I once hit a man with a hamburger because he thought he was the best. "You ain't the best". I like to tell people they smell like spaghetti when in fact they usually smell like chicken soup. I destroyed ancient Canada. I made a sailboat and filled it with ham to send to refugees. Refugees don't appreciate my sailboats full of ham. I ate your father-in-law. You didn't know you had one. That's because I ate him. I told Moses that I was tired of his bullshit. That's why he crossed the Red Sea. Bhudda prays to me. I don't listen. I once paid for an ice cream bar with a box full of muffins. I hate bananna nuts. They aren't an actual fruit, nor a nut. I on the other hand have two. And on the first hand, one. I made strawberries just so Tallulah Bankhead could have a plot device on "I love Lucy". I am the reason Brad broke up with Jen. I am Angelina Jolie. I made love to a squid so I could refill my pen. I have seven children, all of them named Millie.
Enough about me...
My dad:
Has taken chill pills (to maximum effect)
Told Storm from the X-Men that her mid-eighties Mohawk was shit which he intentionally did to signal the Age of Apocalypse
Will crush your dreams
Was delivered in extreme conditions
Took a dump and wiped his ass, later to discover that a young man named Pablo Picasso found these giant sheets of wood and stained glass and made a living selling them as his own.
Pretended that a spoon with food on it was a jet so infant God could eat his din-din
Uses Scotch tape
Killed J.R.
Wrote the song Bette Davis eyes for Pat Benatar, not whoever sang the radio version
Is 50 years old (he loves it, he loves it, HE LOVES IT)
Doesn't give a fuck about shit
Regularly fucks a buncha bullshit
Invented the word "dilligent"
Is mustachioed
Was trying to make snow angels on his 40th birthday and the wind from that momentous event caused hurricane Katrina ten years later
My dads birthday is July 1st (see above)
Is logical
Likes to listen to my neighbors blast "Long ago and far away" by Led Zeppelin
Thinks the aforementioned neighbors might be tone def
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