Indonesia has been one of the cheap labor centers embroiled in a class action case brought against me in the California court system. You know what, screw Indonesians and their damn right to have living wages. Where am I going to have left to go if no one wants to work for the gum on the bottom of my shoe? People need their cheap shit, and they need it now!
When you buy shirts from me, do you see women in Bangladesh working from 7:30 a.m. to 8:00 p.m., seven days a week? I do pay them 9 - 20 cents an hour so it justifies my not giving them health care and maternity leave. I am spending too much on these women already. Do you like monitored bathroom visits? Well the T-shirt making women I employ do simply because they are so used to them I’m sure.
At the Beximco factory in the Dhaka Export Processing Zone in Bangladesh, there are 1,000 workers, at least 80 percent of them young women, sewing shirts and pants. Beximco is a sweatshop, where human rights are systematically violated but I don’t technically run it so back off.
Its not my responsibility you see, because if the people I subcontract out to are the ones abusing and I just turn a blind eye there is no problem. So shut it!
So I have been voted and zoned out of New Jersey twice now but that’s not going to stop me. I preach that I don’t go where I am not wanted but these dumb ass consumers don’t know what they want. I am telling them what they want and giving it to them. It works out for me.
Did I mention that I spent money sending supplies to Katrina victims? Yeah I did. Then I spent lots of money advertising the fact that I had given this relief to victims. I mean I need some brand loyalty and I need some good PR.
I will open more than 50 health clinics in my stores this year. Employees and customers will be able to use the non-emergency clinic for a cost of $45 to $50 per visit. Woo Hoo!
Michigan has threatened me with a law suite unless I conform to their laws and properly price all of my items for sale. Who is the state attorney general to tell me how to conform to laws?
I have decided to let people buy the morning after pill at my stores. I mean society is going to hell and not properly Christian at all. The apocalypse is going to happen some time soon so let’s just go down with a bang.
I must say I’m sad that my technique has been revealed. I mean if I want to employ online bloggers to spread good corporate messages or propaganda then so be it.
Do businesses see a surge up in sales when wal-mart moves down the street? Well if they are a non-competitive business selling items that wal-mart does not sell or if they are a specialty store then yes. Otherwise good luck buying out your lease.
Maryland is going to try and force me to spend more money on my employee’s health care. I mean god forbid they have to spend some state cash on health care for my employees, they are people too you know.
Wal-Mart is looking to increase speed for transactions for consumers internationally by developing biometric sales procedures. Customers will simply have to scan their fingerprint and the businesses will be able to recall their credit card information or bank info, past purchases for discount and charge them properly. This means great speedy transactions to perfect consumerism even more. This also means massive corporations now having your fingerprints and financial information logged and cataloged to freely share with the government under its new info sharing plan. Marketing firms and corporation are giving their consumer info to the gov really? That even surprises me.
Wal-Mart sponsored a documentary celebrating black history month. This film will be part of the retail giants Voices of Color film series. Some are offended by this action and some sing praise, you decide. Wal-Mart also has money to do great things like pay for leukemia treatments for 4 year old girls. If I have hundreds of billions of dollars Id love to do that and more.
Ok so now I’m telling everyone that I offer a better health plan for my employees so they will only have to pay $11. I mean that’s what they think, but in reality a couple single people pay $11, families pay $65, and single parents pay $35 a month. Now my people can go to the doctor three times a year under their plan without having to pay more then 60% of the medical charges. Did I mention the $1000 deductible? Each plan has a cap of $25,000 for the first year of enrollment in the plan so don’t plan on having any premature babies, or get hit by a car, or have any kind of accident requiring more than stitches! Hehe, but now I’m covered… I can tell everyone I’m providing cheap health care… as long as you don’t really need it, and you don’t have kids that get sick, and your not old… A nice new bow on the same box of shit.
On December 22nd I, the world's largest retailer, must pay $172.3 million to California workers I was convicted of illegally preventing from taking meal breaks. Screw that California Jury. Screw California.
