"Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy."
"Days get shorter and shorter, nights longer and longer, before you know it, your life is just one long night with a few comatose daylight hours."
"I don't care how liberated this world becomes - a man will always be judged by the amount of alcohol he can consume - and a woman will be impressed, whether she likes it or not..."
If you don't know anything about me, this prolly won't help a hell of a lot...
1) Is there anybody you just wish would fall off the planet?
Fucking Carrot-top. I hate that sonofabitch.
2) How do you flush the toilet in public?
I wrap the handle with shrink-wrap plastic and then pull it with my teeth.
3) Do you wear your seatbelt in the car?
Only during high-speed chases involving multiple government agencies. I wouldn't want to get a ticket, now would I?
4) Do you have a crush on someone?
Chuck Norris. He's the only man who can slam a revolving door...
5) Name one thing you worry about running out of.
Teddy bear stickers. I lose sleep over those...
6) What famous person do you (or other people) think you resemble?
Wesley Snipes.
7) What is your favorite pizza topping?
Vaginal discharge. With cheese.
8) Do you crack your knuckles?
I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to divulge that information on an un-secured server. So go fuck yourself.
9) What song do you hate the most?
Fuuuck. That one that fucking Parriot plays every goddamn night with the whole clappy-hands-slide-to-the-left-criss-cross bullshit trying to tell drunk white boys how to dance.
10) Did just mentioning that song make it get stuck in your head?
Just a little. You fucker. I'll cripple you for this...
11) What are your super powers?
I can dress like all four Village People. At the same time...
12) Peppermint or spearmint?
How about just mint?
13) Where are your car keys?
Fuck you. Where are YOUR goddamn car keys you uppity sonofabitch?
14) Whose answers to this questionnaire do you want to hear?
Hulk Hogan. Or maybe Hillary Swank 'cause her last name is cool... And she gets beaten to death pretty well... That's always a desirable trait.
15) What's your most annoying habit?
Spontaneously combusting. I hate that shit...
16) Where did you last go on vacation?
Auschwitz.
17) What is your best physical feature?
My super-bendy thumb.
18) What CD is closest to you right now?
The Diablo 2 play disc. Although I guess that's a CD-ROM, so perhaps I've failed you all on this one. Send me pity-money.
19) What 3 things can always be found in your refrigerator?
A light bulb, body parts, and there's a budweiser that's been in there since the dawn of my lease agreement.
20) What superstition do you believe/practice?
Drinking through my mouth.
21) What color are your bed sheets?
Burgandy with the occational white spot... Hmm... Maybe it's time to get those dry-cleaned...
22) Would you rather be a fish or a bird?
Holy Jesus, what are these goddamn animals?
23) Do you talk on your cell phone when you drive?
Only while describing the wreck that is about to ensue...
24) what are your favorite sayings?
Get back in the tub you weird fucker! I'll plunge this into your goddamn throat! I am Ahab!
25) What song(s) do you sing most often in the shower?
My shower is in an air-tight acoustically devoid vaccum, so I try to not waste my oxygen supply on frivolous things like singing thank you very much.
26) If you could go back or forward in time, where would you go?
I'd like to go back and rub one out into the so-called 'primordial ooze'. That could have lasting and dramatic effects...
27) What is your favorite Harrison Ford movie?
Clerks. Oh, wait...
28) What CD is in your stereo?
I don't have a stereo... That fucking Travelocity 'Roaming Gnome' motherfucker stole it right out of my apartment. That little bastard is gonna pay... Just you wait.
29) What CD will be in your stereo in a few minutes?
See previous entry.
30) How many kids do you plan on having?
I think the confirmed world record is like, 64 or something ridiculous like that, so I'm gonna go for 81. No one will ever beat me. Actually, that sounds really expensive. Not to mention a bit unrealistic... Hmm. I'll have to put some more thought into this...
31) If you could kiss anyone who would it be?
Wynona Rider's shoplifting accomplice.
32) What do you do when no one is watching?
The same thing we do every night Pinky. Try to take over the world.
33) If they made a movie about your life, what actor/actress would be you?
Diana Ross.
34) Would you rather die in a blaze of glory or peacefully in your sleep?
Although difficult, doing both would be really cool.
35) Coffee or Tea?
Why is scotch not an option?
36 )Favorite musician(s)/bands you've seen in concert?
TOOL. And Isis was really good, too... Oh yeah, and James Brown was fucking sweet shit...
37) Have you ever been in love?
I once met an albino spider monkey in the african congo... We had a short but steamy relationship that inevitably ended in tears... She was the one that got away...
38) Do you talk to yourself?
Only when other people are around and it will be funny if they notice...
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