The tale of Cleveland's premiere improvisational death metal band is a tale of 4 young men bound by an indescribable respect for a living American Icon, William Shatner.
Shatner was formed in the early months of the year two thousand and four by three destitute alcoholics, er, I mean artists from the Cleveland area. A svelte individual by the name of Ritz began to glowingly speak of a man who is a throwback to simpler, better days. Days when men were really men and women were objects to hump. And as Mister Ritz exuberantly spoke of this man of a bygone era, one could almost see a tear form in the corner of his eye... and thus, out of respect for this American hero, Shatner was born.
In the months that followed this infamous day, somehow Ritz was ousted from the band. All of the members were too drunk to remember exactly how or why it happened, but everyone agreed, it was probably for a good reason. In the area of early summer two thousand and four, Dave made a bit of a boner by accepting to play at a concert performance, even though Shatner had never, uhm, practiced... ever. At this point in time Joe was playing guitar and Dave was the vocalist. Unless, Shatner was going to be a coffee house act, action needed to be taken. A man by the name of Vince was recruited to fill in on drums and Dave's drinking croney, Ryan, filled in as an extra vocalist. Everyone agreed that bass players are usually of a homosexual nature, so there was no reason to try to find one. So the good news was that Dave had found a full band in time for the concert performance. The bad news was that the concert performance was the very night that Dave and Joe had rounded out the band's lineup. As Ryan and Dave drove down to Akron to play at the venue named 'Annabelles', a few rules, nay, commandments were set:
1. Shatner will be improvisational death metal
2. Members of Shatner must always be heavily intoxicated on fermented barley while performing
So with the rules set, the members of Shatner drank and drank.... and drank.... and drank. Nobody that was actually in Shatner remembers performing that evening, but scores of fans screamed with almost childish delight at the drunken antics of Shatner. In a rare moment of sobriety, Dave and Ryan wondered 'were those cackles of laughter at us or with us?', but they decided not to think about that and rather to drink copious amounts of booze. Years later the tale of Shatner's first gig is still told by folk all over the countryside. Some tell tales of Joe's infant-like bladder control. Others tell tales of Ryan actually getting laid that evening. And still others insist that Dave gutted a midget onstage and dragged his corpse all the way across I-90. Whatever the case may be, everyone agrees... there was something magical in the air that summer eve and it wasn't the rank flatulence coming from Joe's ass. No, it was 4 individuals coming together and making sweet love to their instruments, and in Dave's case, ultimately with himself in the bathroom of a truck stop.
As the months passed, a few more shows were put together with Shatner and they were all more magical than a sleepover at the Neverland Ranch. And so it came to be... Shatner, the premiere improvisational death metal band in northeastern Ohio. Many folk say that witnessing a Shatner show is tantamount to having a full frontal brain lobotomy. Its that good. And so the Shatner train continues to roll... but the question is, are you ready to get on it?