So why is it my duty to suspect or look up guys I hire as Santa. I mean come on I cant do everything! Turns out the santa I hired in a town in the state of New York decided to try and have oral sex with a fifteen year old. Come on, these things happen.
I want to know why the estate of John T. Walton filed to sell as much as $572.3 million in company shares recently. I mean they can’t possibly believe all the talk about lack of Wal-Mart prospects and expansion in the future. I say there is no capacity limit, there is no business life cycle, we can concur all, and I’m pissed they bailed on my stock. Rapid expansion won’t slow down just because I run out of countries to invade! Come on investors, keep at it! I can give you fast growth still!
It is totally not my fault that those shoppers trampled them selves on black Friday when entering my store. I mean when I open the doors and run for it letting them stream in to buy my awesomely good merchandise its all up in the air. Blood, hair, nails, those things are not under my control. Prices are under my control. Mob frenzies over low prices and availability are not my deal.
Ok, it’s not my fault that California has such awesome public programs for my employees. It just means that California pays the $86 million a year for the public programs my employees use instead of me. I mean I can’t provide food stamps, income tax credits for low wage, housing subsidies, clinic visits or prescription drug discount cards, the state has to do that.
So what if 12,300 Wal-Mart workers and dependants are on Medicaid in Florida, 10,261 children of Wal-Mart workers are enrolled in PeachCare for kids in Georgia, and 3,864 Children of Wal-Mart children are enrolled in Medicaid in Alabama. To get that you have to prove your income is below poverty wage and my employees have no problem qualifying for that with their average wake of about 13K a year. I mean some jerks estimate I cost taxpayers $1,557,000,000.00 to support my employees on government programs but they are just being mean and trying to turn you against me by using mind tricks like numbers and economic studies.
It is perfectly ok for my employees in Germany to be unionized, because I bought them that way. I mean they came unionized in my deal. See I bought ASDA a great big box store and changed its name. My German employees get paid vacations only because they are on another continent. Don’t tell anyone about that ok, I don’t want everyone knowing and bitching at me.
So you all know how much small city and county governments like me right? I mean lots of them give me incentives to move into town. Sure their citizens might complain or be a little worried but hell when I am given subsidies from a counties budget to move in why not? I save money and you all know how thrifty I am! There was a great government in Illinois that gave me a total of 100 million dollars in subsidies that could have gone to the devastated school system but whatever. Don’t let life get you down I always say.
Oh yeah can some one tell the EPA to lay off because those jack asses fined me 3.1 million dollars for violations of the Clean Water Act in Texas, Colorado, California, Delaware, Michigan, south Dakota, new jersey, Tennessee, and Utah in 2004.
You guys know Lee Scott right? He is my best leader, he bleeds red, white, blue, and happy face blood when he gets cut by big jerks talking smack about me. He is such a great guy that I helped him earn $27,207,799 in 2005. I mean the Walton family is great and I love them and make them rich to, but I love Lee Scott. The Walton family does great things with their money like build bunkers to save them selves from the end of the world and donate about 1% of their earnings to charity. How sweet is that?
Now all this crap you have heard about my parking lots it just not true. They might look like crap, be covered in trash, and be incredibly crime infested but please there is plenty of space for hundreds of people to park and shop at the same time. You might have heard about that internal study I conducted finding 80% of the crime happening at my stores occurred in the parking lot but I didn’t release that to the public so keep it on the down low ok.
To all of you jerks out there protesting me, stop it. Stop your ballot initiatives, protests, signature collecting, letters to city councils, calls to senators, petitions, and propaganda spreading. I love people and they need to love me to for this to work out ok?
So now I’m under fire just because people found this memo I had circulating. Jesus, all it said was to hire more part time people and discourage the sick from working for me by having physical activity in every job! Come on, if I were the president I would have control over my internal documents and you bitches wouldn’t be allowed to have read that. Unless it was leaked, oh my god I know it was leaked. Damn disgruntled part timers with no benefits.
