Duke701

I dont know who i am or anything about myself the only thing i do know is I have feelings for all things i care for everything i try to hide my feelings becouse i beleaved that thay made me weak now i know the more i feel the more pain the more happy i become the stronger i become i dont know why i am here i dont know if this is even real it is like im in a dream and cant wake up i feel so alone the pain hurt so much when some songs play i cant help but cry i feel the pain of others and i cant stand to see other ppl suffer so i try to help as much as i can ppl say im a nice person but im only doing what i beleave is right even now as i wright this it pains my heart for some reson i dont understand i cry the pain dosint go away and i cant hold back the tears anymore it hurt so much but i know that one day my tears will end and my pain will stop i sit in my room all day every day i dont go outside that much becouse i fear the outside world i dont think i can servive on the outside so i stay in my room and waste away the time on my pc its been 18 years and i dont know anything about myself all i know is pain i cant take this pain for much longer i dont know how long i can go on like this i have though about takeing my own life but i know that it is not a path i am willing to take i want to know what its like to be truly happy i cant be happy alone so i am only sad i dont know why im doing all this why im posting my feeling here but i hope that someone will see and be ably to help me be truly happy. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Date:May 8th 2008its about time i did a lil update lol i cant say its going to be good but i feel like i can tell the truth on my page becouse thats what it is MY PAGE so ill start with some outher feeling i have more powerfull than my sadness i have this hate,anger,rage inside of me that i try every day to hold in myself for if it ever came out i would end up hurting ppl so i stay in my room i leave when i have to and thats it for no outher resons will i leave my room or my house ppl alwasy tell me to git outside more and to git a job im only good at one thing and thats playing games it help me leave this world behind i cant deal with more than 5 ppl near me i start to git nerves than i git sweety after that theres not much for me to do but think of a way out most ppl fear death i welcome it whenever it may come to me what i fear is ppl i have only a few friends that i can call true friends i dont see tham as mush as i would like to but its hear to be with outher ppl i have no girlfriend who would date someone like me who doseint know there place in the world im useless i say to myself all day im good for notheing why was i born of all ppl why was i born i have no talant no skill but i live on for resons i dont know i used to cut myself to releave the pain but it did not work the school i was going to at the time ther countsuler asked me why would you cut yourself to realeave pain when all it dose is give more pain.I had no answer than but i do now the reson i cut myself is truly becouse i love pain theres no way around it i love pain and love to see ppl in pain but inside im fighting with myself i sometimes think that im evil that might be true and it would suit me very well i think but theres something that holds me back but i dont know what i want to find out but i cant see what it is when i sleep i see darkness when i wake i see darkness so i think to myself maybe im darkness something that feeds of hate,anger,rage and most of all pain one day i fear im going to lose it and hurt ppl i hold dear to me so i hide in my room and stay away from as many ppl as i can what am i to do i cant do it on my own i had happyness real happyness befor but it went away ever since than all i see is darkness i live in darkness i am darkness even if i am i will stay away from ppl becouse i dont want to hurt anyone i heard once befor from a friend long ago "That no matter how much darkness there is there will alwas be a light"i used to beleave that when i was happy now im sad and alone my famly is all i have but i have this hate,anger,rage and this pain in my heart lately i have been loseing myself and tend to scream at my famly this started not to long ago only about 5 years now i relive i have changed but into what i dont know i fell so much pain and it fules my rage and all of my hate i beleave i have lost myself somewhere in time and i fear i will never come back i have no plans for my life i have nothing holding me back but i still stay here i smile and think what a fake smile this is but no one knows it i hate to smile but i do it to fit in it pains me to smile but its so funny to see outher ppl smileing i dont know what it is but i hate all ppl who smile i cant stand it but i do it anyway so that i can fit in when needed my life as it is seen by outhers is notheing but a big joke im sick of this life a famly who cant even take care of thamselfs what a shame how upseting it makes me never any food it ticks me off so much but i say notheing becouse it would only make my hate stronger and i would lose myself well the truth is i have lost myself my names Kenny Youngs yet i dont know who this person is my nick name is fatman and it make me mad but its better than being called a name of someone i dont know my real name or the person who i have become is Duke Alacaster this is the name i wish to be called becouse it suits me so well such a dark name is only fitting for someone with notheing but darkness in there heart i rather like this new name of mine it will be me from now on i am no longer Kenny Youngs but Duke Alacaster instead just to wright this names makes me fell more evil should i say i like this felling ill hold onto it a while longer the darkness is mine to play with i will consome it befor it consomes me lol.....