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Who am I... Who am I?... "Who am I?" is a question for the ages, really. That's the one we're all trying to find out; "Who I am?"" Who's in there?" "Who wants to come out and say, "Hey... I'm hungry." Who I am, is too profound, you gotta go in deep, almost like that movie where the thing came out of that guy's stomach and ate the people on the fucken spaceship. May they rest in peace.

My name is Freddy. I'm also known as Bobby Tanks, Freddo Baggins, Freddy Scissorhands, Freddy Montana, Sammy "The Groin", Elmer "The Fudd", Tubby "The Tuba", and once as "Ms. Phyllis Levine". But that was at a party, it was years ago. I smoked a titubit and I had a guaqalude, and the next thing you know, I'm in fishnets and singing showtunes. These things happen.

That being said, I am also known to the people who know me the best as "The Fucken Doctor". But that has nothing to do with our original question, who I am... Well, I'm just a nice guy. A filmmaker by way of life, a smart-ass by nature, a music lover by heritage and a hopeless romantic by influence. I believe that films are the only true form of magic left, and that music is the only other thing more important to our survival than air and food. I'm an old-school dude to the bottom of my heart. Old-school music, old-school movies, old-school romance.

Yet, I'm a modern man, a man for the millennium; digital and duty-free. A diversified, multi-cultural, post-modern deconstructionist; politically, anatomically and ecologically incorrect. I've been uplinked and downloaded, I've been inputted and outsourced. I know the upside of downsizing, I know the downside of upgrading. I'm a high-tech low life. A cutting edge, state-of-the-art, bi-coastal multi-tasker, and I can splice you a gigabyte in a nanosecond.... I'm a hot-wired, heat-seeking, warm-hearted cool customer; voice-activated, bio-degradable, and my inner child is outward-bound. I interface with my database; my database is in cyberspace; so I'm interactive, I'm hyperactive, and from time to time I'm radioactive.... Behind the eight ball, ahead of the curve, ridin' the wave, dodgin' the bullet, pushin' the envelope. I'm on point, on task, on message, and sometimes on drugs. Not only do I believe that marijuana should be legal, it should be mandatory.
I'm in the moment, on the edge, over the top, but under the radar. A raging workaholic, a working rageaholic; not in rehab but in denial. I've got a personal number, a personal computer, a personal collection and a personal agenda. You can't shut me up; you can't dumb me down cause I'm tireless, and I''m wireless. I'm an alpha-male on beta-blockers. I'm a non-believer and an over-achiever; Laid-back but fashion-forward. Up-front, down-home; low-rent, high-maintenance. Super-sized, long-lasting, high-definition, fast-acting, oven-ready and built to last. I'm a hands-on, footloose, knee-jerk head case; prematurely post-traumatic, and I have a love child who sends me hate-mail.

But I'm feeling, I'm caring, I'm healing, I'm sharing. A supportive, bonding, nurturing primary-care giver. My output is down, but my income is up. I take a short position on the long run, and my revenue stream has its own cash flow. I read junk mail, I eat junk food, I buy junk bonds, I watch trash films.
I'm a Z-list celebrity, with A-team dreams and a B-movie background. I'm gender-specific, capital-intensive, user-friendly and broadcast-safe. I like rough sex; I like tough love. I use the f-word in my e-mail and the software on my hard drive is hard-core, no soft-porn. I'm toll-free, bite-size, ready-to-wear, and I come in all sizes.... I'm a fully equipped, factory-authorized, hospital-tested, clinically proven, scientifically formulated medical miracle. I've been pre-washed, pre-cooked, pre-heated, pre-screened, pre-approved, pre-packaged, post-dated, freeze-dried, double-wrapped, vacuum-packed and... I have an unlimited broadband capacity.
I'm a rude dude, but I'm the real deal. A lean, mean, cutting machine. Cocked, locked and ready to rock; rough, tough and hard to bluff. I take it slow, I go with the flow; I ride with the tide, I've got glide in my stride. Drivin' and movin', sailin' and spinnin'; jivin' and groovin', wailin' and winnin'. I don't snooze, so I don't lose. I keep the pedal to the metal and the rubber on the road. I party hearty, and lunchtime is crunch time.... I'm hangin' in. There ain't no doubt; and I'm hangin' tough. Over and out.

More Me

What I Hear

.O.K. I shamelessly stole most of that from the jedi master George Carlin (who would probably tie my tongue to a tailpipe and drag me at 80 miles an hour naked across a field of broken glass, just for calling him a "jedi master"), but hey, the Z-list-celebrity line is mine, damit!
This is my Demo Reel. Just in case Jerry Bruckheimer or Joel Silver are watchin' HaHa.
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