the lolitas

Several years ago I had the pleasure to witness the birth (and death) of one of the most extraordinary bands that ever came out of northwest Pennsylvania. They were called [name omitted] and they were by far the most depraved, amoral and viscious teenagers I had ever met. You may ask, "What does this band that I have never even heard of have to do with The Lolitas?" My answer is simple: shut yer fucking pie hole and read on, you ADD havin' moron. In the beginning there were two bands: Vlad Dolan and the Vampires and The Dick Feltersnatch trio. Occassionally, these two bands would play together. These shows were brilliant, fun was had by all and the two bands quickly became friends. Then came the fateful night when the Vampires drummer went down with with a serious case of jock itch. What was the rest of the band to do? Enter Dick Feltersnatch. Not only did Dick step up to fill the now vacant drum throne with only two days notice and no previous experience playing with the Vampires, but, like the Vampires original drummer, he also had a severe case of jock itch. However, unlike the Vampires original drummer, Dick was willing to play throught the pain. The show was a (relative) success and ended with a totally unwarranted encore. However, the band displayed a majic that, at least in this audience member's eyes, was missing from their original bands. I believe both VD and Dick saw this too. They quickly began dating. A week later they realised that they should probably just form a band because A) they both loved playing music with each other and B) they were both straight. [Name omitted] was then formed with original Vampires guitar abuser Dave Potato and DF Trio bassist extradinaire Handsome-Yet-Flatulent Erik. What followed was something that was, in the beginning, truly special and, in the end, unavoidably tragic. [Name omitted]'s time was cut short due to laziness, paranoia and frustration. Dave Potato was the first to see the writing on the wall and left only four months after the band began. The band soldiered on without him and released a not very sought after single which was followed by a not very well attended cross country tour. After a brief stay in Columbus, the band called it quits amidst a storm of acrimonious finger pointing and tears. Dick went on to reform the Dick Feltersnatch Trio and travelled the world. Dave Potato died in October of 2003 due to a tragic apple-bobbing accident. Erik posed for Playgirl in 2004, had an operation, and then posed for Playboy in 2005. I could be wrong but I think he/she is the first person to do this. Vlad became a street musician/criminal/ student until an early 2005 bout of agoraphobia forced him to barricade himself inside his room with only 1 record (by the Oblivians) and 1 book (by Nabokov) for company. He stayed there for six months until Dick Feltersnatch, whom VD had not spoken to for three years, was able to coax him from his sanctuary with a piece of homemade pancetta. After eating the salty and delicious pork product, Vlad realised that he was not agoraphobic as he had previously thought: he simply hated his roomates. The two laughed and then went shopping for matching Speedos. They realised that they were big enough to overlook the petty arguments that had torn [name omitted] asunder...especially Vlad, he's over six feet tall. While sharing a dressing room they decided to start another band. That band is called the Lolitas. Play loud and enjoy. Kinesivic,2006