"If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. And if they don't, they never were."
- Kahlil Gibran
Proven 5 times over now. Love may change, but it never seems to lose it's shine.
This life. This family. These friends. This boy. This turtle. These lessons. Its making me. Shaping me. Allowing me to live to the fullest. Surprises are my favorite. Spontaneous is my middle name. Dino is my bff. I have dreams. Ambitions. Aspirations. None of them practical. I live on the edge. Swallow razor blades. Breath fire. And piss excellence. I've compromised everything. I've lived and learned. Rarely have I ever loved. That's a lie. Seriously though. I don't miss NC. I miss the people. There are the ones who have stayed with me. Loved me. Saved me. I have more than one home. Everyone should. 3,000 miles away from my past. Minutes away from my future. Give me excitment. I'll stay with you forever. Google Street View rocks my world. So does Wells Fargo online checking. It doesn't take much to tickle my fancy.
Try me.
Sometimes, when I watch a British movie, I talk in an accent when Thomas calls me, because I can't help it. I brush my teeth for 4 minutes and floss twice each time. I just recently realized that putting on make-up doesn't take an hour, and people ask me if I'm finally getting laid. Ha. I really want an animal from the Woodland SPCA, but my parents won't let me. Sarah is convinced I'd be happier, she says they are better than men. I think I believe her. I go to Dutch Brothers every night, and there seems to be only one guy working every time. I think he knows I'm obsessed by now. I talk way too much on my phone, and not enough in person. I've considered being a striper once. Last week I contemplated being a nun. Thats how my mind works. My eyes are green and empty. My voice shakes and I stutter when I get nervous. I never wear shoes, and my socks are still white. My mom just knows how to do laundry. I've noticed that my room reflects on how I feel. Right now, its a mess. My favorite thing to do with a boy, is brush our teeth together. I have no idea why. I've always wanted to dance to with a boy to Jack Johnson's "Better together". I haven't found that boy yet. I'm not rushed. Sushi makes me smile, and if you eat it with me, I'll love you forever. Speaking of loving someone forever, get me a turtle, and I'm all yours. I like wearing hats, but I feel silly. I really like skittles, but I can only have them once a month. I get tired of things easily. Like this scenery. But change scares me. So I stay. I've lied too many times. On the contrary, I've told the truth more times than I should have. I've never been skinny dipping, but I want to this year. I don't have goals, unless they are easy enough to be accomplished, or easy enough to forget about. Sometimes, I make myself miserable just to prove a point. I don't think I ever really get the point across. I judge quickly, and you almost always prove me wrong. I hope that never changes. I have things in my life that people say are tainting my soul, but those are the things I hold on to the tightest. I love books, but I've never finished "To Kill a Mocking Bird." I'm still on page 241 and I've had it since graduation. Candles are my new thing. Incense makes my mom wheeze. I have a favorite ring, but it fell behind my bed one day, and I haven't bothered to get it. Much like my favorite of most things. I just don't bother. Samantha loans me clothes and I never give them back. She still loves me. I love naps, but that takes time. And time is one thing I can no longer spare. Growing up upsets me. And bills make me cry. I hate getting what I want, before getting what I need. I put on lip gloss like its cocaine. I like just watching movies and eating popcorn. I haven't touched my year book since the last day of school. I'd like to throw it out my second story window and forget this past year ever happened. Jacob Kessler makes me believe in life. I always need to wash my car. And when I wash it, it bothers me the next day when I see it dirty. So I never wash it. My room is the size of your closet, and I find myself spending much more time in there. I have a mirror but I never look in it. I find it to be a waste. I like snail mail, and Thomas always sends the best cards. I like being remembered, and I make it my goal to never be forgotten. I have a lucky dollar. It sits behind my NC license. It says I love you, because sometimes I need reminding. I like National Geographic, but I read Magazines like People when I work out. That makes me a complete girl. Actually, a lot classifies me as that cliche girl, and I don't mind it anymore. I like being normal much more than I like sticking out. That is one reason my hair is still brown. She is still my raisins and cheese, and I have the spork to prove it. I use spell check like it's going out of style. I don't keep receipts, and I don't get pay stubs. Wells Fargo takes care of all that for me. They are my homeboyz. When I start to stress, or worry, I itch the inside of my pinky. But I've broken the habit of biting my nails. I still hate to paint them though. She will always be my Schnookums. Huggy Bear is the only pet name I've ever allowed. A hair cut I'm happy with is hard to come across, but I have one right now. I consider things like grocery shopping, Dr. Appointments, changing my oil, and going to the kids soccer games a date if I'm with someone who enjoys holding my hand. I don't have many qualifications, but you have to like holding hands with me. Smoking cigarettes reminds me of NC, and riding with Syd with the windows down and music blaring. There have been times that I was so utterly happy I could die. I read my horoscope, but I never really believe it. I like secrets, they keep me sane. But I have a list of deepest secrets, and it's long.
Ps. Secret # 46: I'm so afraid I'll never run out of secrets to share with you.
Mother's are suppose to be our shelter.
If that is true
Allow me to be homeless.
I want to be the one who pulls the trigger and shuts those blue eyes from the world forever.
.... .. ...... .. ..
I want a boy who will sing me this:
I wanna make you smile whenever you're sad
Carry you around when your arthritis is bad
All I wanna do is grow old with you.
I'll get your medicine when your tummy aches.
Build you a fire if the furnace breaks
Oh it could be so nice, growin old with you.
I'll miss you, kiss you, give you my coat when you are cold.
Need you, feed you, and even let you hold the remote control.
So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink
Put you to bed when you've had too much to drink.
Oh I could be the man who grows old with you.
Actually. You don't even have to sing me that.
Just whisper you love me
And that would be just fine too.
I want passion. Drive. Sincerity. Truth. Understanding. Forgiveness. Unselfish love.
Like these boys give me. Everyday.
..