Martin

What in the name of all that's Holy am I doing on Myspace?
Well, to be brutally honest, I was signed up without consent by a fellow cretin who shall not be named and shamed, Alex Norman, and my laziness dictated that I could not be bothered to get it taken down. Besides, the resident Tom must be far too busy counting the number of days before he encounters his next landmark number of gormless Interweb friends to be concerned with the real problems on Myspace. Mind you, I have already accepted the fact that I am likely to be ruthlessly stalked by the Internets by simply signing up here. So I might as well make the most of my unwanted stay here. In fact, I have even just heard of a new victim of this stalking phenomenon - within 24 hours of updating their profile they were added by 2 complete black and white infested strangers. Myspace a place for friends? Myspace cares about privacy?
I think I need to make things clear - I dislike Myspace. Well, I highly, truthfully despise the very fact it is still breathing and is alive to tell the truth. So no, I haven't suddenly developed and come to my senses that Myspace is a warm, friendly community and an asset to the Internet, because it isn't. But I am here, albeit with a cold hearted profile and without any serious intentions. But I am here - but you haven't won. I can't say I am expecting any welcoming into this hideout of depressed teenagers who deserve to be mutilated though.
Ah yes, the habitants of Myspace. So many have joined what I can only describe as the official hideout for depressed teenagers that it is baffling. Frankly, I think you will all be disappointed that I have not succumbed to the bandwagon and taken black and white photographs of myself looking neutral, at incredulously high angles. But just to clog up the Myspace farm, I did at least submit some black and white photos to feed the animals, just not the full works, however.
One thing I most certainly have not done to demorialise myself, as is a fundamental Myspace trait, however is completely clog up my profile with the senseless dross that can be found on a ridiculous amount of profiles. Seriously, if the Myspace farm is clogged up with the mammoth bulk of black and white photos, then the Myspace toilet is completely blocked, and dangerously overflowing. Someone should really hire a competent cleaner, since the daily shite that is contributed to Myspace is woefully overwhelming. Case in point - moments ago I came across a profile that was so cluttered with junk it was impossible to navigate with ease. Not only was the tripe that the individual submitted obscuring the page size, meaning that you have to scroll to the right to view the entire page, but there was unwanted videos everywhere and several poorly constructed flash games that play automatically. The videos on offer were also ample evidence of a Michael Jackson fetish.
Speaking of which, you will have noticed that my profile is devoid of any flashiness whatsoever. If there is one thing I can't stand it's people who like to prettify their profiles so that they are as unpleasing and incoherent to the eye as is physically possible. Overuse of multiple colours, custom bloody cursors and stolen code effects from easilly accessible websites are a common occurrence, which is why mine is as bland as mild cheddar cheese. And really Tom, do you think the majority of the oafs that sign up here are competent towards coding html?
Oh dear. The past few passages were supposed to be all about me weren't they? Oh what a shame - I have successfully managed to churn 5 whole paragraphs of inconsequential waffle. But what's that I hear you cry out? You really want to know about me? Well, the above will give you a pretty good idea. I can rant on about anything at all for an eternity and then just turn it into what will be regarded as waffle. Still, by having fully constructed sentences I must surely have the most well written Myspace profile in the world - no illiterate text speak here, no no. As you can plainly see I am probably not the most normal of people. I mean, I haven't joined the other teenage bandwagon and bought an iPod, and treat it like my best friend by carrying it with me everywhere I go, dangling beside my shoulder. I loathe those white deceitful demons.
See how easy that was? The slightest mention of something triggers me off into self destruct rant mode. We've already learned and established quite a lot about myself from the previous few paragraphs, so I don't think there is too much more to say. Ah yes, I missed out on things that I actually like. Erm.........pause breaker....I like chicken. And cars. And car crashes/chases. And Star Wars. And gaming. And any form of mass destruction. And insulting others that deserve it. Like Horrid Face Boy. And Horrid Face Girl. And Podgy Gentleman. And Despicable Teeth Girl. And Walking Disease. And Cancerous. And the rest of you puny mortals.
And so I leave you with one final message:
But whatever you do, do not succumb to this disgraceful tripe of a bandwagon:
Temporary inconsequential waffle.
If I do say so myself, this should be on the top spot of the Myspace hall of fame.