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First of all, yes, I WAS checking out your girlfriend's ass. Guilty as charged. So what? I'm impulsive, impetuous and unpredictable... all at the same time! That's what you love about Me. Aaaah, Me! I've been Me for 38 years, and I must say I'm excrutiatingly fascinating. Just look at Me over there (as if you weren't already) writing a really brilliant and evocative screenplay or perhaps my tell-all memoirs. But get this: I wasn't really writing anything at all, I was just pretending I was! Impressed? Of course you are. That's called Hollywood Magic, folks, and I know all the tricks. Do YOU? I thought not! Why, I could go on for days about Me, hours even. Did you know that I always smell fantastic? Fact! Then there was the time...? Oh, no you don't. I was about to tell you about some really terrific thing I did once and how everyone was so amazed, but I thought better of it. After all, I want to retain a little mystery. I want you to stay up all night discussing me with your friends at some coffee shop/WiFi hotspot, wondering exactly what I might be doing "right now" and with whom (hint: Me!). I want to show up in your dreams at night and complain about how bored I am there. I want to keep you guessing. I want to confuse you. Ashtray.