HI! My name is Erik Jacobson and I hate every human being on earth (yes, I hate you. Very much). But I'm sure that's not what you wanted to read (you dick), so here's an alternate description that you can read to make yourself feel warm and fuzzy inside:
I am an advanced model robotic hooker from Japan who was (or will be, depending on your perspective) manufactured 15,000 years in the future. You wouldn't think Japan exists in 15,000 years, but trust, me, it does... I know, I'm from the future. Anyway, an unfortunate glitch in my programming resulted in my accidentally murdering a busload full of nuns with my indestructible and inhumanly strong robotic hands and stringing their entrails around the outside of the bus as decoration. Upon recieving a full commendation for services rendered to the emperor for such a brave and glorious deed, I began my brief but illustrious career as a politican. After serving three consecutive terms as secretary of boondacklery, I decided to retire from public life.... however, unbeknownst to me, my arch enemy ROBO-SEAN PAUL 5000 had other plans....
ROBO-SEAN PAUL 5000 hated me because he had planned to be the most famous robotic hooker on earth, and also because for some fucked-up reason he liked nuns. He somehow implanted me with a virus that used my circuitry to broadcast my exploits as a hooker directly to his ROBO-FORTRESS. There he recorded every minute of my sexual escapades, and bided his time, waiting....
Once he had footage of me performing sexual services for every human being on the planet, ROBO-SEAN PAUL 5000 decided to proceed with his master plan. He individually broadcasted each video recording to the john's respective spouse, resulting in the entire population of the world becoming furious at the same time and chasing me with household instruments such as kitchen knives, shoes, and Flapulurms (you don't know what those are yet, but trust me in 15,000 years you won't be able to live without one). Frantically, I took stock of the situation and formulated a course of action...
Using the weaponry at my disposal (all robot hookers are equipped with robo-pimp subroutines) I proceeded to fight my way to ROBO-SEAN PAUL 5000's stronghold, blasting and smashing and throwing and squishing chunks of angry civilians with my robotic armaments along the way. These armaments consisted mainly of a pumpkin, three rolls of paper towels, and a pair of shoelaces - there were very few survivors. Wave after wave of betrayed and angry lovers fell by my remorseless metal hands. It was a lot like an episode of Jerry Springer, except they didnt cut to the crowd everytime someone got hit. And except for all the robots and the killing and the blood.
Once I reached the stronghold, I had sustained moderate damage and was down to my last roll of paper towels. I had to think fast. I stormed into ROBO-SEAN PAUL 5000's inner sanctum for the final confrontation.
"ROBO-SEAN PAUL 5000! You bastard! You'll pay for this!" I vocally synthesized.
"ABBEE DA BOBBA DA BO SEEEEAN PAUUUULLUH" He responded venomously.
"NEVER! I won't be defeated this easily, fool!" I spat as I pushed past him to his control room - there had to be an escape somewhere and there were legions of angry spouses hot on my trail! And there, just as I was about to activate my self destruct mechanism (which is located in my pants), I spotted it! ROBO-SEAN PAUL 5000's prototype time machine! There was no time to delay, I activated it and stepped into the time travel pad...
...Just as I was about to make my escape, ROBO-SEAN PAUL 5000 shrieked in fury and leapt at me! The time travel machine engaged at the same instant and we were flung thousands of years backwards into the time you now consider the present! So, that's the story of my arrival in your time frame, and also the story of that Sean Paul guy who pretends he's a jamaican rapper but as you can see, he's really just a disgruntled robot hooker.
Oh and also, if you're a woman and you read this far, you should totally have sex with me.
