Like minded individuals who don't take themselves too seriously. Honestly- just trying this on for a bit.
Dear Alcohol,
First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours.
As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed.
The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even
around in the holidays, hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when
we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings.
However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions.
While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel
that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:
1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is
important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance
or necessity takes place after 2 a.m.
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest
that I eat a kebab, a butter chicken curry along with a sausage with
cheese,onion and mustard (washed down with WINE &
topped off with a Kit kat after a few sweet chilli and sour cream old
dutch chips)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this
time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to
do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue
home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the
black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are
beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to
get the front door key into the lock.
4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop.
This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous
evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is
completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I
ask that, if the proper precautions are taken ie water, vitamin B, bread
products, aspirin
prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor the
hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily
activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like
to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great
stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion
when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.
In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my
grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer
no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions &
hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.
Thank you,
Your biggest fan
P.S.
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY
WHEN DRUNK:
1. Nope, no more beer for me.
2. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
3. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
4. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing
.. ..
Well behaved women rarely make history
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