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Let's see - I paid off my second instalment and I look and sound like John Safran. I'm not romantic and I'm still youthful. Oh, and I like debating. And good cooks.
Have the gold-diggers gone yet? Good.
What's there to tell? The above statements are true. Is tall, dark, handsome (ha!), but nothing to suggest any hint of 'the one'. Has positively hundreds of nicknames, epithets, monikers and callsigns - namely T-Dog, T-Bizzle, Wheels, Wheel-Dog, Wheel-Daddy, Wheely-Bin, John Safran The Second, the Defendant (Judge Schneider calls me that - can't imagine why), Dad, Squealan (some speak from experience), Dong, Donkey, Simpson (and his Donkey), Zookeeper and 'the guy with the Pet Iguana' - the last five of which spell out my stupendous knob in no uncertain terms but fail to reveal the charming, sensitive personality beneath (which many are willing to overlook, to my annoyance). Owns a segment on college assemblies where he reads poems and impersonates someone important. Likes long walks on beaches, vanilla ice-cream, beating Shore, people with low standards, GPS aths, empty compliments, Harrison Checkley's skill at skits, Shane Watson, unwavering loyalty to shithouse cricketers, Extension English, Rowan Atkinson, ironic twists, poetic justice (don't open your purse if it ain't in verse) and testy-pops from others. Dislikes Extension History, Tim Richmond, the aforementioned's body hair (a separate entity?), being called shallow, own testy-pops, blow-up dolls, lowies (kindled by Fennel), formal videos, retellings of formal afters, IT departments, coffee, coffee without sugar, coffee without morphine, a world without the 1st XV, unabused bogans, PJs, inhibitions and peroxide.Now, about you. Uh - do you like chicken? I know, it's a shithouse effort. Why not leave a comment and make my job easier? There's a thought.
*The New and Improved Ultimate About Me*:
Basics:
Name: Tim Whelan
Date of Birth: 19-06-1990
Birthplace: A little log cabin
Current Location: Goulburn
Eye Color: Hazel
Hair Color: Washed or unwashed?
Height: 6' 2"
Heritage: Malta/Armenia/Ireland - give me that Eurovision trophy
Piercings: Heart, Soul, Gut
Tattoos: Na-uh
Favourite:
Band/Singer: Robbie Williams. Guns down.
Song: Imperial Death March
Movie: Amadeus
Disney Movie: Lion King
TV show: The Drew Carey Show
Color: Whatever doesn't sound racist
Food: Any slow, careless animal
Pizza topping: Margarita
Ice-Cream Flavor: Anything but Green Tea.....bloody Baskin Robbins
Drink (alcoholic): Ask my wallet
Soda: Lift
Store: Budget K-Mart
Clothing Brand: Whoever makes sackcloth
Shoe Brand: Likewise, Jandals
Season: The one that Jesus is the reason for....Chinese New Year?
Month: June
Holiday/Festival: Father's Day........
Flower: Pansy
Make-Up Item: Paper bag
Board game: Monopoly
This or That
Sunny or rainy: Goulburn. What do YOU think?
Chocolate or vanilla: What kind of name's Chocolate Ice?
Fruit or veggie: Melons won me over
Night or day: Night
Sour or sweet: Chinese pork doesn't have to choose, and neither should I
Love or money: If you're any good with either, you should be getting both
Phone or in person: Phone. What am I, courageous?
Looks or personality: I'm banking on personality
Coffee or tea: Until they make a Devonshire coffee, it's tea
Hot or cold: Depends where you ask me
Your:
Goal for this year: Darren Lockyer's one against the Titans
Most missed memory: McDonald's parties
Best physical feature: 16 yet?
First thought waking up: "So, what's your name?"
Hypothetical personality disorder: Just plain nuts
Preferred type of plastic surgery: Pectoral
Sesame street alter ego: Bert
Fairytale alter ego: John Safran
Most stupid remark: What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection? A quarter pounder with cheese.
