If this is wrong, then I don't want to be right:
Some things you probably didn't know about me:
1. I was born with no taste buds. As such, my original parents gave me up for adoption when I was a baby because of my horrible deformity. I always wondered why my parents had almost no pictures of me when I was little - and the ones they did have showed some baby (that doesn't look like me at all) with some older people I only kinda recognize. To this day, my current parents won't admit that I'm adopted, and I've since stopped pressing the issue because, afterall, it doesn't really matter. I have 4 wonderful parents that kick so much ass in their own personal ways that there's not enough space to write about it here. Fortunately, my taste buds developed when I was about three years old, and as a result of all this, I still can't watch Joe Dirt.
2. I cast the deciding vote that changed my elementary school mascot from whatever it was to the "Aloha Park Disco Ducks" My vote was overturned by the school staff the following year, even though I was quite influential in my school due to the fact that I held several school athletic records (I was one fast little mofo). That same year, I also won the shoe-toss from the big-kid swingsets, beating several older kids in my school. These and many other records lasted for over 20 years until they finally took the record-board down because I guess the staff decided that actual grades and/or competition were bad for a child's development. They now just hand out scratch-n-sniff and those vinyl puffy stickers instead of grades. I never quite got over that and haven't voted or liked stickers since. My elementary school is now the "Aloha Park Panthers"
3. In 6th grade, my dentist discovered that my adult teeth weren't pushing my baby teeth out of the way. As a result, I had all but my 4-front top and 4-front bottom teeth pulled. Eating was a bitch until my adult teeth grew in by themselves unobstructed by the tightly-clinging baby teeth. Ask my sister - the same thing happened to her and it blew.
4. I was the person who coined the expression / salutation "Happy Friday."
5. I can't eat candy-corn due to a Halloween mishap I had as a little kid. I can't eat sushi for the same reason.
6. After years of hounding Bank of America, they finally made me a credit-card-sized checkbook register so that we all didn't have to carry around that awkwardly long checkbook register / wallet ever again. Of course, they disguised it as a "Debit Card Record Book" and included a little slot to carry your Debit Card, but I know the truth. No I didn't get anything from Bank of America by coming up with such a sweet idea, but when I visit the bank in person, I strut around like I own the place.
7. I have backups of almost everything I like, and it kills me when I can't have backups of other stuff. I would have 3 of the same car in the same color if I could afford it. I also can't waste food. I don't have time to get into either of these right now.
8. I watched every episode of The X-Files without missing a single show - for the entire time the show was on the air. I'm not sure if I'm proud of that or not.
9. I almost died 3 times in a matter of a few weeks - twice because of some shifty illness I have/had, and once because some punks tried to car-jack me and a friend. We let those pole-hugging wannabe gangbangers chase us right to the downtown police headquarters. Fortunately they didn't shoot us, and sorry for not telling you that the guy had a gun, Ben...
10. I usually don't wear any clothes that are brown, except when I wear my brown hiking boots - which is not very often. That also means that I can't wear my favorite Jimi Hendrix T-shirt very often.
11. During a college class I took just for fun, I was responsible for a research project for a pizza place that sold 2 new types of pizza: (1) a pizza with 2 layers for additional toppings, and (2) a pizza with cheese in the crust. To test the idea, I convinced a friend of mine who ran a local pizza place (More Than Pizza / Pesto's) to try both recipies. He never trademarked or patented the idea, and later that summer, both Pizza hut and Domino's came out with strikingly similar items. My friend's pizza place went bankrupt by the fall but I got an A in the class.
12. I got lost as a child in Enid, Oklahoma, when my family was visiting relatives. After wandering the streets for hours, a woman snatched me off the street and tried to calm me down by giving me this really cool plastic truck and the biggest chocolate chip cookies I've ever seen. That woman was Mrs. Sinclair of the Sinclair Oil family. I never thanked her for returning me to my family - and I'm not sure if she's alive or dead. Since that day, I've always liked plastic trucks and chocolate chip cookies. Mrs. Sinclair, if you're out there, thanks a bunch - and I'm okay.
13. When I was eight years old, I got horribly sick and was bed-ridden for several days. I spent much of that time in and out of consiousness due to an extremely high fever brought on by a rare flu strain that hadn't yet been seen in the Pacific Northwest. On one of those days, my dad gave me a thermometer to check my temperature. He left the room to get me a glass of water, and when he came back, the thermometer was missing from my mouth and I was unconscious. My father frantically tried to wake me and as I writhed around in pain, blood and tiny bits of glass dripped from the edges of my mouth. His worst fears were confirmed: I had chewed up and swallowed the mercury thermometer. I don't remember much else, but back to the hospital we went. Everybody who hears this story always responds with "Ohhhhhhhhh - that explains a *lot*." I'm not entirely sure what that's supposed to mean.
14. I've never been stung by a bee. Of course, I probably just jinxed myself by telling you this.
15. People who have known me for awhile know that I can't give foot massages due to a very specific and somewhat disturbing reason. Those of you who have received a foot massage from me know exactly what I'm talking about. For the last time, I can't give you a foot massage, and I really *really* can't tell you why...
16. An overwhelming majority of my ex-girlfriends end up marrying the next guy they date. I know this sounds a lot like a movie that was out recently but in my case this is absolutely true. I'm not quite sure what that says about me, but I made a quick-reference card diagramming the whole scenario - and I laminated it for safe-keeping. So far this has not worked to my advantage in any possible way.
17. Long ago, my father gave me his acoustic guitar. It was this worn-out brown thing with a suspiciously large hole near the base. Even though the hole was duct-taped shut, the guitar actually sounded pretty good. I spent a lot of time plucking at the strings, and then in 2nd grade I started taking formal guitar classes. As it turns out, I was really *really* good. Unfortunately, I also stopped learning guitar in 2nd grade and haven't learned a damn thing since. To this day, my dad won't tell me exactly how that hole got there...
18. While attending the U of A, I was the first one to come up with the theory that no emerging technology will be successful unless it can be adapted in some way to the porn industry. My professor felt that my research paper was completely inappropriate, but I defended my theory with such tenacity that he was left with no other choice but to accept my research and give me a passing grade. Later theories suggested that porn is merely *one* indicator of a technology's success, and not the sole reason. I still stand behind my original theory.
19. I have never - EVER - liked paper clips. Ben thinks that this is hilarious.
20. I can drink 3 gallons of ice tea in one sitting, and I can probably eat more pizza than you can - although neither of these activities is ever advisable. Together, however, they spell certain disaster.
21. On December 5th, 2008 I became afflicted with an extremely rare condition known in the medical community as BRS. Although doctors are unsure of this rare syndrome's origins, it has been suggested that BRS - or Breakdancing Retard Syndrome - is actually transferable from one's dreams to reality through potential overconsumption of either caffeine, chicken caesar salad, or both. While initial reports of this crippling disease are troubling, doctors have assured me for now that this condition is not fatal and may actually improve over time. I am the only known subject in the world with this disease, however, so the data is limited. With the help of my friends and family, I hope one day to rise above my condition and function normally again within society. I can only ask for your support and that you please continue to see me not as my handicap, but simply as a human being...
(Note: this list subject to change without notice)
