commercial this morning.  Most people don't recall this but it initially started out as a fraud and was sued by a ton of people.  What they did wou...
Posted by Ossim on Sat, 12 Aug 2006 09:53:00 PST

muahahhaha i get my bike back.

So my bike spent more time in the shop then my hand did in a cast.  Anyhoo, after almost a month I get to pick it up tomorrow so I can tempt fate once more (really that death guy is slacking off)...
Posted by Ossim on Thu, 29 Jun 2006 11:24:00 PST