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ATTENTION FAMILY MEMEMBERS THIS IS FOR YOU. Here are my 10 RULES FOR this years Christmas Dinner!!! 1. If you are allergic to anything, get the ingredients BEFORE the table is set. Don't wait until you are in line and ask what everything is on the damn table! You will get punched in the head for that! 2. If you can't walk or are missing any limbs, sit your @$$ down until someone makes your plate for you. Dinner time is not the time for you to be independent. Nibble on the damn pecans and walnuts to hold you over. 3. If you have kids under the age of twelve, keep them in the Basement and bring their food down there. Tell them that they are not allowed upstairs until it's time for Uncle Tony to tell your @$$ it’s time to go home! If they bring their lil @$$ upstairs for any reason except for that they are bleeding to death, I will break a foot off in their @$$! 4. There is going to be one prayer for Thanksgiving dinner! JUST ONE! We do not care what you are thankful for, we are ready to eat. Save that talk for somebody who gives a damn. The time limit for the prayer is ONE (1) minute. If you are still talking after that one minute is up, you will feel something hard come across your lips and they will be swollen for approximately 20 minutes. No you can’t use my damn ice….it’s for my drinks. 5. Finish everything on your plate before you go up for seconds! If you don't, you will be cursed out and asked to stay your greedy @$$ home next year! 6. IF, and only if I allow you to take something home make sure you BRING YOUR OWN TUPPERWARE!! Don't let me catch you fixing yourself a plate in my good tupperware knowing damn well that I will never see it again! If you touch my $#!%, I will shoot you!! Hands down! 7. What you came with is what you should leave with!! Do not leave my house with anything that doesn't belong to you. EVERYBODY WILL BE SUBJECTED TO A BODY SEARCH COMING AND GOING OUT OF MY DOMAIN!!! 8. Do not leave your kids so you can go hopping from house to house. This is not a DAYCARE CENTER! And know that I have no problem kickin someone else kidz @$$. There will be a kid-parent roll call every ten minutes. Any parent that is not present at the time of roll call, your child will be put outside until you come and get him or her. After 24 hours, I will call DCFS on your ignorant @$$!! 9. BOOK YOUR HOTEL ROOM BEFORE YOU COME INTO TOWN!! There will be no sleeping over at my house! You are to come and eat dinner and take your @$$ home or to your hotel room. EVERYBODY GETS KICK THE HELL OUT AT 11pm. You will get a 15 minute warning bell ring. 10. Last but not least! ONE PLATE PER PERSON!! This is not a soup kitchen. I am not trying to feed your family that did not come to dinner! You will be supervised when you fix your plate. Anything over the appropriate amount will be charged to you before you leave. There will be a cash register at the door. Thanks to a special cousin who shall remain nameless and his greedy @$$ family, we now have a credit card machine! So VISA and MASTERCARD are now being accepted. THE LINK MACHIAN DOES NOT ACCESS CARDS YET! AND, NO CHECKS ACCEPTED!*HAPPY HOLIDAYS* Can't wait to see ya there!