Oh yeah and now there are these privacy advocate nuts saying that my RFID tag technology should be referred to as spy chips. Dicks, I just developed it for inventory control, it’s not my fault that other people want to use it for tracking other things. I mean tracking the RFID’s once someone gets home or is walking around school or the air port is none of my concern. True you could make a unidirectional scanning device to drive by scan peoples homes but I don’t do that, its wrong.
China is getting a little pricy because their economy is moving forward now. See I had all these manufacturers move over there with a little green coercion and now there is a frigging middle class immerging in China! Damn it, people are getting all demanding, making unions, trying to get better pay and health coverage. I think Ill have the suppliers move to Vietnam next!
I sell Garth! Now if you are totally into Garth Brooks, guess what? You have to buy his music at my stores! Sam’s club and Wal-Mart will be the exclusive outlet for Garth Brooks! Yippy!
Arizona finally decided to release some info that made me look bad. They disclosed the number of Wal-Mart employees across their state that are on medical assistance. In Arizona 2700 of my employees health care is paid for by tax payers. Hell yeah, I don’t have to pay for that. Oh and guess what? There were 13 states asked to report on how many of my employees were on medical assistance and 12 out of 13 of them listed Wal-Mart employees as the highest benefactors of medical assistance in their state. Lazy bums don’t want to pay for the awesomely affordable health plan I offer them.
So whats new with me hm? Well I’m in love with me. I came up with another idea for getting into small towns again. Some places I propose a super center in now are reluctant to approve my plans because of lower property values and me causing other small stores to close in the area and sometimes what seems like sporadic vacancy of my stores from other cities. True I pick up and leave when I want biatch! Anyways, listen to this. In Gainesville I plan on building a bigger, better, Wal-Mart recreational park for the town if they let me build my super center. This allows the tax payers to get a park without paying for it and the politicians don’t take crap for raising taxes to pay for the park but they can take credit for it! Genius! The people will love the idea I’m sure. If not I’m going to start flying in my representatives to spread my friendly greetings to the town residents and politicians.
I know I am all preachy and everything, but come on, how much ass kissing to the church must I do? For example I have brought on 10 lawsuits to a church in Riverside County because the assholes thought they could solicit money infront of my stores to feed and cloth the homeless. Let those dicks beg on their own, and then come buy their cheap clothing and food from one of my convenient 24 hour locations on your local street corner.
My beloved John Walton died June 28th 2005 in a plain crash. The heir to my ways was testing his super light weight experimental home made craft on his private air strip when he crashed just after take off. It’s not very often that you hear of rich people dying in private plain crashes. There are no early deaths in a life of excess! Well accept for those Kennedy’s, that congressman, a couple CEO’s, that guy who owned that football team, some musicians……
I’m a now republican. See, it used to be that Sam Walton would contribute funds to both sides of the political spectrum incase he needed a favor after the elections. Now I just donate 80% of my political contribution funds to the Bush cabinet, republican candidates, and conservative causes. I plot where my stores are going to be according to the percentage of the surrounding republican vote in the last election of metropolitan areas. The more republicans, the better and bigger my store will be! Last year I increased the size of my lobbying team and its normal $2.7 million dollar amount for political contributions.
So I’m a hypocrite. I mean I don’t see this as a bad thing. I can act differently in different world markets. For example in America I make magazine publishers change their covers because they are to immoral and disgusting for my customers to be exposed to, but in other countries I sell porn right on the shelves with the covers facing customers. This porn area is right there by the movies and it’s not roped off or anything. I mean the kids and the adults can shop for porn together as a family. Isn’t that harmonious?
Hey, I’m allowed to make mistakes every once and a while. Like recently when I decided it was ok for my new online dvd rental service to display NC-17 hentai in the same section as animated kids movies. Muppet Babies, Pokemom The Movie 2000, and Private Lessons XXX. Makes since to me, its animated so it goes in the animated section next to your kids favorite after school flick. Thank god the listings were changed after some news sources caught wind of it.