Worst crime: Retelling the above
Greatest ambition: To employ you
Greatest fear: To work for you
Darkest secret: The fact I tell dark secrets on MySpace
Favorite subject: Englsih Extenshun Wun
Strangest received gift: Also the most loving....my partner, Elle
Worst habit: Playing with my gum
Do You:
Smoke: Such a drag
Drink: Nah. You believe me, don't you?
Curse: Is it still funny to say 'Fuck no'?
Shower daily: One water, three golden
Like thunderstorms: Boom boom
Dance in the rain: Living in Goulburn, I just dance
Sing: Uh-uh
Play an instrument: I've moved on in my tuning career
Get along with your parents: Thankfully
Wish on stars: Doesn't that hurt?
Believe in fate: I was meant to answer this
Believe in love at first sight: If the price is right
Can You:
Drive: Like an old woman
Sew: Yeah. Sew?
Cook: Ball's in your court
Speak another language: Que?
Dance: It's all in the hips
Sing: No. Thanks, Singstar.
Touch your nose with your tongue: Surprisingly
Whistle: Pretend to
Curl your tongue: Amazingly
Have You Ever:
Been Drunk: No. Ok, I failed Drama for a reason.
Been Stoned: If it's good enough for martyrs...
Eaten Sushi: Never
Been in Love: There but for the grace of God, go I.
Skipped school: I want to go to Heaven, you see
Made prank calls: Not since Hugh Jarse sued me for stalking
Sent someone a love letter: Yes! Next week I move onto love words
Stolen something: Pride
Cried yourself to sleep: Only on tape
Other Questions:
What annoys you most in a person? Awkward questioning
Are you right or left handed? Southpaw
What is your bedtime? Bed....or sleep? Giggity giggity.
Name three things you can't live without: Three of my typing fingers
What is the color of your room? White, until the affirmative action laws kick in
Do you have any siblings? Just the one
Do you have any pets? Not anymore
Would you kill someone you hate for a million dollars? Sure? I normally do $10,000 a hit
What is you middle name? Danger. Nah, John
What are you nicknames? See 'About me' - lines 17-76
Are you for or against gay marriage? I'll ask my husband
What are your thoughts ..ion? Dunno - wasn't enough for you
Do you have a crush on anyone? It's not much fun
Are you afraid of the dark? Yes. It's why my myspace is black.
How do you want to die? Of happiness
What is the largest amount of popsicles that you have eaten on one day? We've covered life, death, God, the universe.......oh hey! Popsicles!
Would you take a bullet for the one you love? I'd take her gun, as well
What is the last law you’ve broken? Disturbing the peace
In a Member of the Opposite Sex:
Hair color: Brown?
Eye color: I don't discriminate
Height Lofty
Weight My standards vary if you cook
Most important physical feature: Head's a good start
Biggest turn-off Being a humourless gorgon
Take this survey or other MySpace Surveys at PimpSurveys.com
How to make a Whelan
Ingredients:
5 teaspoons bitterness
5 cups of shit puns
3 doses of Viagra
Three eyebrow hairs
A pinch of modesty
Method:
1. Tell Jamie Oliver to get fucked. You can cook a Whelan all by yourself.
2. Mix in large, wooden bowl. Why wooden? Because.
3a. Realize you didn't use an electric mixer, like the packet said. Hope for the best.
3b. Unload into tray and into preheated oven. You did preheat it, didn't you? Deadshit.
4. Wait half hour and withdraw gooey mess from oven.
5. Act disgusted when someone walks in.
6. Sneak away to Royal North Shore Hospital.
7. Dump the gooey mess in the nearest maternity ward - let them sort it out.
8. Run home, covering your tracks.
9. Give up and order pizza.
10. Ring up Jamie Oliver and apologize.
11. Wait 17 years for the 'gooey mess' to tell the truth behind his birth - on MySpace.
Username:
Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com