About Me
I fucking love you and miss you, buddy. I can't wait to see you again.
Tall, medium, white
Friendly and outgoing
Admittedly witty and funny
Musically inclined
Open-Minded and easy going
What I like to do:
Weapon of choice:
I currently play a bunch of instruments in this band:
Add them (and me) for a good time.
Things that annoy the shit out of me:
In Music
-Rhyming of "girl" with "world"
-Rhyming of "fly" with "high" and "sky"
-How today's rap has gotten completely cliche and unoriginal. (Almost) every damn rap song on the radio today is singing about goin to da club ridin on 22's (that spin) drinkin Crys and Henessey hollerin at shawdys and baby girls sportin my white tee with my grill gleamin. I should make that a song. I'd be a fucking millionaire.
-Sean Paul
-The Ying Yang twins - If you don't believe me that they are the two stupidest people breathing, watch their episode of MTV's Cribs.
-I'm Bossy - Okay, first off, this song just sucks. And do we really need songs teaching young girls that it's cool to be a bitch? I think whoever wrote the song needs to be
1.) beat
2.) forced to rewrite the song, teaching something positive and important, such as dental hygiene. Hell, I'll even write the lyrics for it.
(Sung to the tune of Bossy)
I'm flossin'
I'm helpin rid my mouth of plaque
That's right, I get in between the gums
And I brush the teeth firm, but not too hard
And that's right, I rinse with water that's warm
-Gwen Stefani - I just don't understand what all the hype around Gwen Stefani is. I mean, his music with No Doubt was decent, but his solo shit is just fucking terrible. And he's really not that hot. He kinda looks like a girl.
-The Cupid Shuffle - There's this little game I like to play while I'm driving in my car, wherein, if a song comes on that I can't stand, I like to see how long I can listen to it before I absolutely have to change the channel. I can actually get about halfway through a Sean Paul song. After about 11 seconds of the Cupid Shuffle, however, I so badly want to punch my radio through the dashboard and into the engine, that I'm forced to forfeit the game. The song's only saving grace is that it's so easy to make fun of, and if you've known me for more than 5 minutes, you've probably heard me at one time or another singing, "Brown brown poo ya pants, poo ya pants." Take that, Cupid!
Myspace
-People and bands that want 9875982265 friends so they go through and randomly add anything that exists. Myspace isn't a pissing contest.
-The bulletins that give me bad luck, make someone close to me get in a car wreck, and cause me to have no sex for like 23 years. If only I had reposted, like I was warned, I would have found $20 and the person I was crushing on would have called me in the next 15 minutes.
-People that bitch about not being on/being taken off of people's top 8. If you're really THAT upset about not being one of the 8 most important people on someone's website, you need to be hit in or around the face. There are fucking children starving.
Restaurant/Fast food
-When you go to any fine fast food establishment and ask for, say, a bacon cheese burger with only mayonnaise and ketchup.
What do you get? Bun/burger/mayo/ketchup/bun.
Cheese?
Bacon?
"But you said you only wanted mayo and ketchup."
No, I said I wanted a bacon cheeseburger with only mayo and ketchup. If I had wanted this, don't you think I would have asked for a hamburger with mayo and ketchup? Actually, using your flawed logic, you should have given me foil with mayonaisse and ketchup wrapped in it. Douche.
-Bad tippers
-Bad servers
-Jack in the Box's shake machine - First of all, do these actually exist? How many times have you gone to Jack in the Box and asked for a shake and the machine wasn't "broken"? I think it's a damn conspiracy. If not, then I think I should become certified in shake machine repair. I'll have more work than I could ever ask for.
Stupid things people say
-"Same Difference" - just, no. Say "same thing" or "no difference." Or don't speak at all, even. If you REALLY want to sound stupid, say "It's the same difference."
-"It's so weird! I hate tomatoes, but I love ketchup!" - No shit, idiot. That's because they taste absolutely nothing alike.
-"Whatever happens in (insert current spring break location), stays in (insert current spring break location)." What a funny coincedence, because whatever I happen to stab you with after hearing you say this, stays in wherever I happened to stab you.
-"I'm fixin' to" - you're fixing what? Fix your fucking grammar. Geez.
-"I done did that" - this is worse than a double negative and I will fight you.
-"I seen it over there" - **bows head, closes eyes, and shakes head slowly**
-"I'm bringing sexy back" -
1.) Sexy never left
2.) No, you aren't
As for the people that I usually hear proclaiming this, a more appropriate line might be
"I'm bringing fugly back"
"I'm bringing whorey back"
"I'm bringing herpes back"
though unfortunately, those never left either.
-"...and so on and so forth" - I have always hated this. "And so on" is all that is necessary in any situation. Anything beyond that and you're just breathing on me when you don't need to be.