Oh but then there was this other mistake I forgot about recently. Darn. Ok so I fired this midget I had working the shopping carts for years and years and the bitch is trying to sue me! I told her she didn’t smile enough so we would have to let her go even after all her time with us. True at one point she did smile then she suffered a stroke preventing her from smiling, but whose dumb ass fault is that?! Not mine. You’re fired!
Under the Clinton administration I had to get buddy-buddy with them. The guy was elected after all. After I got on the Clintons good side, I managed to get $76 million dollars in federal grants to build an air port for my corporate executives to fly out of Bentonville Arkansas easier. They were so kind to arrange that for me.
Right now there are approximately 5000 law suites against me. Every day I am named in about 3 new lawsuits and right now I am in the largest class action discrimination suite in US history. Yeah I systematically underpay women, what of it?
I am the low price leader. No one in the world has lower prices then me! No one! If you have a lower price then me today, you won't next week for sure! I make about $250 billion dollars a year and I am the United States biggest importer of foreign goods.
Even my executives admit I hate unions. See, there is this guy named Tom Coughlin who admits to using company funds to pay for anti-union activities. He even said that he paid supposed union leaders to get the names of employees interested in unionizing so they could be remanded. Oh, and this darn Polish employee I suspended, and then fired, he thinks I did this because he was trying to organize a union at the distribution center he worked at. He’s on a hunger strike and staging a sit-in in front of the center he was fired from. Oh, and add to number of lawsuits against me, he wants to take legal action.
It's not child labor if they are willing. I have over 30,000 suppliers that I like to consider my friends. I tell them how to make better business decisions for themselves and me. For example Lakewood Manufacturing and Engineering Company from Chicago, they were paying their employees $13 an hour with benefits. And I was like, nah man I cant pay your high prices on box fans. Ill tell you what though, I will give you your biggest order in history if you give me the fan $10 cheaper. Now Lakewood has moved to China and they pay $0.25 an hour with no benefits so I can sell a box fan for $10 less then they wanted me to.
I employ these people called community affairs supervisors who go to perspective towns to inform the local community of the jobs a new Wal-Mart will create. People are told about Wal-Mart wanting to eliminate traffic concerns, environment concerns, and donate money to local community needs. There is no mention of environment and economic impact on other businesses of course, but biatch you can work for me!
Do you know how many crimes are reported at my stores? In stores, parking lots, back rooms? Of course you don’t stupid. You will never know! Kidnappings, stealing, people getting run over in parking lots, child abuse, animal abuse, all kinds of interesting things you wont read about any time soon. You think I want those numbers just hanging around for people to see when they feel like looking it up. I would just be giving communities facts to combat my moving into there towns. I mean right now they can’t totally prove that my stores bring serious crime to the area! I’m sorry, you don’t want to be stabbed or robbed in the far back not so well lit part of my parking lot in Texas? Hah! I laugh at your insignificance!
I love cheap labor! I’m not admitting that I hired those 350 illegal immigrant janitors! No I’m just going to pay the 11 million dollars and call it even. That way it won’t be a big media deal and I won’t have to admit to anything! Isn’t that great?!
Screw Safeway and Costco! Those little losers will never make as much money as me as fast as I can! You know why? Because they haven’t mastered the art of low wages and crappy health coverage. I mean true I have a health insurance option for my employees, but most of them don’t opt for it because lets face it, it’s expensive. How does Costco get off paying their workers so much and providing health coverage? Those assholes are making me look bad!
I love China; it’s so nice and cheap. Im planning on around 2000 stores in China within the next year or two. So I guess when the All-China Federation of Trade Unions requests that we unionize our China operations or get faced with a lawsuit (brought on by the Chinese government), I had to bow down. I wrote a love note about China in my blog. I produce a lot of my stuff there and get knock offs made there. Once China isn’t cheap enough for me anymore, I’m going to move to Vietnam or Bangladesh because they are even cheaper. China will have manufacturers fleeing their country like there’s a deadly plague. If those suppliers want to keep selling to me, they have to move somewhere cheaper too.
