Jesus never promised us that our lives would be rosy once we were washed clean. Life happens, but know that God is by your side.
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Myspace Christian Comments & GraphicsMy TestimonyThere I sat on Nana Bass’s knee listening to her tell me about the love of Jesus. “One day we will all be dancing around Him in heaven†she would cry. I would smile jumping off her lap dancing for her, showing Nana how I would dance for Jesus. There Nana would sit on the veranda of that old country house, cheering and clapping her hands, humming a tune. Nana died when I was three, and it didn’t take long before I forgot her teachings. Jesus never forgot me though. My whole life was filled with Christian people fleeting in and then out again, watering that little dry garden that was in my heart, the roots taking shape, ready for the day that the flower would bloom inside me and I would be singing His praise and dancing the dance of freedom.1998 saw a time that I needed God. My son Samuel had been born, with a condition called clubfeet. His feet were considerably deformed from his ankles. And still in the throws of suffering from Post Natal Depression after the birth of my eldest son, I knew I couldn’t do it on my own. I needed help. I was a broken woman. I knew what it was like at the bottom of that pit. So out of desperation and in search of something greater than myself, and realising that clairvoyants, magic, and witchcraft wasn’t going to help me, I turned to church.My mother in law was already a Christian, was very excited when I asked if I could come along to her church. They welcomed me with open arms. And I gave my life to God. However my world was still very much entangled with my old life. I didn’t know God. Yes I have given my life, yes I had said God I want you in my life, but what did that mean? Why didn’t I feel any different? Slowly I began to drift away, I gave up on church, and eventually I gave up on God.This was probably the worst thing I had ever done. I turned my back on God, even though I knew he was crying out for me to hold on, to step closer not further away. My life suddenly had a huge hole in the middle and I didn’t know how to fill it. I tried first by filling it with nightclubbing and drinking, but that didn’t seem to work, I still felt empty. So I turned to men. Yes I was married, but it became such an obsession. I needed to feel beautiful, I needed to feel loved, and I needed to be desired. These men said the words that temporarily filled that void. Every night I was in a different man’s arms, a man that wasn’t my husband. While at home sat my husband and three son’s crying for a mum and wife that wasn’t in the place she should be.Eventually I met a man, who I thought was my knight in shining armour, the one that I thought I had been seeking all my life. He seemed to be the man of my dreams, the one that got me when no one else did. Little did I know that it was all a lie! After moving out of my marital home, leaving my children behind I started a life with this new man, for eight months. Eight months that left me hurt, bitter and suicidal, I began to cut my arms with knives. I began to hate myself so much. I felt so dirty and used. I hated the fact that I had broken my husband; I hated myself that I deserted my son’s. I hated that I had allowed my body to become nothing more than a slab of meat rather than the temple God had designed it to be. My children were becoming unruly, my parents and siblings had turned their back on me. My husband was the only person that stood by me through all of this. I don’t know why, but I must be about the luckiest woman on the face of the earth.So after eight months of living in what I can imagine hell is like, I moved back home to my husband and children. I continued to see the man that I was having the affair with. We moved from Ballarat, thinking that, that was the reason that I was feeling so devoid of life. However the move to Kilmore was no better. I tried going to church again; taking the man I was having the affair with. I knew God was speaking to me, telling me that what I was doing was wrong. But I couldn’t seem to shake off my addiction. I hated Kilmore and wanted to move again, and found Werribee, I know that it was God that brought me to Werribee. And I remember praying one night, “God I know that you don’t want me to live this life anymore, I promise that when we move I will get rid of himâ€. Little did I know that God would hold me to that promise.One month after living in Werribee, and after attending South West Christian Church and rededicating my life to Christ, while that man stood by my side in the church, God tapped me on the shoulder and told me now was the time to let him go. I remember it well, my husband was driving trucks interstate, he was in Brisbane coming home, and it was a Sunday morning. I said to the man who had stayed the night with me, “I can’t do this anymore. We need to stopâ€. And with that he was gone.My heart was hurting for all that I had done, it was a strange feeling, one that was mixed with relief, love for God, and fear of the unknown. But that was the easy part. It was going to get much tougher, I just didn’t know it yet. A few weeks later, my husband was in the truck again, and God tapped my shoulder once more. This time I knew I had to admit everything I had done wrong to my husband. I had to tell him about the affairs, the lies, the drinking, the drugs, everything! I wanted to do it face to face, but God told me to do it on the phone. Boy was I glad I did it on the phone. As you can imagine what I told him didn’t go down to well. I was called all sorts of names. I spent that night afraid that a truck would be driven through the bedroom wall.All I could do was trust in Jesus. I remember lying on the bedroom floor, sobbing, why God, why did you make me tell him, now he hates me! And God said one word to me, as clear as day, “Restorationâ€. I knew that God had restored me, he had washed me clean there was no filth, no silt left, it was nothing but a clean and pure heart, and this is what would happen to my marriage. I held onto that word, restoration. And I began to confess it over my marriage.My husband didn’t speak to me for about a week, he decided that he was going to move out of our home. Yet that only lasted two weeks. And now I can say two years on and our marriage has been restored. Both my husband and I have gone through a dramatic change. My husband has been healed and even trusts me to go out of the house alone now. It took a lot. And I can only praise my God for that, because with Him, I wouldn’t be here today. I probably would have committed suicide, if not I probably would be still having affairs, thinking my life was fun, but hating my self. Now today I sit here with a love for myself that I have never known. I can honestly say that when I look in the mirror that I’m gorgeous! And I’m washed clean. I really can understand when the prostitute anoints Jesus in Luke 7:36. I feel like that every day, the price that Jesus paid for me, that the most expensive perfume to simply wash His feet wouldn’t suffice. I am so grateful for those few words “you are forgivenâ€, they are everything to me, they show me that God loved me, me of all people, the girl that has had so many wacky hairdo’s, the girl who happily danced for hours, the girl who likes to sing in the shower, the girl who loves to climb mountains. The girl who did things that were so bad, the girl who hurt many people and tore so many hearts, but the girl who was loved by her King and Saviour so much that He went to the cross for her.And now I’m enjoying the journey, Jesus has such an adventure set for my life with the four wonderful men He has blessed me with. A life that is filled with laughing, and enjoyment. Will there be hard times? Of course there will, but I know that God is by my side and is going no where so when those times come I know that I have a chest to rest my head upon and He will wipe my tears, and when I fall over and stumble, Jesus will wipe the dust of my backside, and kiss the scrapes on my knees, because He is my daddy.Thankyou Jesus!
I'm gonna get me a ute one of these days.
