WELCOME TO MY WORLD.
I explore my pain and my pleasure.
I expose my process of self-examination and transformation.
I face nerve-wracking mistakes and cherished successes.
Doing so, I become empowered.
I strip away the layers of denial.
I refuse to live anything but my AUTHENTIC LIFE.
This is me connecting to my truth.
This is how I speak, how I think, how I love.
This is how I push away the pathology I was raised into... and am surrounded by...
Life is changing very quickly in the 21st century.
Those willing to adapt just might survive...
At first I thought I'd be blogging only about orgasms. A subject I've been obsessed with and a subject many others are secretly and not so secretly obsessed with as well. It's easy to spoon out graphic juice that makes unconscious dogs salivate? But that's not why I'm here. Like Peter Guber said on SHOOT OUT, "People weren't into the movie Kinsey because intellectual sex make the masses squeamish, especially if it's not erotic in the transmission." (Not an exact quote.)
Since I'm not in a space where I'm freely exploring as I once did, nor am I partnered up yet with my potential, I've expanded the reach of my focus. NOW I'm much more CONSCIOUS and for the most part sober as I prepare my stories about that zealous search for the BIG O.
Well, I found it!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From the very first time I rolled up my little hot-pink flannel happy face pillow, laid on top of it, and discovered humping... I knew I'd found something my mama never told me about. The older I got the more I learned I was supposed to hide such revelations. It wasn't proper. Nice girls didn't. All that hogwash. In my early years I knew it felt good, but I also felt frustrated when I did it. I was ashamed, embarressed, confused why I liked what I couldn't talk about. Then when I heard about the "orgasm", I thought it was poisonous, because like mercury, every time I tried to have one, it slipped away.
By the age of nineteen, I knew I wanted to write about sex. Almost right away I realized that even when I had a negative experience, a part of me felt more connected to myself; more balanced, centered, and deeply alive. I might be in conflict with the person I'd been with, but there was a stabilizing influence that my sexuality had on me. Yet, when I listened to the outside world and what I was supposed to be, I felt all skewered inside.My friend Tasha who first read my astrology chart in 1983 recently wrote, "Sexual activity comes naturally to you. It brings you blessings and transformation. Sometimes in unusual ways. Mars Mercury Jupiter and the Sun in Sagittarius in the eighth house are all opposed to your Moon in Gemini in the second house. As well, they are squared to Pluto in the 5th house of romantic love. Interesting combination. It too is squared to your Moon, so your dear little inner self has lots of conflicts around sex while eagerly running after it. Sound familiar? Hey it's all grist for the mill and every stumbling block square is intended to be polished into a stepping stone of spiritual progress. You are doing it, my dear, and make no mistake, you are climbing along just fine. Creativity is KEY to your conversion of stumbling to stepping. You Go Girl. I look forward to the day I can tune in to Oprah and see you on TV."
The orgasm unites me. Unconscious and subconscious parts rise to the surface and become conscious when I pay attention and respect the process. When I studied Political Psychology at UC Berkeley in the early 80s, I thought "Pluralistic Ignorance" and "Conflict Resolution" would be the key words in my future career. I'd been voted "Most Likely to Succeed" in both junior and senior high school. I copped out on Conflict Resolution grad school at Yale because at that time I said, "I can't resolve my own conflicts, what makes me think I can resolve anybody else's?" (I didn't want to take anymore tests!) Then when I realized that what I most wanted to succeed in was the orgasm, I thought if my parents didn't kill me, maybe the feminists would.
One of the first poems I ever wrote was about the knot in my stomach and how the harder I tried to untie it, the tighter the knot became. I've struggled all these years. Recently, with the help of a therapist, and a friend who does Cell Regeneration, and two friends of mine who study astrology: I've FINALLY untied my knots. Now I'm straightening out my strings.
I lived the search for the BIG O and I found the BIG O. All these years I've been a diary writer, obsessively trying to (give myself permission) record what I've wanted and what I've learned. At first I spoke in code. Then forever I was confused by the decision whether to make my words fiction or keep the truth humming and claim it as my own.
I know what's possible between a man and a woman. I know how to make the dynamic work. There is a way to bring great sex into a relationship and keep it alive... Common sense secrets are involved. The part of me I was most embarrassed about, is the part of me that comforts the dying, and eases the pain of birth. It is nothing to be ashamed of and it's taken me 47 years to learn this. I hope I live another 50 years so I can calmly transform the words I've already received into pieces that will peacefully heal others.
There are conscious men out there quite alive and thriving, men who secretly live to please their women. Some men even aren't so secretive about it. Some women don't take advantage of this ardent devotion and use the love received only to deepen their capacity to radiate healing and beauty.
I seek ultimate honesty, soulfullness, connectedness...
WELCOME TO MY WORLD... ..
..
leaseaguest
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