My wife and I just had our first child, Emma Ryan, and to all would be future suitors of my daughters hand here are my requirments:
1. IQ in excess of 130.
2. Obedient to every word out of my daughter's mouth, except that when words come out of my mouth they superceed anying else, including state laws.
3. Practice Chivalry. If I see that you don't open the door for my daughter when you get into your car, I will remove the door to extract my daughter.
4. Know how to work on a car. You will need to know this when you are fixing my car while waiting for Emma to get ready.
5. Be habit/disease/drug free. If you push your addiction / pass on your infection / or pump pills into my daughter, I will cure both of you, only my daughter will still be breathing.
6. Keep up on politics. Specifically keeping up on my political views and embracing them is the only way to not fail this requirement.
7. Be neat and tidy in appearance. If your pants are sagging off of your ass when you come to take Emma out, I will see to it that you have no ass to sag those pants off of. Two words, former butcher.
8. Be patient. She is getting ready. If she is running late, too bad. Besides you will be too busy changing my oil to be wondering why she is taking so long.
9. Be Loyal. If you cheat on her, there is no telling where I will dump your body.
10. Don't touch. Don't ever touch her unless she asks you to. NEVER touch her in front of me, especially if you are fond of your fingers, toes, lips and your...
