The Honorable Judge Boogie

I was born amongst the reeds along the river Nile in the mid-1980's. From there, my parents, a Himalayan botanist and his young wife of questionable lineage, a star of roller derby and Brazilian stage, fled their current home in search of my father's gay uncle, Baron Zanzibar Longfellow, a world renowned champion of Chinese Checkers. Along the way, my father was injured in a duel with Lawrence von Gradenburg, a poor peanut butter artist after my mother's heart. Though he won the altercation, thus cementing my mother's affections for him until his disappearance in 1997, he lost his left hand to the nefarious legume sculptor.Traveling the world on the trail of my homosexual granduncle, my mother took up spelunking; and, in a cave along the bluffs off of Cape Hope, discovered a rare species of beetle that feasted only on its own body. My father became jealous of his wife's fame within the etymological community and turned to an addiction to nasal spray to comfort him. After several years of touring nature museums and college campuses, all of my mother's specimens had eaten themselves and her beetles were now extinct.It was around this time that I met my first love. Isthmus was an Iowan girl making room in a hostel on the island of Tobago who always painted her finger nails pink with dots of white. Unfortunately, Izzy, as I grew to call her, was 14 years my senior and could not bring herself to devote her heart to a mere fifth grader.On a flight from the tropical island where I attended boarding school to the Swiss Alps where I would attend ballroom dance classes, I met a young man by the name of Skippy Tibideaux. Skippy and myself struck up a friendship aboard the jetliner and through joyous conversation that at once turned sour, I learned that young Skippy was the current lover of my pink-nailed goddess. Despite this melancholic turn of events, Skippy and myself were able to remain friends until his untimely death years later at the hands of one Haggis Jones, a Rwandan ex-Patriot hellbent on exacting revenge for his grandfather, whom Skippy's mother did cheat out of several chickens and more than one goat in a heated marathon of rock-paper-scissors.As I mourned the death of my good friend and learned to foxtrot with the offspring of Swiss nobles, my mother continued the search for my granduncle Zanzibar while also keeping an eye out for my father who had disappeared mysteriously when he strayed from the group on a tour of the Louvre. My mother, whose name I was never told, found clues of my granduncle's whereabouts while in Perth, Australia: a pyramid sticker, colored the seven hues of the rainbow, placed gingerly amongst the brochures for local steakhouses at the concierge desk of her hotel.My mother contacted me immediately to notify me that she had at last located my granduncle. I was on the first flight out on my way to Bangladesh to meet her at the Dhaka regional dance championships, where Zanzibar was rumored to be a judge. Finally, my years of endless drills would be put to use. I tangoed my way into the finals along with my partner Marzipan, a limber Filipino girl with a penchant for Almond Rocca. Marzipan and I would face the 3 time reigning champions in a sudden death round where we were asked to recreate the ending number of popular musical Grease.During that fateful final dance-off, our opponents were attacked by a rogue family of flamingos that had been plaguing the neighborhood. I whisked Marzipan to safety only to be confronted by my granduncle at the concession stand. As I slapped away his tray of nachos, he began to flee. I gave chase, still with Marzipan in tow, but the now spilled molten cheese sauce of my uncle's snack caused me to slip.I woke up in a comfortable bed in a dark room no more than two weeks ago. Marzipan had rescued me as my granduncle fled with his Bengali lover, Liliput St. Croix. She has informed me that I have been unconscious for a good 3 years. My mother has gone into hiding, seen only once in the interim, buying marshmallow peeps and a box of wine at a Target in Newark.As soon as my strength returns, I must continue the legacy of my family. I must find my granduncle Baron Zanzibar Longfellow.If you have any info on him, plz leave me a comment! thxxx =D =D