I'm 1/16 Chickasaw Indian yet I have red hair. I've slept on Frank Sinatra’s bed. When I break up with a girl, they've been known to go Goth. I was once questioned, polygraphed and suspected of the arson of a county court. I am agile as a tool shed, I splash like water and some call me "Rhaubib." To a family of Philippinoes, I am known only as "Johnny Eggroll." I suck at blowing glass. I have double-jointed shoulders. I checked a US sailor dressed as a giant beer can into the boards at a NHL hockey game. I have been caller number 1. I'm have been an industrial spy, a DOS hacker and a tubist. I have caught red wasps, black scorpions, blue iguanas and clown fish with my bare hands. I have been in juvenile, county, state and federal prison populations, yet never served time. I once roofed a Colorado church with an Angel named Brian. At any given time, I only see out of one eye, unless I'm looking out of the other one. I once caught a mallard with a fishing pole. I was a wanted man in Florida. Cats and dogs and babies love me, yet horses despise me without cause. I once made chili so hot that no one ate it and still won due to the judge's fear. I have seen a ghost, known a vampire and chased a snipe. In some circles, my banana's foster is a thing of legend. I played center for the highest scoring left-winger in NHL history. Asian criminal justice majors defer to my bartending skills. I have filed bankruptcy without ever filing bankruptcy. I always bet on red 19 out of respect for Steve Yzerman. I have climbed a Mayan temple, evaded barracudas and snorkeled the caves of the Yucatan. I sang in a world premiere musical and crooned big band tunes at a Baptist poker night but never gave an encore. I spit sunflower seeds on Andy Pettite's head. I own 65 million year old dinosaur poop. I once carjacked a man for his own good. Many illegal alien construction workers refer to me as only the "good electrician." I agree with the wizard’s first rule. I've never lost a fight I've fought and I've never scored on a shot I didn't take. I know why the answer is "42." My writings are banned in China. I own a diamond that is older than the earth. I have fed a mountain lion by hand. Hot, young, nubile coeds call me "Sir." I have frozen people and shoved them into lava.
