T2T

On this show I see myself as the Head Chef, that’s right, the Head fucking Chef, serving up Michelin Star stupidity using only the finest ingredients known to man. The next course is a Chateau Brion of shit heads, in a delicate cock sucker coulee served on a bed of al dente prick lickers in a mouth watering mother fucker sauce, but leave room for the dessert cock suckers, it’s spotted fucking dick muncher. Mmm, I’m hungry.With my lifestyle, its important to keep my body in shape. If I don’t exercise, it makes it twice as fucking hard to smoke, booze and fight at a decent level. There’s nothing worse than breaking some cocksucker’s legs and not being able to swing the bat without puffing like a fucking steam train. But as we’re about to see, some fat fucks have got as much chance of losing weight as they have of licking their own balls.Right now, we’re gonna be looking at the ball-breaking bozos who fuck around with bikes. You know what I think is inappropriate? It’s when guys call a broad a ‘bike’. That’s not right, that’s not right at all…it should be ‘Mountain Bike’- cos, personally, when I fancy a ride, I take her straight up the dirt track. And just like a lady, a bike should be treated with respect, otherwise the only thing you’ll be screwing is a 7 inch pin through your fucking thighbone.When I was just a kid, my father found me playing with a box of matches and he taught me a valuable lesson. He said “If you play with fire, you’ll get your fingers burnt’ and true to his word, he roasted my fucking knuckles with his zippo. And here’s another lesson: if ever you see someone set fire to themselves, you’re gonna need to know how to use one of these. Simply pull the pin, aim the nozzle…then whack them over the fucking head with the thick end. Trust me, that’s gonna be a shit load better than frying to death.A little drop of Vodka there. Not too much. Now a little twist of lemon. In she goes - a little sniff of cayenne pepper, like so… Then 4.35 drops of Tabasco. One, two, three, four – point three five. Okay, now a little sprig of mint there, just to diffuse the tartness of the citrus. Now if you don’t have mint in the garden you can always use a shaving of celery. Okay, mix it all up – and this my friends is what I call a big fat stiff cock up the fucking arse with mint or celery.I fucking hate celery. Now if I’d wanted to, I could have become a professional barman, I was that fucking good. But I wasn’t encouraged at a young age to take it further. Now this next batch of clips looks at the skills and dedication required to become a police officer. Recruits should be prepared for rigorous medical examinations; hours of training and extremely unsociable hours - still interested? Sounds like the job for you? Well one other thing I forgot to mention… you’ve gotta be a fucking cock sucker!May Day Riot

Add to My Profile | More VideosOkay, right now we’re gonna take a look at hobbies. Now I got a great new hobby that I’m really getting into. I’ve started collecting rare birds eggs. Let me show you some of them… This my friends is a Harping Eagle’s egg. Isn’t that beautiful? With it’s dappled blue texture, exquisite, and priceless. These… are two Kingfisher’s eggs, look at the colouring on these, so tiny and delicate. Truly wonderful. And this, my friends, is the rarest egg I have in my collection. It’s an uneaten Easter Egg from Ann Nicole Smith’s dressing room. Fat fucking bitch! ...Fuck!3CR + SWALLOWS + CHASING CHAOS - Ashford, The Star (12th June)This matinee gig, our first venture into putting on bands really went to prove the dedication and commitment of punk bands today and in particular the three that turned up to play. 3cr made the long journey down from Manchester (and the Isle Of Wight!) . Chasing chaos put their amps and equipment on a sack barrow and dragged it all onto the train to get down here. Swallows, having had their van break down the night before went half way across London to get another one sorted out before setting off for Ashford. 11 out of 10 to all of them!It all got started about two in the afternoon, with chasing chaos up first. These 3 lads play balls out punk rock with a hint of ska throw in for good measure. They were well received by the crowd throughout their set of about an hour. If you haven seen them yet, make the effort when they play near you next, you wont be disappointed. Respect due to the whole band, especially Tim for all his hard work in helping make sure the gig ran smoothly.................................................... ............................................................ .......chasing chaos review 2005Review: No biog or website for Chasing Chaos. So by way of some filling…Back in the late 70’s early 80’s a sub genre of music flashed onto the scene . A hybrid of punk, skins and two tone which was picked up and got the approval of the weekly music rag “Sounds” - and in particular one Garry Bushell who was a hack with them at the time. This brand of in yer face, shout along terrace-punk was labelled “Oi - Oi” by Mr. B. Today you have ‘Rancid’ and a small clutch of similar bands reviving the art - enter Chasing Chaos. Having been a subscriber to “Sounds” at the time I still remember the boots, braces & spikes and the "oi Oi" chants at gigs very reminiscent of ‘Chasing Chaos’ me thinks - so you have a bit of the vibe. They have sent in a 4 track demo of their stuff, and bearing in mind that this lot are knocking out bounce-a-long yob culture, chant ska/punk I shouldn’t really be surprised that we're hearing some pretty ropey old playing through the tracks. But lets not focus on that - I mean how many punk bands can you remember that got together to write double concept albums with fellow session muso’s hmm? There are even a smattering of mistakes/outtakes on the recording which I suspect were deliberately left in, which I think adds to the charm and authenticity of this lot. I guess you would have to be a punk fan to really enjoy this rather raw demo, than a casual passer by. But don't be put off, there are loads of chant-alongs and classic shouts of “Oi Oi” & dole money references liberally thrown about - all good knock-about stuff. The tracks are ‘Common Rise’, (oi oi anyone?), ’South London Story’ ( ska’d up punk ), All gone wrong (Sham ’69, UK Subs classic punk track ), ’Men from nowhere’ ( a double-time punk classic) are all just diverse enough to hold your attention and don’t go on for too long to accentuate the slightly raw recording. Now, I know that this style of music doesn’t lend itself to being slick, complicated or anything else than what it says on the tin, but even by punk standards this is a bit ragged and in places much need of some tightening, and as a personal preference I would like to hear the vocalist/shouty-bloke try and mix it up just a bit because he's in danger of being a bit one tone - but if punk’s your bag, you won’t care about trivia like that. Having said that, I think that Chasing Chaos are a good punk prospect. a raw, energetic punk band and I would rather hear them all day long, than hear any more of the hordes of Coldplay/Keane/Snowpatrol etc clones currently doing the rounds! The Chaos boys should check out Kagnee or The Penitaitors - that I reviewed here a little while back - now that would be a good noisy old gig! Good luck lads.

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