-"Pet peeve" - This is another saying that I've always hated. Who the hell came up with this? The word "pet" is used to denote something pleasant or a favorite. A peeve is an annoyance. So pet peeve literally means your favorite thing that you don't like. What the fuck? Just say "Man, I really hate _____." Done. Oh, and anyone that comes up to me and says "LOL, so "pet peeve" is a pet peeve of yours?!" will receive a swift punch to the face.
-"I need to itch my scratch" - Somebody needs to ass your beat.
Stupid things people do
-"Hey, you have a hole in your shirt" (sticks finger in hole and moves it around) - Thank you, shithead. I used to have a tiny hole in my shirt until you and 10 other jackasses decided to bring it to my attention, then proceed to make it bigger. I also don't recall inviting you to touch me.
-Piss on the toilet seat - Look, I know that you feel productive already since you dragged your lazy ass out of bed and actually left the house, and I know that it's asking a lot of you to take your shoe and lift the toilet seat, but if you're ever going to pass that G.E.D. test and get hired at McDonald's, you're going to have to start showing some initiative. People should be able to use the restroom after you without having to look at/clean up your waste. Also, why the hell is your piss yellow-orange? Drink some damn water and go to the doctor. Asshole.
Driving
-The asshole. Yeah, that guy. You're at a 4 way intersection during rush hour. You've got the light that stays green for ten seconds, but it's red right now. The traffic going perpindicular to you is backed up to the intersection. Then the asshole goes. Fucking BLOCKS the intersection. Your light turns green, but you can't go, because this douchebag decided he would spend his "red light time" in the middle of the intersection instead of behind his little white line. And he won't look you in the face either. No, he just looks straight ahead like it's traffic's fault. Fuck that. Ram that son of a bitch. Technically, he's in the wrong, right?
-Now I've come to terms with the fact that gasoline now costs as much per gallon as milk does. That doesn't bother me anymore. This is what pisses me off. I go into the gas station and prepay my $10 of gas I'm purchasing ($15 if I'm ballin'). I go back out, pick my grade (superunleadedcheapest), and begin to pump. The gasoline shoots like an elephant pissing a waterfall into my car. The way it should be, right? Until it hits about $9.75. I feel a thump. From this moment on, Racetrack employs ants to carry the gasoline one particle at a time from the pump into my tank, making me sit in the Louisiana ass heat for an extra minute and 37 seconds. Damn you, Racetrack. You're lucky your gas is 6 cents cheaper!
-People who text while driving - Okay, I know you really need to find out if your homegirl hooked up with that cute guy from (insert popular college area club) last night, but it can wait until you get to your fucking destination. It's bad enough that I have to sit on my horn at the red light when you're only talking on your cell, but this problem increases exponentially when spelling and grammar are brought into the equation. Now you're a vehicular homicide waiting to happen. And ladies, seriously, do you really need any help driving poorly?
T.V.
-My Super Sweet 16 - I've never wanted to punch a teenage girl in face so badly. It's just something about hearing a 16 year old say things like, "but Sarah got two new cars for her birthday!" This show is a great example of what happens if you never tell a child "no". These parents need to start beating their kids immediately if they want any glimmer of hope that their kids won't grow into completely useless pieces of shit. And then someone needs to beat the hell out of the parents for ruining a potentially good 16 year old girl.
In General
-Automatic toilets - Now, I'm all about the advancement of technology to increase convenience in our daily lives. What I'm not about is getting an uninvited cold douche when I'm in the middle of making bears. I know, I know, put some toilet paper over the sensor. I do, but occasionally I forget. Then it's one wrong move and I'm all wet. Lame!
-Mosquitos - Where the fuck do you get off? I've got a great idea. How about I go ahead and keep all of my blood and you go ahead and keep your malaria, west nile, and bird flu. Call me when you throw some x-ray vision, super jump, and mind reading into the mix. Then, we'll talk.
Businesses
-Places that leave their neon Open sign on ALL THE TIME - Ok, by definition, the point of a neon Open sign is to LET PEOPLE KNOW WHEN YOU ARE FUCKING OPEN. Why would you want to leave it on when you're closed?
"Well how do u kno there closed???"
I seriously doubt that the nail salon I passed by at 2:30 a.m. with it's sign glowing and the rest of its lights off was open for business (not that I care, my nails are sexytastic).
"Ok, but what if da store is open 24 hrs lolz?"
THEN THEY DON'T NEED A MOTHERFUCKING NEON OPEN SIGN!
-"Shitty" toilet paper - You can tell a lot about what a business thinks about its customers by what they make them wipe their special parts with. People are reluctant enough to use the restroom in public without having to wipe their ass with some grainy, transparent, half-ply paper that even a prison's not cruel enough to serve (insert yor own prison rape joke). Seriously, did they run out of fucking sandpaper and have to resort to limestone shavings?
