How To: Feel and Heal

Starting these things is always the hardest part at least thats what i think, how can u describe urself in a paragraph. u just cant. and shouldnt, just so you know i add on this like almost every day with whatever pops in my head. i think im a very personal person but im extremely social. intro and extro-vert. i enjoy the nice things in life, smokin a bowl, music, sea world, old disney classics, thoughts, ideas, art, motion, friendship, family, mountains, air, snowfall and flakes, heavy rain, texas heat, the cool ocean, tree shade. the little stressful things come a lot but you just have to be a playa and brush ur shoulders off because if you dont then stress will build up until it crushes you either mentally, physically, spiritually or emotionally, or all of the above. the major stressful things you need to work out and solve, i have problems with that. i dont really want to meet new people anymore very often. im all about revolution. i procrastinate too much. ive been scared to grow up ever since i turned 13. but step by step i feel i am definatly growing in many ways. im not an angry person all tho i definatly have an anger streak but i dont think any person could bring that out, you most likely never seen me too mad. if u have u know me well. when im angry or upset i become a recluse. its easier for me that way. but sometimes the easiest route isnt always the BEST route to take , thats something i need to think about good and long. I hate to be cliche so i wont say im a dreamer ill say i have a lot of big ideas and plans and amazing things come to me at random times but i never put the peices and ideas together and then it seems like the peices get lost (in my mind, thoughts, head) and then the puzzle never can come together so its lost too ya know. k maybe the puzzle/idea comparison was lame but i hope u got the point. i dont like to write my feelings down very much, cuz i dont like ppl to read them, i dont like to hurt other peoples feelings because the way i see it is that theres an amazing story behind every single one of us and theres no way we will ever know all the trouble someone has seen all the beauty they have created or all the pain they have felt so i feel like im in no position to ever inflict any further pain upon someone because the fact is that "words are weapons" (eminem) and they are as painful as anything, likewise they are as flattering and uplifting as anything so i like to be complimentary to people. sometimes tho i purposley hurt peoples feelings just to let them know i am fuckin brutal when i want to be and that my words can cut to the core which is bad and i dont do it to like to stupid little ppl that piss me off that i dont know or nerds or anything i do it to ppl i know and if i am angry at them very very angry then my words become my weapons and there is no beating nuclear warfare you motherfucker you. i dont like to post blogs about my life, i dont like ppl who are backstabbers. The word Friend is very dear to my heart, i dont even know where to begin to describe it , Friends are: Loyal, Fair, Forgiving, Humourous, Listeners, Caring, Loving, Kind, Sharing, Supportive, to name a few characteristics of friends that i want and the friend i will be. It is important to me to make friends and make it a point to keep in contact with them and let them know that if we dont see each other for 2 years that we can still be friends it just never ends in my eyes. I think its crucial to have your "best friends" or friends closer then others because with those friends you can share literally everything at least thats how i feel, and i know its important to keep those friends forever and not let anything stupid block the long winding road of that friendship, because if you cut off those ties then you are cutting off a part of yourself and to me that part is as vital as your vital organs its a part you need to know who you are. its major to have best friends keep you on track and to keep your best friends on track, to be there for them and have them there for u because they know how u are and when u feel bad or down or blue or angry or vengeful or spiteful or hateful or depressed or suicidal or worthless they are truly the ppl you can talk to and work it out with words which is the best route in my eyes. They are the people that you watch after literally like a brother and i truly love my brother and i will never have enough eyes to watch as closely as i would like but i try. On the topic of romance and love i can honestly say that i have NEVER been able to allow myself to love a girl whole heartedly because i fall hard but not often and every time ive fallen some shit happens so i try to just not even let love and all that shit get on my mind cuz thats when i lose my mind, its all i think about when i feel like that and i hate that. i also hate that girls say they want something but they really dont when it comes down to it. I purposley dont get too close to girls out of fear of pain. One problem is that im a very secure person i know who i am and i love myself and im confident and i know i can get what i put my efforts too and i know i have a likeable personality , but the girls i start to really really like a lot (not dumb girls) always crush all of that confidence in me and make me question myself which is fucked up because i know im an amazing guy and i deserve an amazing girl and i shouldnt have to worry about stupid shit like that so i try to just fuckin avoid the whole fuckin show on that one. i like change, but sometimes i change my mind too much, i like basketball, i like snowboarding. i like to listen to lyrics and try to understand where the writer is coming from with situation and circumstances and what he was feeling and also what metaphors are in songs. i dont like mustard or pickles, gross. i love art, i love to just listen to music and start up some artistic project and see where it takes me, its more fun for me to kill time that way then watching TV. I dont like to judge people and i never will until after i meet u thats just out of respect cuz ur a person so give me that respect too k. Recently my hearts been feelin all sorts of funny cuz im crushin on this girl whos basically made me as happy as i have EVER been with any girl, she makes me feel like im worth every bit that i know im worth and she treats me as good as i treat her which is all i ever did want. I live in a sweet ass house in Pleasent Grove Utah with my kickass roommates Darian and Trey, we run our house like 3 mafia godfathers and we constantly hold meetings over bowls and we reflect on how the week at the house went and who we did or didnt like over and all that jazz, we like to buy shit for the house so its coming together slowly but surely. We have a PS3 and Xbox 360 so suck it. we have a hammack swing in the basement too its dope. I love sniffin painers. well i think this is probably the longest about me ive ever had up on my profile, i usually put some stupid shit on this section cuz its such a tough one, ill probably change this in a while, if u read i hope i didnt scare u=)(= u can message me bout it if u feel prompted, and if ur one of my friends who isnt extremely close to me i hope u kind of understand me a little better. sorry if this is random too and jumps all over the place i just kinda typed it up off the top of my head CAC