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Years ago (or perhaps it was months, I'm not telling), I met a woman online that lived in the northeastern portion of the US. How we came about meeting is foggy to me now... you really should say no to drugs and alcohol... and leave more for me... but we hit it off well and after a bit she decided to fly down to the midwest to meet me face to face. Being the un-worldly man that I was back then... and still am now... I was somewhat shocked when our conversations started becoming a bit risque. I mean I'd heard of cyber-sex, but I never fully understood it. And besides, isn't that how computers get viruses?At any rate, she planned on coming to visit and was going to fly into Kansas City to see me a couple of months down the road. In the meantime, I get a letter from her in the mail. It was a large envelope, kind of a parchment type of paper, that had a strong perfume smell. Since it was actually close to my birthday, I assumed she'd sent me a small gift. I wasn't prepared for what I saw when I opened the envelope. I opened the card and enclosed was a coppery-rust colored pair of underwear... a thong. I held it up and gazed at it perplexed... turning it slowly in the soft morning light... somewhat like a caveman and his first glimpse of fire. Was this for me to wear? Just what on earth was this woman into? I mean sure, they were attractive, but I'd spent most of my life trying to keep my underwear OUT of the crack of my ass. Did she really think I was going to butt-floss for her?I stood there for what must have been several minutes gazing at the tiny strips of material that was intended to hide my hidden parts and wondered just how I was going to fit my junk into such a small space. I'm not trying to imply that I'm Long Dong Silver or anything, but a thong bikini doesn't give a lot of wiggle room.... I had been wearing boxers for years. Was I actually supposed to look sexy while I felt like an idiot?It was a gift though and I guess if that kind of thing excited her, I'd give it a try. So I put 'em on. Uncomfortable as hell. I even wore 'em to work under my uniform. Let's just say THANK GOD I didn't wind up in an accident. I could just hear my mom's voice as I'm leaving for work... "Did you put on clean underwear? What if you're in an accident? And for Christ's sake, don't wear that goddamn thong!" My mom isn't exactly open minded... and I was beginning to understand why. Someone who is not open minded doesn't have to answer calls as a cop with a one inch strip of spandexy material rammed up his ass.So the trial run of thong-o-rama didn't go so well. Perhaps it just takes some getting accustomed to the feel. After all, I'm a modern kind of guy... yeah, right. After laundering the little felt rubberband from hell, I wore it a second time... the results weren't any better. I hadn't said anything to her yet as I didn't exactly know what to say... "Hey baby. Loved the gift. Can you send me a lacey teddy in a 46-A?"After a couple of days, she came out and asked me if I got the card and gift. I acknowledged that I had, but was still too uncomfortable to tell her I just wasn't into that kind of thing. Then she asked me... "Well... what did you think? Did you like them? When I come down, I'll let you take them off me."???? WHAT????Needless to say, I couldn't bare ever looking this woman in the eye after having worn her underwear for two days. I made up some kind of excuse as to why I couldn't see her and called the whole thing off... I think I told her I'd come down with Leukemia or something. 'Til this very day the Victoria's Secrets catalog gives me nightmares.